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Everything in my life seems to come and go in phases. Mostly interests - they cycle through and change frequently, but usually stay within the same circle of things I like. Times when I focus on neurodiversity, or witchcraft, or Kemeticism, or the Gallifreyan Tradition come and go (as well as fandoms, but that's not the focus here). They're still a part of my life even when they're not the focus, but I don't always think of them other than any rituals I might have. I'll think of Kemeticism when I offer water at night, or GT during our study group, but I often won't think of witchcraft for long periods of time.
But it comes back.
Kin stuff seems to be like that. Sometimes I'll be focused on it and thinking about it, and I'll notice things. Sometimes I'll be focused on other aspects of my life, and I won't be thinking about it, so I won't notice things. I don't know if this means nothing is happening, or if it means that I am not noticing the things that are happening.
I do know it always comes back. I've felt like this off and on for a long time, but it's always off and on. With other people it seems like it's all or nothing - not kin at all, or kin and aware of it all the time, always feeling it. I'm not like that. I feel something, but it's not constant, not always there at the front of my identity. I am human. I know that. I feel like part of me is not human, and sometimes that part of me is closer to the front than at other times. Sometimes I feel very nonhuman, and sometimes it doesn't come up.
I think it is something. I don't know if I'm otherkin, or otherhearted, or what, but I feel something. This has been coming and going off and on since I was a child, and I'm a week away from being 22 years old.
But it's not always there, so there may be periods when I don't think about it, don't post here or really participate. There may be other times when I'm not participating simply because I have nothing new to say, or because it doesn't occur to me.
But I am fairly certain it will always come back.
(Though maybe not always to the same website, because I'm afraid of making promises and therefore will promise nothing)
Sometimes the wings just come up randomly for a few moments and then go away. Like last night, when I was getting ready for bed - I have to go from my room to the bathroom a few times to get water for my nightly offerings, and as I was going to the bathroom to get water I felt the wings there, as I walked through the door. They only lasted a few moments before going away.
I still don't know for sure what they look like. I get the impression of them being long, and sort of trailing, but maybe not. I think they're either made purely of energy/magic, feathered, or bug wings - definitely not bat/leathery wings. I think I saw them more as dragonfly wings when I was younger, but that's probably because I loved dragonflies as a child. Like, really loved them.
In the past few years I've seen them more as feathered wings, but I don't know if I can trust that because that's about when I got really into fanfiction where people had feathered wings, and that might have influenced me.
It's frustrating because I get the feeling that they're there, but I can't tell more than that. They keep changing and being unclear and it's annoying, but I'm still glad of them. They feel comforting, even if they're not very detailed or vivid, and the sensation is sometimes uncomfortable.
Update: I wonder if maybe they are made of energy. That would explain a bit why they seem to change sometimes. Also, sometimes (often when something makes me feel angry and/or protective) I feel like I'm "pulling" energy/power up around me, and that my wings get a bit bigger as they flare out. It might be an illusion, of course, to give the impression they're bigger, but I suppose it's something to consider.
I've been considering fae as a potential explanation for my feelings, but the more I see people talk about the darker aspects of the fae the less certain I am. I don't really identify with the desire to hurt people and break things that are beautiful. I have on a few occasions felt angry enough to want to hurt people, but I'd never act on it and I don't see it as a good thing or as something worth being proud of, like I've seen people say the fae do.
I've gotten the impression that I'm not supposed to apply concepts like good and evil to kintypes, but I don't really think I agree, at least as far as it concerns myself. What other people do isn't my business as long as it doesn't directly cause harm to me or others. But personally, I do feel like some things are good, and some things are evil. I don't want to back down from that.
And the feelings I have when I think about my kintype aren't malicious or cruel. They aren't really super light and fluffy either, but they seem more inclined to help than to harm. I feel neutral and like I just want to be with my forests and my storms and my (maybe?) mountains, and let people do their own thing. I don't want to be a poisoned flower or a knife in the dark. I don't want to be cruel. I don't want to be bad or hurtful or anything like that. I know the argument is that it's not evil if you didn't know better, but it still feels wrong to me and then I feel wrong for disagreeing with what everyone else believes.
I like the idea of helping people. I want people to be protected and happy. I don't feel like my kintype does nothing but help people, but I don't feel like I hurt people for my own amusement either. I just feel like I did my own thing and maybe like I protected some piece of land or something, because there is occasionally a sense of watching over 'my domain', like a forest or something, and protecting it and keeping it safe. But I don't feel like I was necessarily tied to that land either, because there is certainly a strong sense of being free also.
I don't know. Everything is confusing and my perception of this whole good vs evil thing is probably wrong anyway. I really don't want to be hurting people and if this post does seem rude or hurtful or anything I am open to the idea of changing or deleting it.
(As a side note, the strong tendency to subordination and shrinking away is a human thing caused by anxiety, not kin-related)
Update: also just had a feeling that I only now realized could be connected to pointy ears. I think I have experienced this before, as a sort of pulled back/tensed/pointed feeling somewhere from the corners of my eyes to the back of my head, but never thought much of it. I don’t know how frequent it is because I only now became aware of it.
I was outside today, standing on the patio looking at the trees. There was wind. I felt a longing, a power, a nostalgia, but I’m not sure what I was longing for. I feel a connection to the forests, as though they are home, but not now, not anymore. I like inside and electronics and temperature controlled climates. But the forests feel like home, and the wind feels like home, and I can feel my posture change as though to spread wings I do not have. My posture straightens.
Phantom limbs confuse me, and I do not know if I experience them. I feel something where wings could be below my shoulders (not quite at my shoulders, which is odd because aren’t those the muscles used for wings?) but I can’t move them (possibly because of not having those muscles?) and I can’t see them or even tell what type of wing they are. It changes – sometimes I’ll think they’re bird wings. Sometimes I’ll think they’re something else. Mostly I can’t tell at all. I just get the impression that they’re there, or that they should be there, or are there on some other level. But I can’t do anything with them or really know anything about them. I would dismiss it as meaningless except that I remember similar experiences from years ago also. I remember as a child wanting wings, and telling myself that if I did this or that I would get wings and/or could fly. I remember later (as a teen) feeling like I had wings sort of like I do now. It isn’t all the time though, just sometimes. Sometimes it doesn’t happen for months, so it’s not frequent or even really strong, but it’s been happening off and on for a while now.
I also occasionally feel antenna? Not very often, maybe only once or twice. A few other times just something around my head, nonspecific. I don’t know where that’s coming from. Today they felt purple. They’re smooth and curl in on themselves at the tips like ferns before they unfurl.
I feel an energy, within me. It’s from my core, my solar plexus, and it feels like the wind and the forest and magic and power. It feels like it’s stretching, reaching out around me to the wind and the trees. I don’t know what it means but it makes me happy. It feels like freedom and something sharp and clean and pure.
I don’t know if any of this means anything. I feel like nothing I experience is as legitimate as what other people experience, but it’s still something I experience. Sometimes I feel like this and my mind goes to the fae, and sometimes I feel like this and my mind goes to energy beings (those times, I perhaps do not experience the wings, or the antenna, and I feel more liminal, as though my body is wrong for taking up any space at all. I have difficulty separating this feeling from issues I have had in the past, however). Sometimes I feel none of this and feel as though I am probably only human after all.
And I know I am not supposed to feel like it is “only” human. It isn’t supposed to matter.
I feel like if I could know that I could at least call it a –hearted feeling, I would feel better. I want to be able to put it in words, and to have some way to describe it. But I don’t know what the difference is between being nonkin and nonhearted and being nonkin and otherhearted. And I do feel like this is more of a kin feeling than a hearted feeling, but then other times I feel like it is nothing at all. I have felt like this about many other things though, some of which are obviously real. I am good at invalidating myself, and also afraid of being wrong and having other people judge me for it. I am also afraid of never finding an answer, and though I know it would be better to just leave this be and move on, I do not know if I can, or if I want to. I could ignore it for now, but I feel like I would come back, over time.