Separate names with a comma.
OK so I’ve been trying to think about how to blog this, and there is no sensible way, so I’m just going to put something on paper and hope that questioning and amendments make sense of it all in due course.
So a couple of weeks ago I had this sudden moment of total clarity and saw, or rather sensed, a whole load of really weird stuff.
So everything around me just faded out, like I was about to faint or something, and I was suddenly in a place, or rather a no-place, something between all the levels of reality and perception. I could sense rather than see everything that every was, is, or will be, stretching out in front of me. It felt so incredibly calm, and in one perfect moment I suddenly understood how everything worked, how it all inter-related to each other. How reality, perception and imagination are all malleable, flexible and nothing like what we see them to be from the inside.
It was like for my entire life I’d been living inside a box, only able to see as far as my limited boundaries, and suddenly I was shown the outside of the box, and all the other boxes, and how they can exist side by side, on top of each other, overlaid on each other, and yet still be boxes in their own right.
OK so I warned you this wasn’t going to make much sense.
Anyhow everything faded away and I came back to the current moment with a profound sense of loss. I still remember clearly what I saw and have a very different understanding of the way things are, but for a moment I felt like someone had given me the instruction manual and then took it away before I had a chance to read!
So I’ll try and detail everything I saw/sensed and remember, and how it may relate to all of us, and then put on my tin hat and wait for the bombardment. Just to be absolutely clear, this is to try and get clear a personal insight. This is not meant to trample on anyone’s thoughts, feelings or beliefs. Nor is it in any way meant to be a preachy “I’m right and you’re wrong” I have no idea what this was, nor what it means in the grand scheme of things.
First up we need to define some terminology – especially words and phrases (and concepts) I’ve been guilty of using myself in the past. Forget for the moment about multiple-universes, parallel dimensions, plains of existence, and anything like that. Instead I’m going to talk about different realities. These are not parallel, discrete and segregated realities, rather just compartments with thicker or thinner barriers between them and the next compartment. Different realities can be so far apart they never influence each other, some are so close they fold in on each other, either becoming one, or elements bleeding into one another.
Some of these realities are almost identical. In this one I turned right, in that one I turned left. Every other aspect may be identical. And as there are an infinite and ever increasing number of realities, and every decision we make creates a new reality, everything that ever could possibly be is happening right now, has already happened, and is about to happen, in some reality across the whole reality plain.
Now because the walls between realities are not exactly thick, nor impermeable, it means sometimes things, spirits, knowledge, consciousness bleeds through from one to the other. So an awareness of what has been or will be in a different reality can become know in this. This is the root of Deja Vu, or Prescience. In another reality, there is a person who in every possible way is identical to you, except an experience happened to them yesterday which is about to happen to you now. For some reason in a moment the walls between that reality and this weaken and the consciousness of that person and you touch, and suddenly this event occurs, seemingly again, and that creepy feeling of familiarity gets triggered.
While some realities may be similar to ours, many are very, very different. This is where it gets really weird. Not all realities are the same size or shape. Not all have the same perception of the laws of physics, the nature of the universe, the nature of life itself. These are just constructs, perceptions within our reality. Some realities are pure energy, some pure thought, some little more than void. Within all these realms, these different aspects of the reality plain, here angels and demons dance on the heads of pins and push through the barriers to other realities to wreck havoc, pulling aspects of one reality into another. In all these realities, the wildly different worlds that exist, the life and events on those worlds bleed through into our consciousness and become our imaginings. So even the inspiration for fiction itself is just a reflection of another reality, where a left turn was a right turn, where battles were lost rather then won, where aliens invaded, or were friendly, where Pandora’s box was opened rather than left shut, and where, yes, Dragons fly proudly in the skies. Where such things are real, they can in part, or in full, cross over to our reality. Events, imaginings, even whole consciousnesses can bleed, leak through and become trapped in this reality, trapped in susceptible, compatible hosts. And once merged, a human body feels the frustration of a trapped wolf’s mind, or dragon, or a character from a reality that inspired fiction here, a thief, a warrior, a spikey blue hedgehog. Anything that ever could possibly exist, exists somewhere, somewhen, in some other reality.
And if we could stand back and view it all through one single pane of glass, we could understand these realities and see the barriers between, not strong, absolute, regimented, but porous, flexible, malleable, and in places even punctured. And maybe one day we can learn how to see through them, walk between them, meet those whose consciousnesses we host, or feel affinity with. I don’t think those who host the consciousness of another being in this reality could become that being in another, although anything is possible, but we could reach out and touch and hold those forms we have learned to love. If our feelings go both ways, hopefully they won’t eat us.
So I’ve talked before about the side effects of being an ACON and having my emotional reactions to things screwed with being enmeshed to a narcissistic parent. This can give great benefits in feeling what others feel.
The downside of this is reflecting back the negative.
In effect the narcissist has created a mirror for emotions that is too scared to ever show anger or hostility to the narcissist. This side doesn’t surface until the narcissist is safely out of view. And when it does emerge the stress, the tension, the anger and frustration is magnified a hundred-fold. The programmed child has no idea how to control this side, and the in-built desire to self-sabotage kicks in to make matters as worse as it possibly can.
I am not always aware of the point the monster wakes, but I always know when it has taken hold.
The monster is clever, smart, quick, it knows how to manipulate other peoples emotions, it seeks out all the right words to say, the right buttons to push, to turn their irritation into anger, their anger into rage, and their rage into violence. It just wants to hurt, it wants to revel in nastiness, it wants to poison and destroy all it touches. It claims to want to be left alone, but it wants people near to strike again and again and again.
I have started to learn the monsters tricks. More and more I sense it coming. More and more I know when it is upon me. I feel its anger in my head, I hear it using my voice. I am learning to stop it. Sometimes dead in it’s tracks. Sometimes only after blood has been shed. It takes such huge strength and determination to stop the monster, but I am learning.
I wish I did not know how to hurt with words, looks, tones of voice. I wish I never turned this anger upon myself to hurt my life, my relationships, my friends, those few I love. I wish I did not know how to destroy.
I guess it has always been easier to destroy than create, but day by day, with the help of those friends and lovers who are either too brave, or too stubborn, to fear the monster, who will ignore it’s rages and fight back against it’s anger, with that help I am learning how to create a better place to be and a better life to live in.
And every day I tell myself over and over again, whether the cold hateful fingers are trying to pull apart my skull or not, I will get better. It can be done. It will be done.
One of the downsides of believing (or suspecting) that every decision we do or don’t make is played out in some part of the multiverse/parallel reality plain, combined with sometimes seeing these other realities, shadow intrusions into our limited existence, like silhouettes behind a curtain, is that occasionally the two collide.
What I mean by this is sometimes I make a decision, take a course of action, or worse, unthinkingly do something, only to see not only the results of what just happened unfolding in front of me, but also in the corner of my eye, just at the very periphery of consciousness, I see all the other permutations spiralling away further and further into distant existences. Sometimes the satisfaction of seeing worlds destroyed, past and future changed, wailing and gnashing of teeth in all the other plains because I made the right decision here, brings a sense of contentment, even satisfaction, that the right choice has been made, the right path taken.
Of course when I screw up, I see what I should have done in infinite permutations swirling around me, and the memory of seeing the achievements, the happiness, closeness, delight or joy that could have been reflected back for the furthest edges of reality haunts my dreams for days, months or years. Seeing the road not taken spiral away into infinity, unreachable, unachievable, unforgetable.
Some days I wish there was only what we see, what is around us, success or failure, right or wrong. Some days I wish for the ignorance of not knowing what I could have had, what I could have done, what I should have said, or not said and done. Having seen and sensed what can be, and seen how far away the right path has disappeared there are days it hurts to live. But then I know for others, every day it hurts to live, and some of that pain is my fault. So enough complaining and back to the day job.
In my post about ACONs and NPD I didn’t get terribly far on where this all leads, or how it has led me to KM. As with my other posts this may be a little splurgey but is to help me get my thoughts straight on this, and because when I see it written down inside my brain something goes “that is as true as I know it to be” and my mind accepts this. And acceptance of any condition is incredibly important to it’s remedy, as I’m sure many of you know.
The two after-effects of my upbringing which I try to see as positives are an enhanced sense of empathy and a constant state of hyper-vigilence. So what are these and what do they mean:
Empathy is that part of us which sympathises with others allowing us to sympathise and relate. For a child of a narcissist this sense gets manipulated and forced into an enhanced state. The reason for this is the narcissist can never feel any real emotions. They can only feed vicariously off others – their narcissistic supply. So they train the child to emote for them.
So the narcissist will pretend happiness because they want to be cheered up, and the child will have to display a huge display of happiness for the narcissist to feed off. The same with sadness. The narcissist wants to weep and wail because they have been denied something they want, so the child has to cry and sob on their behalf, while their outpouring is absorbed.
There is a huge amount more I could say on this – the technical term is enmeshment, where the child becomes (for the sake of emotional expression) an extension of the narcissistic adult.
It is more the end result – once the ACON has realised their situation, has cut ties with the narcissist, and is left with a hair-trigger emotional response, that I want to explore here.
As long as I can remember I have been extraordinarily aware of emotional states surrounding me. I assume this as a result of the programming to enhance the state of my parents, although maybe it was an innate ability anyway. It is clearest with animals as they cannot lie. I have sudden flashes, a clear feeling throughout me, as to what the emotional state of the animal is. This isn’t about reading their minds, and if I could do it on purpose and send the same feeling back I’d probably be making a lot of money as a horse whisperer or something right now. This is purely about receiving, absorbing, understanding.
It’s happened with horses, dogs, especially cats and other animals. With cats – and this is the most common for me as I live with five – it can be triggered by a touch or close proximity. There is such a sense of calm about a sleepy cat. They feel totally present in the world. They have such a sense of entitlement. If they want to sit on your lap, or curl up next to your cheek, that is where they will be, and the sense of outrage if you deny them is palpable.
It usually starts with my own emotions tuning out completely. Everything goes exceptionally calm. Sometimes my ears do that silent thing – you know those seconds before tinnitus kicks in where all the sounds of the world die away slowly. Then suddenly I can feel what it’s like to have a tail, to run, to chase, to play, to have fur. The state of the animal can be freaky sometimes. I once received a full on emotional onslaught from a startled horse, and I never want to feel that again!
It’s definitely something received. It can last a while after breaking contact, warm fuzzy feelings, a desire to chase a moth, a sudden desire to go running, but it never lasts long. This is why I use the phrase hearted. This feeling is not from within, not some latent memory. I am not becoming a cat or whatever. I am just feeling what they feel for a while. Empathising in a very acute way.
Sometimes this happens with humans, and sometimes I get it very, very wrong. I think with humans we don’t always act how we feel, and my own feeling get intertwined – especially when I’m being screwed up by internal programming or depression at the time. But with animals its usually a pretty amazing experience.
Now onto hyper-vigilence, and time for the sceptics to anythign other than this universe, this reality, this dimension and these four walls to stop reading.
Simply put, hyper-vigilence is constantly being in a state of fight-or-flight. That basic animal instinct that suddenly hits our adrenal glands into gear. Our pupils dilate, our heart beats faster. If you’ve seen the bit in “Over the Hedge” where they give the squirrel an energy drink – like that! It’s the instinctual reaction preparing our body either to start a scrap, or to run for the hills.
The child of the narcissist is not allowed to fight and not allowed to run, but they have no idea how they should be reacting from moment to moment, and no idea what the parent’s reaction will be. This constant state of insecurity (rather than even a minute of stable loving home) leads to a constantly repressed fight or flight response.
By the time the child reaches full adulthood this has mutated into hyper-vigilence. The ACON is constantly looking around, checking their periphery, always aware there are threats in every direction. Even writing this my hands have started shaking minutely and I am aware I am ytping faster than the keyboard can cope with. This is a state I am aware of all too well. I feel given the right impetus I could punch a hole in a wall right now. My pupils probably also look like I just did a few lines. In reality nothing could be further from the truth, and I have cut down my beloved coffee consumption to just one cup a day to aid things even more.
So what? I hear you ask. Well, I have found before that in this hyper state barriers start to look thinner. Solutions to problems I haven’t seen before present themselves, oblique ways of thinking. I’ve learnt to stop trying to crack jokes in this state as they tend to be so off-the-wall with so many mind-shift-jumps required to get to the punchline, that people just look at me like they are considering calling the funny farm.
It is on more than one occasion that I have felt other possibilities to this existence pushing at the corners of my vision. Objects, walls, floors fade and there is an incredible sense that our reality is touched on by so many other existences – other worlds, parallel dimensions, mutliple universes, every decision triggering off a new spiral of reality where you or I turned left rather than right, looked up rather than down. Every choice, and every chance, taken or missed rippling through the fabric of everything. It is in this state I feel most strongly that all we perceive through our usual senses is like the light of a torch shining on a wall. Existing in that pool of light we cannot even see the darkness, let alone the source of the light. And we have no notion of what is behind the wall or moving in the vast spaces between us and the light.
I’m diverting into a whole world of critical pain here I know, so I’ll stop there for now and happily invite comments. Some questions or criticism would probably help me get this straight(er) in my head. So LLAP for now, until the next splurge of randomisity.
After my last couple of heavy posts I thought I'd detour into a personal favorite thing for a bit of light relief.
Back in the day I was a proud Sega Saturn owner. And the best of the best games there was Panzer Dragoon Saga. It was known as Azel: Panzer Dragoon RPG in some countries.
Anyhow I lost days if not weeks of my life to this game, replaying areas, and exploring, exploring, exploring.
If you haven't heard of the Panzer Dragoon games before, they're a series of rail shooters where you ride a dragon which progresses through the game with you, leveling up and getting more special powers as you go. You can harness the dragon attacks and you fight through a series of levels and bosses to get to the end.
Until PDS came along. For some reason Team Andromeda decided to make this incredible open world game, where there are missions, and you do have to compete them in a certain order, but pretty soon the world is open to you to travel where you will as the multi-threaded story unfolds.
The best thing about it for me was that you could control the evolution of your dragon. You named him/her at the beginning, directed whether to learn spiritual attacks, defensive spells, which attacks to link together. I got amazingly attached to my dragon as he grew and learnt and evolved, and with each level and each change he got more and more beautiful.
Everything about the game represented the best in Japanese craftsmanship, from the beautiful locations, the imaginary world, the languages, the story, the characters. Oh it was all just so wonderful.
This is so present in my mind because hopefully this weekend will mark the start of rearranging furniture in our house (we're moving the kitchen into another room, and turning the old kitchen into a living room/lounge - we've been without a room with a sofa/couch in for probably five years!) So in a couple of weeks I should be plugging the Saturn back in again, and PDS will be one of the first games to be spun up.
There's a part of me in that happy state between a good memory of the past and anticipation of what's to come. The part of me that enjoyed riding, and bonding with, that dragon is all a-tingle again.
I don't know if there's anything modern that comes close in spirit, but I'd love to hear any comparisons. Bye for now.
ACON stands for Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent. So basically it means you spent your childhood in a very strange, fake environment, centred around the narcissist’s needs and wants.
First up forget about any notions you may have around the word narcissist. We are not talking about people who just like to look in the mirror a lot, or even people who are all about me, me, me.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD is a recognised state where a person has nothing in their consciousness beyond themselves.
Narcissists create all sorts of rules about how they want to be treated and how they think the world should be run, but they care little for these rules themselves and break them left right and centre.
The Narcissist has no sense of boundaries. Everything is their business and every possession is theirs by right. The whole world exists to entertain them, and anything boring, irritating, or too much hassle to them should be thrown away or be somebody else’s problem.
The most important thing in a Narcissist’s life is being the centre of attention.
Throughout childhood they will have got this attention by a variety of means, being pretty, rude, flirtatious, loud, dominant, however they can achieve being in the middle of everything. Once they find a partner they can dominate (or another narcissist they can twist around) some settle down and decide the best means of guaranteeing the supply of attention, the narcissistic supply, is to have children, who will adore them in childhood, fawn on them in adulthood, and support them in the narcissist’s dotage.
Children born to a narcissist have two functions: Love and Entertain.
This must be done at all times the narcissist wants it, and in the way the narcissist wants. However the narcissist does not tell the child how to do this. Rather the child is conditioned by a litany of what they are doing wrong. ALL THE TIME.
Narcissists rule by means of divide and conquer. Often having two children so they can set them against each other. Selectively choosing one “Golden Child” to help suppress the other. Not that the golden child is having a great time either. The are as confused as anything as the narcissist purports to love them more and be more “chummy” with them, but all the time still denies them anything that is any trouble at all for the narcissist, or is just downright boring for the parent to sit through.
Any child of a narcissist is trained (brainwashed) from an early age that anything the narcissist doesn’t want to do is boring, and only stupid people do <insert activity name here>, eg. Only idiots do sport. Only people with half a brain do art. And any genuine talent is stamped out with either faint praise (that’s nice dear, without even looking at the thing) or disgust (“is that it?” or “you call that a painting?” etc. etc.). Any activities the child is allowed to do (note. NOT encouraged to do) will be for one of two reasons – the Narcissist has been noticed not developing their child and needs a quick cover, or they want the child to outdo the child of some other adult they don’t like.
Should the child of the narcissist have the audacity to excel in any activity (or even be above average – narcissists love to be surrounded by average so they can feel superior) the activity will be stopped immediately. The child can only be praised as being the narcissist’s offspring. If there is any danger of them being praised in their own right it will be stamped out like the start of a forest fire.
All the time the narcissist pretends. They are the ultimate actor – to the extent that to the rest of the world they seem charming, graceful, loving, caring, the ultimate parent with the ultimate family. But behind the scenes the children (and often partners) live in sheer terror of the next mood swing, the next outburst, the next unfulfilled need, which will be their fault for not anticipating, and not already putting right! The narcissist lives a life of lies and deception, saying one thing and meaning another, and forcing this “wrong is right” mentality upon the children. Especially with emotions where however miserable the child is, they will be repeatedly told they are happy, happy, happy. But every hug (only given as the narcissist wants or demands) is for the narcissist’s benefit.
So what is the result of growing up in this reality? Well the child is left with little or no sense of self. They exist to serve. All the narcissist’s problems are theirs because they are not providing enough narcissistic supply, and they will be made very aware of this failing. They are conscious all the time of the emotional states of those around them, because any sadness, anger, dissatisfaction must be their fault. And it is their responsibility to fix it, as they have been brainwashed to do. They have little or no ambition. Their only purpose was to entertain the narcissist – anything they wanted or tried was rubbish, and never good enough for the narcissist. They are terrified of emotional contact, terrified of trusting, unable to distinguish levels of contact from others. They are in constant need of assurance (Was that ok? Did I say anything stupid? Did they like me? I don’t think they liked me.) and support, but cannot accept that assurance or support as genuine.
Some ACONs grow up to be narcissists themselves. And why shouldn’t they? They have been brainwashed into believing this is the right way to be and have no genuine contact with their emotions. Over time the real child became so buried a persona emerged to con the world everything is fine, and the damaged child still exists inside, frozen without development, so the needs and wants are still there, like a tantrum ridden 3 year old, the interior of the narcissist demands more, more, more, me, me, me. Make me happy, LOVE ME. But the narcissist can never get enough love.
And what about me?
5 years ago I started to realise I was an ACON. The specific details that revealed the true nature of my family are not important here, but their nature became very clear. I realised their behaviour throughout my whole life was wrong, and distanced myself from them more and more. The further I got, the clearer the picture became. The more distance I put between us the more I felt free. As I put my life back together I started to see them for what they truly are.
Unfortunately there is still baggage to sort out. The narcissist trains the child with the same kind of brainwashing that organisations like the CIA used in the cold war, and ISIS use today. Constantly overstepping boundaries, while insisting they are acting normally, constantly telling the small child wrong is right for the narcissist and both right and wrong are wrong for the child.
This programming can kick in at any time, and enrages me. Fear, shame and anger are all trigger emotions, and suddenly this monster emerges that has no sense of social mores and can only hurt as it thrashes around trying to alleviate its pain.
I am also always desperate to make everything better for everyone around me. Sometimes to great (extreme) annoyance. And I will not let it lie. It is as if I cannot rest until I have fixed everyone else’s problems (just as my narcissistic parents trained me to do for them).
Slowly I am trying to master this. The programming has a start point – usually when the child has stopped being admired for being a product of the parents, and becomes an individual – and so I am regressing myself back to find the triggers. The starting points. The beginning. Then I will slowly wind forward the events of my childhood through my current consciousness, my adult, aware state. The hope and the journey here is to re-adjust my sense of self and realise I was not always to blame, it was not always my fault, just as I try to apply those sentiments to everyday life now. And along the way I will slowly stop trying to make everything better for everyone else. And stop trying to fix the unfixable.
Sometimes all you can do, is all that is asked, and for an ACON, used to un-asked expectations, and punished for not fulfilling un-voiced desires, this is a very difficult lesson to learn.
If anyone is still reading, this finally leads me back to here. This site. This place where things that cannot be explained, the unusual and the unexpected are welcomed, discussed and embraced.
For two very specific reasons.
1) I have been not only been programmed to do so, I have an innate ability to sense emotional disturbances. Not just in people, but animals, and even things. (Yes things have emotions! I will post more in future blogs. Not that anyone will read them – anyone who tried to get this far is long since asleep or dead!)
2) I live in a state of hyper-vigilance. Having been brought up in constant a fight-or-flight situation I can perceive what most cannot, and what a lot of you here can. The world is nowhere near as finite or limited as they (you know - them) want us to believe. And I suspect like some of you, sometimes in the blink of an eye, the drop of a hat, those moments after caffeine, before or after sleep, when the dark is all around, or the light blinds, and we know there is more, more, oh dear God so much more.
These two, things I once thought a curse, and am starting to see as a gift (it’s a gift, and a curse, haha) bring me to here, to your experiences and opinions, to kin, and kith or hearted.
Perhaps none of the above matters. It is my journey, and I have reached yet another place along the way to stay a while and talk to other travellers. In the posts ahead I hope to explore where the road goes next, and talk, read and share with others who may all have different roads, but for all of whom I hope the destination is glorious.
Thank you for reading. Until next time - peace and long life.
I've just realised the importance of a blog. I've never really written one before, not even a diary as a kid.
After my last post I felt confused and unsure if I should have written anything. Should I be self editing, should I draft things first? I think for me this is a way of marshalling my thoughts and working through things I can't say to people. Not because I don't trust those I consider friends, but because I haven't the strength or will to say this stuff out loud.
Here I can unleash all my terrors and angers. Whether they are read or not, whether people understand me better or not, that's not the point. The point is I'll understand me better. And right now I need that.
So next up will probably be a blog about being an ACON, and no it has nothing to do with being a dyslexic tree fruit.
OK, first blog post, and if I end up biting off more than I can chew over forgive me if certain things make no sense and to be clarified in future posts.
So I've already talked in my intro and profile about a deep sense of empathy - I seem to sense the moods of people and animals around me. Especially if I'm in close proximity or touching.
This is kind of complicated by being an ACON, (I'll do that justice in a post of it's own if I can bear to) and a mediator type, so if I pick up that someone is unhappy or angry I instantly feel it's all my fault and must fix the situation right now. Apologies to anyone who may encounter me jumping in with both feet - only to have them land in my mouth!
So I've also talked about these waves of emotion I started getting once I began exercising. I'm also aware I can act very differently when I'm down, moody, or just sulky. Knowing I didn't have a happy/supportive childhood I decided to try some regression deep-meditations to look for childhood memories to help identify what triggers my mood swings and insecurities.
Introduction over, now for the real story:
I've done short mind-calming meditations before, so know I can, and used breathing and stuff like that before, but this time I wanted to go longer, deeper and further back.
So my first attempt at going back was being led into a childhood "happy memory".
After being so deep in meditation I had lost all feeling and contact with my body, and my mind was completely detached from everything.
I had a clear sensation of existing and being at peace. I couldn't see properly, only a sensation of the differences between light and dark, and hearing was weird too. Like I was underwater, or my ears weren't working right.
Anyhow I've reflected on this a lot since and think it must be a sensation I felt when I was so small my eyes and ears hadn't stated working properly yet, so sub 6 months maybe?
I tried this again the next night, and had a similar experience, calm, couldn't see or hear properly, but this felt totally normal. I had a really strong sensation of something warm and fluffy against my face and arm. As an adult I know exactly what the feeling was, I have it quite often, it was a cat smuggling up against me, and I felt the cat's fur against me. The weird thing is my parents never acknowledge having a pet cat. My father once mentioned in passing that they "inherited" a cat at the house they lived at when I was born, but no other mention.
I didn't know I liked cats until much later in my life and have no memory of a cat in my childhood at all, so I'm really glad to have found this memory. Makes me realise I didn't just turn into the make equivalent of a mad cat lady in my thirties, it's been there my whole life.
The third time I tried this was really disturbing, and I think I'm getting somewhere now. This time I was not content, and this was no happy memory.
I was wrapped up, and now I could see. There was fabric round my face, and for me it looked like I was looking up a fabric tunnel to a patch of light. Suddenly a face appeared and it was grotesque and orge-ish, like a leering goblin, and I was sure it meant me harm.
I was certain it was my interpretation of my older brother, who would have been 2 at the time. I've kinda realised recently that he's been a bully in my life for a long time, but was really shocked to realise it went right back to the start! I shouldn't have been surprised really - rejected older child syndrome and all that - but my brother wasn't ignored in favour of me, in fact he was the golden child as I was growing up.
Anyhow, I'm letting that last little lot settle before trying any more. There may be more to come.
I know this isn't terribly kin or other related yet, but we'll see where it goes. Still buzzing over the fact that one of my earliest memories is cat related. And if I can find what triggers my doubts, angers and mad actions, maybe others can learn from my mistakes.