Separate names with a comma.
Another question from here.
To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?
I have a strong human identity. I feel like I'm part of the human race. I'm a human bean.
I think that most people deny the full human experience. Sort of like wearing blinders. I'm not gonna spend a lot of energy on that.
I know that I'm human non physically and that I have a human mind. I'm not really afraid of the fact that I'm delusional for thinking otherwise. That said, belief shapes everything. I didn't deliberately choose to feel a certain way, and deep down, to believe I'm connected to something nonhuman, but I do.
"Deer therian" is actually not my primary identity. What I identify as - as in, what I actually believe underneath what I think or choose to believe - doesn't really matter. I think that our identities are all smoke and mirrors, whether made consciously or subconsciously, and the only thing that matters is what the belief empowers you to do. I think the essence of human beings is that we're creative beings. We imagine and we create. That's what stands out to me about humans.
What I am mentally exists alongside and I would say because of my human mind.
So for a long time I thought that if I could appear weak, submissive and gentle I could somehow gain people's trust better than if I were to go about my life at full throttle, shoving people aside who got in my way. I also learned from a young age, through my mom first and then through other people, that being strong could be comforting to others (as in, ah you're okay, I don't have to worry about you) but more often than not, just intimidating, overwhelming, or even a threat. People have expected me to be strong while at the same time they expected me to make myself small. It doesn't work. Guess who gets blamed.
I guess, depending on who you are, you either see me as a pushover or as a monster. And neither one of those are really true. The pushover thing, at times, the monster thing, I can be, but neither one of them is really who I am. You can't judge someone's entire character on one thing they did. Especially if you're blaming them for things they didn't do.
So I guess you could say I've been holding back for a long time and I think people can sense this from me. I've tried to let it out slowly. I need all parts of me and not just one, even if one part of me seems "scary" to some people or one part of me seems "babyish" or the other part seems like some attention craving hussy. I'm multi freaking faceted.
So how can I just be myself without freaking people out, who expect a candy coated world? How can I be all the things I am?
So I've been seeing a lot of 2016 hate going around lately and had my own thing to add. Mostly because, I haven't really went into it with anyone and I feel it should be put into words in some way, somewhere. It really doesn't do justice at all but it's more than I've said openly up to now.
A few people my age, friends of friends, died this year too. One of them was my old classmate and old friend though. I regret not seeing her earlier this year when she came down here to visit her family. I still think about her but now it’s in a different way. I used to think of her all the time but neglected to stay in touch. It’s incredibly sobering.
I mean I always keep in mind, life is short. My grandma died of breast cancer when I was 14 and I’ve seen a bunch of animals pass and such so I was aware of death and its inevitableness for a long time. But then she died, an old friend who meant something to me and who I thought I would see again at some point, and it’s a lot more serious. This is real.
Anyways my 2016 overall has been sucky on multiple levels as well which I’m not going to go into because I’m trying to move on, but yeah. 2016 has been full of loss and game changing events.
I'm lazy, so I grouped some of these questions together and will probably answer more in a different post.
Self Grilling Questions
What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)
Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?
Neither really. I don't really know "why".
When was your awakening (if you had one)?
If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?
I was extremely out of touch with, well everything for a while, and I think that seeing something I could relate to, even though at the time I was fuzzy about it, helped.
Also, a lot of music was shared and this also had an effect on me. I hadn't listened to music in a long time.
If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?
I'd consider it still going on really.
If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?
Confusion and self doubt. =p
Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?
I kind of identified on some level with feral children, even though I never went through what they did. I felt like I related to something like that but I couldn't really talk about it, obviously. I also didn't want to be like "that's me" when it wasn't, it was just something I somehow felt something in common with.
I've had mental shifts throughout my life. I would feel like I was on a different level from other people. I moved around a lot, so I was always a stranger, and it would happen more during those times. I didn't realize they were shifts until recently, though, as I wasn't aware of whether I was human or not (who seriously goes around thinking "I am human" or "this is human but this is not"?), and I have only heard people describe mental shifts with a lot of self awareness and/or focus on "the mighty hunter cornered her prey".
I was just being me. Some mental shifts, I think, were more imaginative than others, like at times I felt like I had to "predator" shift in order to eat the food my family ate (I hate meat) and so I imagined myself a mermaid, wolf, shark or some other more specific thing. Or, at times teachers would talk about animals or say "imagine if you were this" and I'd literally be that in my head. Other times it wasn't so deliberate, and was more a vaguely "less human/more 'animalistic'" perspective, where it wasn't something I was aware of, and someone else would tell me I was acting like a ___ (insert animal).
Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?
Nope. Although at the time I thought I was a deer, I confused myself with visions.
I also saw a lot of carnivore types especially going on about how they were fearsome predators and had this urge to eat meat and stuff like that. I didn't see any other deer or many types besides wolves and tigers etc.
So I pushed back that thought about being a deer for a while.