Separate names with a comma.
I think i'm going to call this the "why am I not asleep ramble" instead. I've been looking into my life as Pan a lot through meditation and honestly this is the most fun i've had with self discovery in years. It's so interesting to learn these things about myself. Pan was such a flirty nerd but he was so bad at it. In most of my meditations as him he also seems to not look like a god according to the nymphs who have spoke to him. Most of them look at his chest and they all say the same thing; I expected more from a god. I have a feeling that's why Pan gets so muscly when he gets more mature. It's to impress the nymphs, not really from strength. Speaking of nymphs in one meditation a water nymph (which is what i'm guessing she was) named Heera found me in a cave. She was strange looking, she looked like she had just stepped out of water (probably because it was raining in the meditation) and she didn't have legs. Instead she had this tail like thing. It's hard to describe, it looked like a dark blue still waterfall wrapped around her legs. She was hovering above the ground also. She seemed tough, she punched my chest and one again said the "I really expected more from a god" thing. It's all very interesting.
I was planning on writing more but I think I really need to sleep, it's 2:30 am here...
School is almost over, so far I haven't missed any homework which is surprising. I'm questioning a possible Satyr/Faun hearted identity, or maybe kintype. I've always felt some sort of strong connection to fauns and satyrs since I started studying mythology in 2nd grade. I don't understand hearted identities very well but i'm planning to studying more on it. If anyone could message me that would be very useful as well!
I just moved away from the people in front of me for being too homophobic/transphobic. They have been talking about it all year. Saying things like "homo, gay, and fag all mean the same thing" and using other stereotypes and offensive language to insult trans and gay people. I know my teacher can't do anything to make them stop due to it being against the law and stuff but I really need help. I'm not okay currently, i'm sad and unmotivated all the time. I'm going back to my therapist soon, hopefully she will help some. I also got Vent again but I doubt I will use it. I'm putting my account on private when I get back. Also I'm going to share my vent/nature Tumblr, i'll put it on my profile when I get home.
(Other: I'm trying to think of a color to make my text instead of just the grey/white standard tone either x or x.)
My stupid phantom tail is driving me insane. I notice that I phantom shift when scared, nervous, around other therians or in large crowds of people. Well first off I hardly ever shift into Aena, more Hedley. Hedley also seems to be constantly wanting to escape, which is very sad. I don't know how to explain it. In all the memories I have with him or whenever I allow him to mentally shift into me he always freaks out and tried to run and dig and cry. I think Hedley just doesn't understand what's going on. It seems like I've become distant from my theriotypes recently due to stress and school. I feel like I have to respect Aena and Hedley as much as possible, I try to prevent holding back phantom shifts and when I can I let them mentally shift into me. It's hard for me as well as it is hard for them. For me I know what is going on but Aena and Hedley are animals. They don't know what's happening. They cannot think logically in a situation like this, all they know is that they have been put in the wrong body and that they are lost now.
Anyway, back to the phantom tail. I went to a concert on Wednesday (Melanie Martinez, it was very good) and the crowd was very overwhelming. I kept on being tempted to bark (which sounds stupid I know) and I did accidentally growl at someone. They didn't hear me luckily over the music but it was still embarrassing. I keep getting the temptation to run on all fours, I think I might schedule another pack meeting so we can all run around in the territory again. I don't think of our pack as an actually pack due to the fact that no pack would be a bat, domestic fox, heron, cheetah, deer, jaguar and seagull... it's more of just a support group where we can all talk about similar experiences and be weird together.
So I'm currently camping. Normally I would like camping but we are at a beach and I hate beaches and so does my bat theriotype. I also hate fish. Well when I was on the sandbar I noticed that I could walk on four legs easily, easier then on land and I had a crazy phantom and mental shift. I started running and bouncing like crazy and I barked and chased a fish and my family is now very worried about me.
I sometimes receive memories like normally I do where I just remember something. So today we were in the speed boat and I got this little vivid flashback of me (Hedley) on this big boat, prancing around and sticking my head out the side of the boat feeling the spray in my fur. Then, another memory when I was still feeling my phantom limbs where I (Hedley) was walking around the water and a fish came up to me, I barked at it and chased it and got scared by it and ran back to my owners. I hope one day I can learn their names, they seemed like they were so nice.
I had another weird thing where I tripped on the pier and I outstretched my arms and felt my phantom wings? It was so strange, it was like instinctive. I should go to sleep now probably, it's getting late.
I wish I wasn't a therian. I want to just toss this part of me in the trash but I can't and I know I can't. I feel like i'm terrible in this community and I feel like i'm never doing anything right and there is so much pressure even on this website to be the perfect definition of a perfect non-human and to have yourself completely figured out on all terms and I'm just so upset about it all. It's just all making me so upset and mad and frustrated. It's making me upset how people don't believe me when I say i'm a therian and that i've experiences shifts and I meditate regularly because apparently you have to be at least 16 to claim who you are. I understand it's about maturity and stuff but it just makes me so angry that I can't identify myself because "i'm not old enough to understand". The same thing happens with my sexuality where kids my age and sometimes even adults tell me "oh you can't have already figured that out you're way too young!". I have known I was different from a very very young age when it come to sexuality and I had always felt misplaced in society. In the case of therianthropy I started feeling the other souls around when I hit puberty but I explore it until later.
Recently a good friend of mine went on to put up multiple rants on how she figured out some of my friends and I identify as non-human that were long and hurtful. Yet another reason I wish I wasn't born this was. No normal person is just going to accept someone with a non-human identity and I don't think that will ever change. I don't want to loose friends over this. I already feel uncomfortable in the main groupchat with that friend and talking to the friend at all now. She even finally was able to give me my birthday presents from forever ago but the day after when she put up the rants I couldn't even look at them the same and I had to toss them.
In conclusion I just wish I never figured my identity as a therian out. The dysphoria would be better then this.
So I got into an astral projection but then something happened where I just suddenly thought to myself "this isn't real, stop thinking it is" and I started crying. I have had such an awful day with those sort of thoughts. Just so much questioning myself and now very much questioning my bat theriotype. I really had no clue what I was doing in the begging of my therian discoveries and now I'm wondering if maybe I just made up all of the bat stuff.
I feel like I identified as a bat but.. it's just been so long since i've shifted or meditated or anything involving that past life. I now know more about Hedley then I do Aena and it's just honestly bumming me out. I just miss Aena's memories so much it's just I also think that they died very young so they probably didn't have that many in the first place. It's so sad to think about to. I wish Aena had a longer life or that I could find out something about their family or anything because I feel like it's my job to make this life better for them. I'm getting way too emotional over this, i'm just going to blame pms.
Currently listened to traffic noises.. this is the most comforting thing ever. I just wanna fall asleep to this but then again I don't wanna sleep at all.
A few night ago I had this dream that this website was one big building. It was white and shiny and had lots of walls and stuff. Running down the middle was this walk way leading to a library of books and a few rooms labeled "discussion". I walked in through a front desk and someone, a women with white skin and long dark black hair recognized me, saying "Aena! Welcome back to the Kinmunity. You're already checked in". I walk through the door, only about 4 other people are in the large building. One person, skinny with wavy brown hair wearing a tail. They were on all fours, running around very wolf-like. It was like this building website thing was like a safe haven for people to shift mentally? Instinctively I got on all fours and hopped up the walls to walk around on the top layer of things where I saw one person standing in the corner, seeming pretty upset. I came up to them, still on all fours and sniffed them like my fox theriotype, Hedley would probably do. I realized what I was doing and stood up, shaking it off and waving to them.
"Hi!" I say in a cheerful tone.
"Hello.." they say back, not sounding as amused. I looked around, trying to see if someone else was around for back up support or something.
"Wh-what are you doing here? I don't think i've seen you around here before." I say in a calm tone. The person replies with "so no one does remember me... huh..". I shake my head, reassuring them that I had only just joined about a month (?) ago, not recent enough to know them. They introduced their self by a name I don't remember but as a male dragonkin. He had pink hair and glasses, he was also wearing red flannel and boot cut jeans.
I really don't remember much more of this dream, I just thought that the idea of this place built for people to freely walk about as animals or non-humans was just amazing. I wish I come back to this location in my dreams again at some point, that would be super neat.
Today was super weird. My fox theriotype has been acting so strange recently. If I get down on all fours and just close my eyes and focus I can have a phantom shift into him, I don't know if that's normal or not.
Today my dad and brother dragged me to the pool and by the way, I can't swim. So I walked into the poor and instantly felt uncomfortable in some way. I walked around uncomfortable as well on my legs, so I dropped down and almost instantly started doggy paddling. I probably looked like an idiot honesty. I actually felt my whole body feel like a fox, even feeling uncomfortable because my fur was all wet and sticking to me. I enjoyed swimming around like that for a while but soon or later my cousin through a ball at my head, I yelped and had to go after him.
I'm really scared of owls by the way, so the face that my friend is owl-hearted is really freaking me out secretly.
I still don't understand fictionkin though. I honestly wish I could understand their reasoning and stuff but it's just so confusing. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't disrespect them though. If anyone sees this and can explain it to me please message me either here or on my tumblr and explain it to me!
@ that person, nice job for actually reading this.
my stupid theriotype wasn't nocturnal
I could actually
It seems like it has been forever since I have, and honestly i'm writing this just to talk about how crazy and amazingly fun it is.
Meditation to me is all about traveling to the depths of my mind and trying to pull out little facts about myself and my theriotypes. It's such an amazing feeling. It's like that feeling you get when something you lost was found weeks after you lost it. That feeling of just pure joy.
I love to remember the wind. I love getting memories of wind, wind hitting my wings as I flew down the dimly orange lit street lights. The buzzing of music from inside buildings. The smell of the car exhaust fading and rising after a busy work say. The cool night breeze that whistled through the quiet sleeping city. The freedom. The freedom of flying. Being alone at night with no worries.
I miss it.
Honestly, sometimes I just wish I had easier and less complicated kintypes. It's super awkward and really, just a pain in the but to instead of saying "I am foxkin and batkin" to have to say "I am Domestic Georgian White Foxkin and Virginian Long-Eared Batkin". No, I really don't have to say that but when sending in requests on tumblr (yeah, first world problems I know) it's just super difficult to have to add all of that. And on top of all of that my theriotypes' personalities's are also strange!
Aena lived in the city, was separated from their family, only eats incests (making it impossible for me to do food requests), and was very young.
Hedley is just.. don't even get me started on Hedley. He was domesticate in Russia and by many dreams I have had was a first generation fox there. Meaning, he was captured from the wild as a pup, stuffed into a cage and trained to be tamed. I remember having this one nightmare where I was small and inside of a cage, it was cold and all around me were other cages with sleeping foxes and a snowy forest. A huge owl swooped down and I remember jumping back and snarling and yipping at the bird, then I woke up.
The weirdest thing that I have to explain to people when talking about Hedley is that I didn't name him like I did Aena (I named my bat theirotype so I wouldn't have to call them just the bat) but that Hedley was the name his owners have him. The other thing is that i'm not portraying Hedley as being feminine, Hedley's owners just gave him feminine things like pink leashes and collars and a fuzzy pink blanket that I remember very vividly.
Hedley is so complicated... so so complicated.
For the past week i've had summer school for making up a coarse. It has sucked honestly, but that's not my point of this blog entry. Going back to my school means that when school gets out I can walk home through the small path in the woods bordering my school. I always tend to look at my feet when I walk since I always trip but for some reason I just didn't look right. It felt like my mind was far away from my body, like it was somewhere else. My hands didn't feel like my own. I just didn't feel right. I decided to take the long way home one day so I could visit the creek. I sat on the mossy ground hanging out the large creek, the sound of rushing water being comforting. I just sat there for at least 20 minutes looking at myself and writing in my journal. I hope I feel better this week.
After reading many articles in the Library I think i've finally wrapped my head around how I think of the spiritual side of my identity.
After looking at this article in the Library (my favorite one so far, extremely helpful) I would say that the term Metempsychosis explains my beleifs of reincarnations and new lives very well. I'm not sure if this word is still a validly used word, i'm just saying that the definition sounds like what I believe.
I believe in the existence of a soul, and I believe your soul is you. I believe that everyone has their own soul. It's start out empty and develops overtime by how you were raised and your childhood in general. For otherkins and therians though and also people who have a reincarnated soul, they just have another soul with them. I believe that the soul is with them from birth. With humans reincarnations sometimes the soul will show itself earlier, due to the greater intelligence levels. With animal souls signs of the animal might start showing up around puberty, which is what happened with me.
Weird part though and the thing i'm confused about is... how did the soul get there? I don't believe in a life after death such as heaven or hell and I don't believe in becoming a ghost or a spirit of some sort either. I'm starting to consider spirits, but if I did I would say they would almost be like the air we breathed. They wouldn't be physical or really have any thought of their past life, they would kind of be just there. I'm going to leave the comments on this blog post and I would love to hear how you think about life after death or things like that, but I don't want you to try to get me to believe something else.
As for my theriotypes I believe that both of them are 2 different animal souls that lie near my own soul. I see the world partially from different eyes and those different views cause me to act in certain non-human ways and interoperate things differently. My whole life doesn't revolve around being a therian, but I do dedicate most of my time learning about my own identity and communicating with other people who feel the same way as me.
(Before you comment or say anything, please remember that I am young and I'm still kind of new to figuring out my identity but I have put a lot of thought into my beliefs and this itself.)
+About 3 months ago I had a dream where I was laying with a small white fox in a large open field of grass. It was a very vivid dream, I remember finding it strange that the fox in the dream wasn't trying to attack me at all
+When I get scared I tend to squeak or make high pitched yelling noises? Not in a human way, I know it's not a human trait (I even looked into it).
+I enjoy rolling in tall grass and in the dreams and meditations where I see the fox he's always rolling in tall grass. he's almost always around it or chewing on it
-I believe in reincarnation, i'm just not sure how I believe in it, if that makes any sense.
+like I had said before in many places when I was first figuring out my identity in this community I related myself to a wolf somehow. I remember still feeling strongly as a wolf even after I figured out my bat theriotype. I'm starting to think that that "wolf" I was feeling is this fox. I know, it's very different, but from my angle it makes plenty of sense honestly. people always say that wolves are close to family and they are always ready to fight but they are loyal, but I never felt that part of it. I always felt more cozy and warm, like I was burrowed under soft blankets curled up in a soft bed. I was never with a pack really and I never felt like I missed a pack, I just wanted to go back home and sleep more
-I already know a lot about Hedley, but it feels like I learned it all too quickly. I had a meditation that showed me my theriotype, my theriotypes name and a memory. that just doesn't feel right to me. so no, i'm not going to stick with this and say that all of the details in my last meditation were exact and true, i'm going to say that this is what I have right now and until I learn something else about him it won't change.
+i'm going to refer to the fox as 3 things "Hedley", "my theriotpye", and "the fox". If I learn the name is incorrect or something else is wrong, i'll change it.
I promise these are not the only reasons why I've decided this is the theriotype I have I promise there are many many many more, these are just the ones i'm jotting down before I go to bed.
I'm still learning and honestly I could type so so much longer. I'm going to make a continuation of this soon, but for now i'm just leaving this here.
Using one popular meditation method (the doorway one) I was able to find this same animal once again. The first time we met, I thought it was just something my brain made up for me to feel more normal in this community, so I just pushed it aside. But here it came again, it came from the same meadow, I was in the same place as last time I tried this. I was able to look around, the area was green and lightly lit by the yellow sun rays form above. I could see the large stream, I could hear the birds chirping. It came up to me, I was a little frighted honestly... but then it just.. sat down beside me. I turned my head and looked at it. A short snout, dog like figure. Very fluffy coat and a busy tail. A fox. A white fox. Not completely white but with splotches of black on the top. What could a white fox be doing in a forest like this? I looked a little closer where I could see a divot in their coat, but I couldn't get a good look at it. The fox stood up, it looked up at me and I looked away out of instinct, not wanting to make eye contact. It walked forward. I watched it. It looked back at me and stopped. I guessed it want me to it follow it? So I did. I walked with this fox. I looked around the forest, taking in the scenery. We walked along the river bank, the bright green grass started getting choppy and being overtaken by mud and small round rocks. While I was staring the fox stopped me and walked across the river. It was shallow, enough that I could walk across it but the stones still hurt my feet. When we got to the other side the fox directed me to a cave. It looked dark and musty from a far and when approaching it it smelled like ferns and earth. It seemed excited to show me, I could see by the way its tail was wagging. Which made me wonder... "foxes tails don't normally wag like a dogs.. right"? It sat by the end, patiently. I looked at it, waiting for further instructions. It looked at a place on the wall, being lit by a single beam of light. I went up to it, something seemed to be carves in the wall. I placed my hand on it an tried to brush away the dust. I could only see two letters. "H" and "E" and what I think were "EY" at the end. I turned around, looking at the animal in confusion. I stood up, waiting for me to walk out. I realized that it couldn't really communicate with me, so I just walked out. The animal dashed ahead running down this cut path. I followed the fox down this path. As I was walking I noticed a picture frame stuck on a tree. I stopped and the fox stopped too. I walked up to it and looked at it, a video seemed to start playing. I felt myself going into the footage, maybe not foetage... a memory of this animal. There were 2 humans. 1 with a booming loud voice. He was holding a toy of some sort. He was wearing a blue shirt and brown jeans, nice shoes and a nice belt. He had a watch on one arm and his skin was wrinkly. There was another person, a girl wearing a pink shirt and black formal pants. She also sounded and seemed a little older, she was laughing at the man. I remember the man saying "commonnn come and get it boy! you've gotta jump a little higher then that!" in his deep voice and the women saying "Hank stop that! give Hedley the toy!". The little fox, is jumping up and down, up to the mans belt to get the toy. It's wearing a little navy blue vest or sweater and they are jumping happily, tongue out trying to get the toy from the man's strong hand. I stay there, watching for about 3 minutes at least of this memory. Then, the fox grabs the toy and lays down, putting it under it's paw and gnawing at it with it's sharp teeth. The two laugh and the foxes tail wags quickly.
From behind me I hear a low bark. I turn around and the bark happens again. The fox was trying to get my attention. I apologized stupidly. The fox lead me farther down the path. There's a small house made of old wood. We walk down and the fox walks into the house. I open the door and feel like i'm at home. It all smelled so familiar. It all seemed so familiar. I looked down at the fox, his orange eyes look at me. I feel a connection to him. Before I open my eyes, something flashes by me.