Separate names with a comma.
Not a long entry here, but I really love cormorant dreams. "Dream shifts," I guess they count as. "Cormorant being a cormorant" is a good explanation of what it's like. The last one involved diving. I fell asleep for what, 15 minutes? and had this amazing dream about being a cormorant.
What's so amazing about them, to me, is just how unamazing they are. There's nothing fantastical about it. I'm just a bird doing bird things and it's the closest I'm ever going to get to the real thing. Like the last one, it was literally just diving. Underwater. You could probably find a video of a cormorant cam somewhere to see what it's like, but it's nothing special. The real fun is how real it feels, and you can only get that in the dream. I'm not sure how to describe it. Feeling the water all around you, but not holding you back at all.
I might seem like someone who is pretty confident in only having a couple of kintypes. Well...that's not quite true. In fact, it seems like I'm questioning a new one every month or so. Of course, there are only two that I can conclusively say are actual types, even though I'm still uncertain if they're both legit or if it's only one because they're almost the same thing. While the rest have been for the most part denied. Some of them just won't go away though, even though I have reasons to deny them I can't get them off of my mind or stop cameo-shifting them. (Why must "shifting" be so similar to a word I shouldn't say here.) I'm going to share the obscenely long list of "potential types" with you all. My reasons for thinking they are, and my reasons for denying them.
1. Black bear
Why: The shiiiiiiiiiifts so many of them. That's the reason for most, actually. The feeling of a heavy, powerful body and thick paws.
Why not: I don't feel like I should be a bear, if that makes sense. Apart from the flash occasional shift, not much happens with bear for me. I can't imagine myself living as a bear (I can easily imagine living as a cormorant). I can rationalize why I might have a connection with it, though- the bear is a good symbol for what I wish I had. Size, strength, and the ability to intimidate people just by existing. No one messes with a bear. Bears don't worry about everything out there being a potential killer. I've got none of that, and wish I did.
Why: It's a bird and it eats fish and it's a bit like a cormorant in many ways
Why not: Shape is weird. Nothing to justify this that isn't explained by cormorant.
Why: It's a decently-sized black bird and it can soar and I like the idea of scavengers
Why not: Cormorants are also decently-sized black birds, anhingas can soar, vultures have weird beaks, talons feel kind of wrong
Why: I love albatrosses! One of my favorite animals. I love their lifestyle.
Why not: Form feels weird. Liking the animal is not the same as being it. Lifestyle is different from cormorants, but not radically different.
Why: I see them all the time and have frequently felt like I should have multiple pairs of limbs
Why not: Just not enough reasoning on this one, and imagining myself living as a spider is hella weird.
This one is actually the latest in "questioning types." I don't even know what it might even begin to be. That's actually my main reason for thinking it's not a kintype at all but just a collection of random feelings, but maybe it's a kintype that is really obscure and that's why I can't peg it to anything yet.
So the list wasn't as obscenely long as I thought. I forget some? Might be.
I think the likely explanation for most of these is "heartedness." Definitely for the albatross, anyway.
Minor "rant," though I'm honestly not very sad about it.
It's looking like an entire side of my family wants nothing to do with me. With absolutely no warning. They're just suddenly gone. I noticed that none of them have accepted my requests on Facebook, even though they've accepted my sister. I'd shrug it off as just an example of people not knowing how to use Facebook, but I did have my dad on there and when I went to wish him happy birthday recently, I noticed that he had dropped me! The page said "Add friend." I didn't drop him so guess what that means...None of them are responding to any of my messages. Even some of the ones I thought I was on fairly decent terms with have dropped me and seem to be ignoring me. But they're still associating with my sister. What gives, "family?"
I can't say I'm mad about it. They've only just barely been there. I'd do things for them, but they rarely did anything for me. Dad himself was a loser who seems to revel in it, he left my mom and I (and sister) when I was one. I hardly ever visited him and whenever I did (usually on some holiday), he'd find something to berate me about, make it seem like I'm the one making bad choices. Without going into too much detail, he's really kind of a jerk. And that entire side of the family is full of jerks. I'm not sad to leave them behind and forget I was ever associated with them, if that's what they want. Seems like the only reason they're called "family" is because we share DNA and a last name. (A stupid last name, by the way. I won't reveal it but I've always hated it, it's a single syllable, and when combined with my first initial it spells something vulgar, as I found out when I got an assigned email one day.)
Meanwhile the other half of the family isn't ignoring me, but apart from my mom and sister, we've never been that close. Most of them are a thousand miles away. Really, the only people I've been close to are those two people I keep mentioning. Makes me wonder, when they inevitably drift away on their own, who am I going to have? I mean, if you want to get weird, I've had dreams about this exact thing happening, but in all of those dreams I simply find someone of my own and run off with them and their family and forget all this stuff even ever happened. Maybe that's just what I wish would happen, I don't know.
No, not mixed up all at once. Just a bunch of thoughts that I'm combining into one post. Also, it's raining and I painted my nails traffic cone orange and I'm eating bean sprouts. Just thought you needed that information to continue.
Spoiler: Past lives
I'm not so sure how I feel about past lives. Do they exist? I kind of hope so because that would mean reincarnation exists and I want it to, sort of. I lean towards the idea that it happens, but I don't trust "past life memories" because the way I think reincarnation happens wouldn't allow memories to be brought over. So I think the "memories" aren't quite right. But I don't have total certainty on what actually happens, so in case past life memories are real, here's one I think is a candidate: this really vague "memory" I have of being in (I think) Japan sometime before the 20th century. I hardly "remember" anything at all, and I didn't understand what the people were saying. I was put into a basket at one point. I was on a boat at another point. It lines up pretty well with the idea of cormorant fishing, which was practiced in Japan around that time. The cormorants were put in baskets, too. I did have this "memory" before I knew about cormorant fishing, so...maybe? Who knows. Not me.
Blue was once my favorite color. I thought it was so gorgeous and vibrant. Now I look at blue and think it's a drab, boring color. I also can't find my former-favorite shade of blue anywhere, either. It was a deep blue-purple-but-more-blue and now it seems to have disappeared from the planet. I even remembered where I had seen it before and looked and no, it's gone. All I see are drab dark blue shades. Could I have lost some of the ability to see the color blue? Or maybe I just remember the color as brighter because I liked it more? Or maybe colors really are disappearing.
And feelings. UGH feelings. Why can't I control my feelings, everything would be so much easier. It seems I've got three main feelings, 1: annoyingly happy, fun, confident, motivated and gonna-go-rule-the-world, 2: neutral robotic but relaxed, 3: sad, can't be motivated, just want to sleep or die preferably die, lonely, oh god kill me now please. Of course there are others, but those are the main ones. Sometimes I get a mix of these three, or it will change during the day, but usually I'm stuck in one of these for a couple of days at a time. It's kind of annoying. 2 is probably the best as far as being acceptable goes, but 1 is more fun. It's the only time I don't give one single damn about what people think of me. If I could just figure out how to get all of the confidence and motivation and fun-to-be-around of 1 with the rationality of 2 and just eliminate 3 entirely, my life would probably be perfect.
I always have been interested in shapeshifting and transformation and anything along those lines. My favorite thing to do when I was a kid was fantasize about what it would be like to become something else. Anything. Anything at all. Most kids like to pretend they're dogs or something, or wonder about what it's like to be someone else. I did that, but my pretending included anything from animals to plants to inanimate objects. I put a lampshade on my head and stood as still as I could once, pretending I was a lamp. I wore bunny ears and hopped like...a bunny. I could be found sitting on a "nest" of golf balls.
Like many kids who have been sorted into roles based on the appearance of their body parts, I was given Barbie dolls and toy babies to play with. And I did play with them. But I also had toys shaped like animals. And dollhouse parts like tiny chairs and tables, and Barbie clothing, and so on. And one of my favorite "scenes" to re-enact over and over was the one I had made up, where one of the doll family goes missing and it is quickly realized that she was playing around with transfiguration magic or whatever and it went HORRIBLY WRONG, and now they have to determine which inanimate object or animal she managed to turn herself into and change her back.
My favorite "scary" stories were about werewolves, shapeshifters, and there was this one I vaguely remember about kids getting cursed to become chickens. Never got to read it all, but I loved what I saw of Animorphs. I loved talking animal movies, not because they were cute and friendly, but because animals talking was a cool concept. Something about these animals enables them to communicate with humans. Remarkable. Harry Potter and transfiguration? Holy crap, awesome!
I liked to draw half-human half-animal creatures. I liked to draw images implying that two people had switched bodies. I liked to draw grotesque hybrids and mutants. Lilo and Stitch was cool because it had those "experiments." I called my drawings my "experiments." I'm not so sure I'd call myself a furry, but I love anthro-animals.
I wonder if this has anything to do with being otherkin, or if being otherkin has anything to do with this, or if it's not related at all?
...but what the hell is it?
Many times, when I wake up, I feel like something is different. A bit off. I don't know what, though. The world is different, but I don't know how. I can't even tell if it's better or worse, just that something has changed.
I also have another vague feeling that comes around no matter the time of day. I can't really describe it because I can't get a hold of it. You ever have a feeling where you don't even know what you're feeling? You ever see a speck in your eye and try to focus on it, but every time you think you're close, it moves? It's a combination of those things. The closest I've come is that I've determined it's a mostly-good feeling.
Whenever I try to think about what it might be or what the cause is, I always come back to the idea that something is out there, waiting for me. I don't know if that's why I get the vague feeling, or if it's just wishful thinking (because I really, REALLY want there to be something out there waiting for me). What (and where and when) on Earth could it be, if there is one? Am I moving closer to it, or further away?
Or maybe it's just chemicals screwing with me and nothing is actually happening, I mean it could be something along those lines as well
I'm alone. As usual. I'm practically synonymous with loneliness. Why, though? I'm surrounded by people. I'm not ALONE. I interact with them. I can talk to them. But why do I still feel so alone?
I've always been this way, though it didn't hit me until a couple of years ago. I could watch people building huge, happy networks all day while I sat in some corner all alone. I watched everyone sit and eat lunch together. I watched everyone pairing up while I continued to just...kind of exist. By myself. That was just the way it was. I never questioned it until recently. Companionship is for other people.
Now, suddenly, it's killing me. I'm still the same lonely observer I always have been, but now I don't want to be. Why? Why must it be this way? Why do I want something that I can't have? I haven't gotten close to having a meaningful connection with anyone in my entire life. What makes me think I can? It would be so much easier if I could just forget about it and move on.
But now I want a meaningful relationship, like I was apparently not meant to have. I don't want to blame fate or other people for it (too much), I know how this goes. "You meet one person with a problem, they've got a problem. You meet hundreds of people with problems, you have the problem." I know the problem is me, I just don't know how to fix it. Or if I even should. I'm hoping it will just go away. It's not going to go away, is it?
So what might be the problem? Why can't I make connections with people? I know I'm a weirdo, but I like to think I'm at least somewhat better at hiding it. Maybe it's politics. But I don't care too much about incompatibility. Those people wouldn't want to connect with me anyway, and neither would I. We've each got our own circles on that one. Is it the way I look? I don't know, I don't look too odd in a plain shirt and some black shorts.
Maybe I should do one of those anonymous polls that lets people say what they think of me without revealing themselves. I did.
They described me as distant, cold, hard to contact, and a whole bunch of other things along those lines. So the problem is that I'm too isolated from people? I could see that, but at the same time I don't think I'm that isolated. It seems the solution is to make myself closer to people. Well GEE I never thought of that! To get closer to someone, I have to get closer to them. Marvelous. Just how am I going to do that, exactly? It feels like I could have done something that simple by now.
Another problem I've heard is that my interests aren't particularly, well, interesting. I'm not the kind of person everyone seems to be looking for, that is, confident and cheerful and always being funny. I'm just not that way. I'm not always sad and stiff either, it's just that I tend to be less...boisterous. I guess this makes me boring.
It seems that my choices, then, are wait for someone who can get past all of that, or wait until I get desperate enough to force myself to be someone I'm absolutely not. I guess I can always keep waiting for someone to just suddenly come across me, and hoping that they'll stay. I've been doing that for as long as I can remember, though, and no one really sticks around. I've made friends, sure, but they're not close. Most of them aren't so much "friends" as they are "political allies," we know each other because we have similar goals. That's about it.
I'd love to have someone I can be comfortable with. I see people taking pictures together and hugging and always sticking together, I wish I could have that. I just can't bring myself to. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I have to be this way. Everyone seems so far away.