Separate names with a comma.
I like to let my mind wander while waiting to fall asleep. I did just that last night, and came up with something odd.
It was a first-person thing, which is different to begin with because I like to imagine things in third-person for some reason. It was dark and cold, underwater, but comfortable. I could breathe underwater.
While I could see, it wasn't much use. It was a lot easier to get around using whatever weird sense of direction was telling me which ways were up and down, and my four antennae. Oh, did I mention I was some weird sea creature?
I had plates, an exoskeleton. Four antennae on my face as well as not-really-useful eyes. And lots of legs. Maybe 10. The front legs were somewhat bigger than the others, and had small hooks on the ends. Overall, the body was tiny and compact, although not like a shrimp (which was something I thought of afterward, but looking up shrimp, that wasn't it).
I decided to go to the bottom of whatever water I was in, and found some sandy stuff and rotting plants. I took some of the rotting plants with my front legs and ate them. That was all.
To preface this post about difficult life questions:
When someone accuses me of pushing an agenda.
Okay, not all are difficult life questions. Here's an easy one:
1. Do I really want a bunch of holly plants? Do I want to surround myself with them?
Yes. Yes I do. Next question please.
2. Does this count as a Rickroll?
3. Do I even have a gender and what is it?
I can't seem to make up my mind. One day I KNOW what I should be! and then the next I have no idea and don't care. And it's usually something different each time. If you meet me, I don't change my expression much. This is really just because I can't be bothered to try and make a good-looking change when I know I'm going to regret it the next day. What I show is just a compromise of sorts. Too bad shapeshifting isn't a thing, because it seems to be what I need. To just be several different people.
4. Do I really want to be less lonely?
Sounds like a crap question because of course I do, but the thing is, when an opportunity presents itself for me to be less lonely, I flinch from it. It's like that annoying phrase "it's good in theory." I'm starting to think I'm just meant to be alone. But I don't want that to be true. But it probably is.
5. Do I seriously have a third/fourth kintype?!
Some unidentifiable thing that is probably a tiny crustacean, and an albatross. Those are what I'm currently considering. The albatross is one that I had denied because I don't really get shifts, but I could totally see myself being an albatross anyway, so I don't know about it. It's back on the "maybe" list.
For a long time, I used to be absurdly afraid of one specific thing. In fact, it still makes me queasy under certain scenarios, but not to the point that I entirely avoid the thing. So what is it? Spiders? The dark? Aliens? Fire? Ghosts?
That's right, drains, as in the things in your bathtubs and your pools and in some cases the sides of your roads. Any kind of drain. Reportedly, when I was maybe 1 or 2, it was incredibly difficult to get me to take a bath because I kept trying to get away from the drain. Like it was all okay until I saw the drain and then NOPE!
It didn't help that my sister liked to put her hand over open drains to feel the suction. It worried me, because every time I legitimately thought she wasn't going to be able to take her hand off. The suction on a bathtub drain isn't enough to do that, but I thought it could be. I hated pool drains, too. I would absolutely refuse to swim over a pool drain even if it had a cover over it and wasn't draining anything. I thought "that thing is going to start sucking and then my life is going to start sucking, because it's going to pull me in and I can't pull away and I'm going to die."
It's funny that's the first thing I thought when I saw a pool drain, because it had never been suggested to me that it could be dangerous, I just knew it was. In fact, most people told me it wasn't possible to die that way. I didn't believe them at all, and GUESS WHAT you CAN die that way! Just look up pool drain deaths, or delta-P if you want to see the same concept applied to other things. But I hadn't heard this until much later.
I always had nightmares about dying that way. It's a recurring nightmare I still have. I get sucked in by a drain and drown, the type of drain and the situation varies but the outcome is the same.
...I hope I don't have that nightmare now that I'm thinking about it.
I hate my name.
My real name, that is. And more specifically, my first name, although the last one sucks too. I don't want to say what it is (shh I'm hiding) but I'll say what's wrong with it. I don't like the sound of it, it's not all that fitting (to me, anyway), and I've got bad memories with it. Whenever I hear it I just imagine all the times I've heard people gossiping about me. All the bad days where I was called by that name. Just so many bad memories and associations, I want to drop it. And of course, when the first letter of it is combined with my last name, it spells a vulgar word. Perfect.
Of course, there's always the option of changing it. I'm seriously considering this option. But...when? What? How?
The when question is not one I like to think about. Mainly because it would require that I come out and admit that I hate my name. It would feel like an insult to my mother. And it would be a hell to change. First I'd have to work up the courage to actually introduce myself with it, and not feel like a fraud. Then I'd have to tell people who know me by the current name that I'm changing it and then tell them what I've picked, which is a great way to get judged. And of course, there's the legal things.
I hear that in many states, you have to appear before the court to legally change your name, and while I get why they do it, it still sounds terrifying. I'm probably being irrational, because the reason they ask why you're changing is just to make sure it's not breaking a law. I wouldn't be breaking any laws. I just don't like the idea of appearing before a court to explain my terrible choices.
The what question is easy enough. I've got a list of possibilities, all that I like. Some I'm deciding against because I have family members by those names, even though I like them a lot (for example, Holly- by the way, Kerguelen means something along the lines of "house of holly" or "holly farm"). Some I decided against because they would sound stupid with my last name (although it's hard to find something that doesn't). And of the ones that remain, I certainly have a favorite. I tell myself not to choose too quickly, but oh man, there's one I really want.
You know how when you see clothing, and think "that looks cool," and try it on and you feel like it fits perfectly and makes you look good? You know how even though there's a possibility other people don't like how it looks on you, you still love it? That's how I feel about this name. I want it. I look in the mirror and say it and for once, I don't feel ashamed or fake saying it. I really do feel like this could be a thing! I could make this a thing!
But then, like the perfect article of clothing, it brings up more questions. What if I don't like it a week from now? Regret is a terrible feeling. And what if no one else likes it? What if they judge me and my terrible life decisions? Yeah, I think it's perfect and think it sounds like "me," but I bet no one else does.
It's a variation of a name I've liked since I was 7. I think that, for the most part, I won't regret it. And even if I did, almost anything is better than my current name. The question, I guess, isn't so much "what should I change it to" but more "will I ever get the courage to do it." Possibly. I can't stand the thought of having to be called by the current name my whole life.
I just put the [Cormo-Rant] thing there when I'm about to complain about something. I don't know if it even makes any sense, I just liked the pun on cormorant.
Lots of questions on my mind right now. Mostly bothering me. Like:
Did I understand that assignment correctly? Why did I wait until now to start when I could have asked about it today? Am I going to screw up in front of everyone tomorrow?
Will my uncle ever quit being a hypocrite and demanding quiet from everyone else while he plays his football at full volume so that it drowns out everything in our tiny house, whistles and sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard, and slams doors so hard that my picture falls off of the wall?
Am I completely useless?
Will I really get the potato of my dreams tomorrow?
Also, nothing worth going into a giant rant over, just that I'm...quickly realizing that quite a few people do not agree with me at all. On quite a few important things. I know that's a thing that happens, but maaaaaaaaaaan....
And it smells a bit like rotting eggs in here.
First, this song came up in my playlist and I think I scared everyone with "THIS IS MY JAM!!!" It's also kind of relevant. ooh baby heaven is a place on earth
Here's a post that I posted. It's the thing that got me thinking.
Spoiler: yay paragraphs!
I don't claim to be certain, and my "official" stance is that I don't know and probably can't know. But I've got an idea that I particularly like, and if I were to declare a belief in something, this would be it:
Death is completely neutral. It's just another part of nature. There's no afterlife in the sense of "a place you go for eternity." You don't cease to exist, either. I feel like the water cycle is a good metaphor for it. Water doesn't stay in the same place or state forever. It moves around. You can have several drops of water, but eventually they all come together in a puddle. The water still exists, even if the individual identity of the droplets have been lost.
And then you can have that puddle evaporate and fall as drops again, are the drops the exact same as the ones that came together in the puddle? Well, no, the water has been all mixed up. But they've now got a new individual identity as droplets.
I guess you could say it's a form of reincarnation, though usually when someone says "reincarnation" they mean literally the same person going into a different body and another different body and another one all over time. This is...different. Like several different people can brought together into one new person, and so on and so forth...kind of like how a hot dog can be made of several different individual animals but it's all "pork" or "beef" and one single hot dog.
Probably not the most reassuring explanation for most (you're going to lose your identity and be mushed together with a bunch of other things to create a new thing! yay!) but to me, it's better than not existing (which isn't scary because of not being "me" anymore, but simply because it's a complete mind-screw), or being the same thing for all of eternity (even worse than not existing in my opinion).
It got me thinking about "factkin." As I understand it, those are people who identify as a currently-existing person as their kintype. I'm not entirely sure of the details. It got me wondering if this could be a potential explanation for factkin? Of course, the obvious explanation (and the one I've adhered to for the most part) is that they just aren't a thing. But what about this? Is this even what "factkin" are, or am I not getting it? Here's the idea I had, though. I totally made up the names and dates.
You have Jack, who lived in 1980. Jack died. Later, around the same time as each other, you have Mary and Kate. By the above explanation of death and reincarnation, Jack could have reincarnated as both Kate and Mary. Kate does not know Mary very well. But eventually, she learns of Mary's existence, and claims to be "factkin" with Mary. Could this "identity" be based on a shared past life? (Is that even how this works?)
So it sounds ridiculous, but it was a thought. It's a hell of a lot of conclusions to make, and brings to mind that saying about how the most likely explanation is the simple one, but...yay there it is.
Not a long entry here, but I really love cormorant dreams. "Dream shifts," I guess they count as. "Cormorant being a cormorant" is a good explanation of what it's like. The last one involved diving. I fell asleep for what, 15 minutes? and had this amazing dream about being a cormorant.
What's so amazing about them, to me, is just how unamazing they are. There's nothing fantastical about it. I'm just a bird doing bird things and it's the closest I'm ever going to get to the real thing. Like the last one, it was literally just diving. Underwater. You could probably find a video of a cormorant cam somewhere to see what it's like, but it's nothing special. The real fun is how real it feels, and you can only get that in the dream. I'm not sure how to describe it. Feeling the water all around you, but not holding you back at all.
I might seem like someone who is pretty confident in only having a couple of kintypes. Well...that's not quite true. In fact, it seems like I'm questioning a new one every month or so. Of course, there are only two that I can conclusively say are actual types, even though I'm still uncertain if they're both legit or if it's only one because they're almost the same thing. While the rest have been for the most part denied. Some of them just won't go away though, even though I have reasons to deny them I can't get them off of my mind or stop cameo-shifting them. (Why must "shifting" be so similar to a word I shouldn't say here.) I'm going to share the obscenely long list of "potential types" with you all. My reasons for thinking they are, and my reasons for denying them.
1. Black bear
Why: The shiiiiiiiiiifts so many of them. That's the reason for most, actually. The feeling of a heavy, powerful body and thick paws.
Why not: I don't feel like I should be a bear, if that makes sense. Apart from the flash occasional shift, not much happens with bear for me. I can't imagine myself living as a bear (I can easily imagine living as a cormorant). I can rationalize why I might have a connection with it, though- the bear is a good symbol for what I wish I had. Size, strength, and the ability to intimidate people just by existing. No one messes with a bear. Bears don't worry about everything out there being a potential killer. I've got none of that, and wish I did.
Why: It's a bird and it eats fish and it's a bit like a cormorant in many ways
Why not: Shape is weird. Nothing to justify this that isn't explained by cormorant.
Why: It's a decently-sized black bird and it can soar and I like the idea of scavengers
Why not: Cormorants are also decently-sized black birds, anhingas can soar, vultures have weird beaks, talons feel kind of wrong
Why: I love albatrosses! One of my favorite animals. I love their lifestyle.
Why not: Form feels weird. Liking the animal is not the same as being it. Lifestyle is different from cormorants, but not radically different.
Why: I see them all the time and have frequently felt like I should have multiple pairs of limbs
Why not: Just not enough reasoning on this one, and imagining myself living as a spider is hella weird.
This one is actually the latest in "questioning types." I don't even know what it might even begin to be. That's actually my main reason for thinking it's not a kintype at all but just a collection of random feelings, but maybe it's a kintype that is really obscure and that's why I can't peg it to anything yet.
So the list wasn't as obscenely long as I thought. I forget some? Might be.
I think the likely explanation for most of these is "heartedness." Definitely for the albatross, anyway.
Minor "rant," though I'm honestly not very sad about it.
It's looking like an entire side of my family wants nothing to do with me. With absolutely no warning. They're just suddenly gone. I noticed that none of them have accepted my requests on Facebook, even though they've accepted my sister. I'd shrug it off as just an example of people not knowing how to use Facebook, but I did have my dad on there and when I went to wish him happy birthday recently, I noticed that he had dropped me! The page said "Add friend." I didn't drop him so guess what that means...None of them are responding to any of my messages. Even some of the ones I thought I was on fairly decent terms with have dropped me and seem to be ignoring me. But they're still associating with my sister. What gives, "family?"
I can't say I'm mad about it. They've only just barely been there. I'd do things for them, but they rarely did anything for me. Dad himself was a loser who seems to revel in it, he left my mom and I (and sister) when I was one. I hardly ever visited him and whenever I did (usually on some holiday), he'd find something to berate me about, make it seem like I'm the one making bad choices. Without going into too much detail, he's really kind of a jerk. And that entire side of the family is full of jerks. I'm not sad to leave them behind and forget I was ever associated with them, if that's what they want. Seems like the only reason they're called "family" is because we share DNA and a last name. (A stupid last name, by the way. I won't reveal it but I've always hated it, it's a single syllable, and when combined with my first initial it spells something vulgar, as I found out when I got an assigned email one day.)
Meanwhile the other half of the family isn't ignoring me, but apart from my mom and sister, we've never been that close. Most of them are a thousand miles away. Really, the only people I've been close to are those two people I keep mentioning. Makes me wonder, when they inevitably drift away on their own, who am I going to have? I mean, if you want to get weird, I've had dreams about this exact thing happening, but in all of those dreams I simply find someone of my own and run off with them and their family and forget all this stuff even ever happened. Maybe that's just what I wish would happen, I don't know.
No, not mixed up all at once. Just a bunch of thoughts that I'm combining into one post. Also, it's raining and I painted my nails traffic cone orange and I'm eating bean sprouts. Just thought you needed that information to continue.
Spoiler: Past lives
I'm not so sure how I feel about past lives. Do they exist? I kind of hope so because that would mean reincarnation exists and I want it to, sort of. I lean towards the idea that it happens, but I don't trust "past life memories" because the way I think reincarnation happens wouldn't allow memories to be brought over. So I think the "memories" aren't quite right. But I don't have total certainty on what actually happens, so in case past life memories are real, here's one I think is a candidate: this really vague "memory" I have of being in (I think) Japan sometime before the 20th century. I hardly "remember" anything at all, and I didn't understand what the people were saying. I was put into a basket at one point. I was on a boat at another point. It lines up pretty well with the idea of cormorant fishing, which was practiced in Japan around that time. The cormorants were put in baskets, too. I did have this "memory" before I knew about cormorant fishing, so...maybe? Who knows. Not me.
Blue was once my favorite color. I thought it was so gorgeous and vibrant. Now I look at blue and think it's a drab, boring color. I also can't find my former-favorite shade of blue anywhere, either. It was a deep blue-purple-but-more-blue and now it seems to have disappeared from the planet. I even remembered where I had seen it before and looked and no, it's gone. All I see are drab dark blue shades. Could I have lost some of the ability to see the color blue? Or maybe I just remember the color as brighter because I liked it more? Or maybe colors really are disappearing.
And feelings. UGH feelings. Why can't I control my feelings, everything would be so much easier. It seems I've got three main feelings, 1: annoyingly happy, fun, confident, motivated and gonna-go-rule-the-world, 2: neutral robotic but relaxed, 3: sad, can't be motivated, just want to sleep or die preferably die, lonely, oh god kill me now please. Of course there are others, but those are the main ones. Sometimes I get a mix of these three, or it will change during the day, but usually I'm stuck in one of these for a couple of days at a time. It's kind of annoying. 2 is probably the best as far as being acceptable goes, but 1 is more fun. It's the only time I don't give one single damn about what people think of me. If I could just figure out how to get all of the confidence and motivation and fun-to-be-around of 1 with the rationality of 2 and just eliminate 3 entirely, my life would probably be perfect.
I always have been interested in shapeshifting and transformation and anything along those lines. My favorite thing to do when I was a kid was fantasize about what it would be like to become something else. Anything. Anything at all. Most kids like to pretend they're dogs or something, or wonder about what it's like to be someone else. I did that, but my pretending included anything from animals to plants to inanimate objects. I put a lampshade on my head and stood as still as I could once, pretending I was a lamp. I wore bunny ears and hopped like...a bunny. I could be found sitting on a "nest" of golf balls.
Like many kids who have been sorted into roles based on the appearance of their body parts, I was given Barbie dolls and toy babies to play with. And I did play with them. But I also had toys shaped like animals. And dollhouse parts like tiny chairs and tables, and Barbie clothing, and so on. And one of my favorite "scenes" to re-enact over and over was the one I had made up, where one of the doll family goes missing and it is quickly realized that she was playing around with transfiguration magic or whatever and it went HORRIBLY WRONG, and now they have to determine which inanimate object or animal she managed to turn herself into and change her back.
My favorite "scary" stories were about werewolves, shapeshifters, and there was this one I vaguely remember about kids getting cursed to become chickens. Never got to read it all, but I loved what I saw of Animorphs. I loved talking animal movies, not because they were cute and friendly, but because animals talking was a cool concept. Something about these animals enables them to communicate with humans. Remarkable. Harry Potter and transfiguration? Holy crap, awesome!
I liked to draw half-human half-animal creatures. I liked to draw images implying that two people had switched bodies. I liked to draw grotesque hybrids and mutants. Lilo and Stitch was cool because it had those "experiments." I called my drawings my "experiments." I'm not so sure I'd call myself a furry, but I love anthro-animals.
I wonder if this has anything to do with being otherkin, or if being otherkin has anything to do with this, or if it's not related at all?
...but what the hell is it?
Many times, when I wake up, I feel like something is different. A bit off. I don't know what, though. The world is different, but I don't know how. I can't even tell if it's better or worse, just that something has changed.
I also have another vague feeling that comes around no matter the time of day. I can't really describe it because I can't get a hold of it. You ever have a feeling where you don't even know what you're feeling? You ever see a speck in your eye and try to focus on it, but every time you think you're close, it moves? It's a combination of those things. The closest I've come is that I've determined it's a mostly-good feeling.
Whenever I try to think about what it might be or what the cause is, I always come back to the idea that something is out there, waiting for me. I don't know if that's why I get the vague feeling, or if it's just wishful thinking (because I really, REALLY want there to be something out there waiting for me). What (and where and when) on Earth could it be, if there is one? Am I moving closer to it, or further away?
Or maybe it's just chemicals screwing with me and nothing is actually happening, I mean it could be something along those lines as well
I'm alone. As usual. I'm practically synonymous with loneliness. Why, though? I'm surrounded by people. I'm not ALONE. I interact with them. I can talk to them. But why do I still feel so alone?
I've always been this way, though it didn't hit me until a couple of years ago. I could watch people building huge, happy networks all day while I sat in some corner all alone. I watched everyone sit and eat lunch together. I watched everyone pairing up while I continued to just...kind of exist. By myself. That was just the way it was. I never questioned it until recently. Companionship is for other people.
Now, suddenly, it's killing me. I'm still the same lonely observer I always have been, but now I don't want to be. Why? Why must it be this way? Why do I want something that I can't have? I haven't gotten close to having a meaningful connection with anyone in my entire life. What makes me think I can? It would be so much easier if I could just forget about it and move on.
But now I want a meaningful relationship, like I was apparently not meant to have. I don't want to blame fate or other people for it (too much), I know how this goes. "You meet one person with a problem, they've got a problem. You meet hundreds of people with problems, you have the problem." I know the problem is me, I just don't know how to fix it. Or if I even should. I'm hoping it will just go away. It's not going to go away, is it?
So what might be the problem? Why can't I make connections with people? I know I'm a weirdo, but I like to think I'm at least somewhat better at hiding it. Maybe it's politics. But I don't care too much about incompatibility. Those people wouldn't want to connect with me anyway, and neither would I. We've each got our own circles on that one. Is it the way I look? I don't know, I don't look too odd in a plain shirt and some black shorts.
Maybe I should do one of those anonymous polls that lets people say what they think of me without revealing themselves. I did.
They described me as distant, cold, hard to contact, and a whole bunch of other things along those lines. So the problem is that I'm too isolated from people? I could see that, but at the same time I don't think I'm that isolated. It seems the solution is to make myself closer to people. Well GEE I never thought of that! To get closer to someone, I have to get closer to them. Marvelous. Just how am I going to do that, exactly? It feels like I could have done something that simple by now.
Another problem I've heard is that my interests aren't particularly, well, interesting. I'm not the kind of person everyone seems to be looking for, that is, confident and cheerful and always being funny. I'm just not that way. I'm not always sad and stiff either, it's just that I tend to be less...boisterous. I guess this makes me boring.
It seems that my choices, then, are wait for someone who can get past all of that, or wait until I get desperate enough to force myself to be someone I'm absolutely not. I guess I can always keep waiting for someone to just suddenly come across me, and hoping that they'll stay. I've been doing that for as long as I can remember, though, and no one really sticks around. I've made friends, sure, but they're not close. Most of them aren't so much "friends" as they are "political allies," we know each other because we have similar goals. That's about it.
I'd love to have someone I can be comfortable with. I see people taking pictures together and hugging and always sticking together, I wish I could have that. I just can't bring myself to. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I have to be this way. Everyone seems so far away.