Laufey's blog | Kinmunity: Otherkin Community
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  1. I am the host, Lokilos, and most of the time I am in front. All of my members are walk-in's so they are not always here. Some of them talk more than others.

    "Raziel" is my consort. He is an archangel and essentially a hermit so he doesn't always chat. He helps me emotionally as well as being a rock solid logic machine. He will front with me or for me when I need extra support.

    -Setsuna- is my brother. He is half fae and half angelic (Seraph). He is a tad protective of me and has a quick temper but he is also kind of a softie. Setsuna is my second oldest headmate in the sense that he always comes back around. He is the best at fronting by himself.

    Right now these are the only two here but I will update this as I get more visitors.

    Update *11-12-16*

    Sydney is my best friend. He is a Maker construct. Technically he is Sydney 3.0 since had to be rebuilt a few times. He is a complcated thing for me to describe since he takes "refuge" inside my mind.

    Raphael is many things. He was my teacher and he was, is, my Papa. Generally he comes when I am sick or injured. He is the system caretaker, so to speak. He is an archangel.
    The Unseelie Rose likes this.
  2. This was not what I expected from a Friday but I suppose it could be worse. This morning, I fell asleep in the outdoor hammock and woke up to a sudden downpour. A most impressive display as I damn near fell out of the hammock as a result.

    Fortunately, my brother was kind enough to not say anything as I passed him. My Lady ran me a hot shower and I spent the rest of the day in bed. To some, this probably sounds like a rather extreme reponse to being caught in a storm. However, I am one of those lucky few induviduals that has the misfortune of a ****e immune system. I know exacty how I will wake up on the morrow.

    I always thought it funny. My brother (we are twins) has stellear immunites. He was known for it in our family (which is quite large). Yet, I always had something happen to me and when you're that induvidual, sometimes people treat you're like fine china.

    I detest being sick but being pampered by Lady is a nice benefit. She simply makes everything better.
     Raziel  
    The Unseelie Rose likes this.
  3. This is an older blog but still relevent.

    ***

    Someone asked me once why I would chose to blog over having a journal of my own. He felt that I may not be as honest in a public forum, that I might not let everything out. While I can see that view, for me, this is more like having a conversation with random people who may or may not answer back. For me, this is more comforting somehow then some piece of paper staring back at me. Although this entries may be vague, I am being entirely honest. After all, honest is what I am all of the time.

    I start my days off taking once little yellow pill. It has become my SSRI lifeboat of happiness, in reality, I have only exchanged for a huge bowl of the good sticky icky that would really do me right. Sober me can't turn her brain off for any amount of time; sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and I don't know why.

    I don't like sober me. Sober me can't get her **** straight to save her life. Sober me is like trying to hold a mountain of dominos together while going down a windy road. Sober me is always in a state of flux- she has wild fits of emotions that need piecing back together. It is an exhausting state because I know the pieces fit but in the moment, they seem all dwanky.

    Sober me looks at you and can't understand why you seem (insert judgement here). Sober me tracks each judgement down on her hand for her therapy cards that are looked at each Monday. Sober me can't believe that she made three judgments in the space of a minute.

    Stoned me doesn't care. Stoned me likes to look at clouds, read books and dream about wild fantasies. I could bridge sober and stoned, I would be so happy.

    Someone asks why I am so anxious this morning. He describes it as "a wire coiling tight." The main cause is that I got my blood work back today and seem to be at the threshold of gestational diabetes. I am now analyzing all of the food and drink I intake and desperately searching articles. I am wondering why I can't get a ******* break in my pregnancy. Earlier today I dropped a bowl full of pomegranate seeds because my hand decided it didn't want to hold it anymore. The bowl broke on the linoleum and left red smears when I swept it up. I am becoming convinced that I can't carry anything anymore.

    I want a bowl so bad. I want six bowls and three shots of whiskey.

    I dislike being pregnant. People never believe me when I say I don't want to be pregnant ever again; they seem to think that I will get baby fever and want another. Listen, people, I have been in therapy since February. I have been sick more times than I can count. I have to be on medication so I don't go ******* crazy from hormones. I feel like I am treated like a glass ******* doll or a time bomb about to to go off. I feel like a liability.

    I feel useless.
  4. I had Raziel write out his experience this morning.

    The stairs have exactly eight steps when I required nine. The state of the kitchen is deplorable in my mind. I worry about infestations from outside or the children getting into something they should not. I worry that mold will grow and effect the air of the house which can lead to sickness.
    There is no time to clean

    -the dishes are overcrowding the sink, dirty and flecked-

    I try to breathe and leave the room

    -Lady getting sick. Lady not able to breathe due to her asthma-

    I need to wash my hands. I need to go outside with my Lady.

    -dishesdishesdishesdishesdishes-

    There are only EIGHT stairs and I NEED nine. No, go out the door and be with Lady. I touch the door handle,

    -my hands are disgusting I cannot touch anyone with these hands. Lady gets hit by a car. Car accident car accident car accident car accident car accident car accident car accident car accident car accident-

    In and out of the front door, three steps forward and back again. Nine times.

    Lady put the gloves on my filthy hands or else I cannot touch anything. I rest my head on Her shoulder and count the freckles on her face and arms. Listen to Her breathe and match my exhalations with Her own.
     Raziel  
  5. Hopeless and I'm still having a hard time eating. Today I managed a waffle with PB and bananna. Along with the cereal that Raziel shoved down my throat this morning. Apparently, he just jumps him whenever he wants to now. I sound annoyed but I'm not really.

    Without Raziel in the body, well, I'd like to say I wouldn't be stupid. I can't deny that the feeling is there but hurting myself won't do any good.

    We have to look at the budget again tonight but Lan seems to be in a better mood. Which is good because I don't want this to become another power struggle between him and Em.

    In the good news department, Bug turns one tomorrow! So weird to think that a year ago I was pregnant.
  6. So

    starting to think that this sadness has to do with him.

    Again.

    I

    just

    feel like I'm not be supported. Like he is not a partner in all of this. And it makes me want to

    hurt him.
  7. Stress.
    Depression.
    No money.
    Maybe I need a second job.
    Then I have no time to sleep.
    I need to sleep.
    I also need money.
    I would sleep with people to put food on the table, at this point I don't even care.
  8. Okay, so. Super emotional right now and I'm taking a stab at writing this down as its currently happening so I don't **** my entire day. Having BPD has taught me to try and ride the wave of emotion that practically wrattles my physical frame.
     Laufey  


    Breathe.
     Raziel  


    Okay. Oh; I forgot that I asked Raziel to sort of tap into my headspace in order to calm my ass down.
    My chest is so tight. I should add some context to this; so my husband is basically a #whiney little ***** in every sense of that phrase. He's arguing with our wife over something really small and he's been such a moody little pissant lately.

    It upsets me because of our kids. They're not even one and I can't explain this to them, the reason why there is so much fighting. That's the environment I was raised in and it sucks. It sucks and it ****ed me head more up than it already was.

    It sucks because I took ALL THIS TIME to fix myself, to heal hurt from the pregnancy psychotic break and to just be better. To get back on medication and a proper diagnosis (although if I ever told them about my Sight or who I was I would fit the bill for schizophernia or schizoaffecto disorder. Clinicly speaking)
     Laufey  


    You don't know that for sure.
     Raziel  


    Point is, I'm tired of dealing with it. He needs to join me in the "I have kids now" club.
     Laufey  
  9. I wondered a lot about how to write this, how to merge my online persona with me. Honestly, the two largest communities I frequent are the Fetish forums and an otherkin forum.

    Yeah, I'm one of those people and I'm tired of hiding it.

    Part of this is fetishy goodness and part of this is research for the Webcomic. Welcome to my looking glass.

    ***
    07-11-2016

    Some Terms In My Life!

    The Fetish: I have a perchant for illness, mostly headcolds. I like watching people suffer.

    Oh wow, I made myself sound like a monster. Its true though, I am quite the sadist but an odd one at that. I do like taking care of people, it actually gives me a deep sense of pleasure. I just like inflicting the wounds first, particularily if my patient is a masochist.

    The Webcomic: Is a story that is as old as I am and by this I mean, it is epic. Its co-written by my wife and inspired by our long history together. Lots of people in my life are characters but, you can find that in any story really.

    I plan on putting pictures up here as well, even if many are not completed.

    So stuck in my head because this is how my head sounds. My head is whirpool of regret steeped in memory tea only to come blasting out of me like fire from a mountain.

    I am a volcano.

    Explosion.



    Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots

    I ponder of something great
    My lungs will fill and then deflate
    They fill with fire
    Exhale desire
    I know it's dire
    My time today

    I have these thoughts
    So often I ought
    To replace that slot
    With what I once bought
    'Cause somebody stole
    My car radio
    And now I just sit in silence

    Sometimes quiet is violent
    I find it hard to hide it
    My pride is no longer inside
    It's on my sleeve
    My skin will scream
    Reminding me of
    Who I killed inside my dream
    I hate this car that I'm driving
    There's no hiding for me
    I'm forced to deal with what I feel
    There is no distraction to mask what is real
    I could pull the steering wheel

    I have these thoughts
    So often I ought
    To replace that slot
    With what I once bought
    'Cause somebody stole
    My car radio
    And now I just sit in silence

    I ponder of something terrifying
    'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
    I find over the course of our human existence
    One thing consists of consistence
    And it's that we're all battling fear
    Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
    Oh my,
    Too deep
    Please stop thinking
    I liked it better when my car had sound

    There are things we can do
    But from the things that work there are only two
    And from the two that we choose to do
    Peace will win
    And fear will lose
    There's faith and there's sleep
    We need to pick one please because
    Faith is to be awake
    And to be awake is for us to think
    And for us to think is to be alive
    And I will try with every rhyme
    To come across like I am dying
    To let you know you need to try to think

    I have these thoughts
    So often I ought
    To replace that slot
    With what I once bought
    'Cause somebody stole
    My car radio
    And now I just sit in silence

    ***
    Kalebron likes this.
  10. We're going on a road trip in two days...with two 10 month babies to another state. To visit my wife's dying grandmother so that she can meet her greatgrandson.

    Also, grandma doesn't know we're married. Or that our son has a sister. Or that our mutual man is the father. Its also over the babies first fourth of July which sucks because Da can't go with us.

    Its an 8 hour drive to get to where she lives and with kids, you gotta take breaks. I don't even know what this looks like. So I'm preparing for all of the things.

    This summer needs to quit it with this life on hard ********.
  11. I don't understand her obsession with this website or this blogging thing. I will admit that I do not understand this community one bit. Yet, if it makes her happy then that is all I require.

    I suppose I will be in the body for awhile today as she tries to get her head together.
     Raziel  



    I feel really pathetic for needing this kind of help all of the time. Why can't I do it on my own? The **** is wrong with me?
     Laufey  
  12. Its all my fault. Thats what I keep hearing in my head. Guess I'm not as grown up as I thought.

    So then I think about...driving my van into a wall. Or off a bridge. Although, I would never actually go through with it, I can't help the thoughts.

    This blog is stupid and so am I.
  13. Just a list of what I'm currently dealing with.

    -No money until next week. I barely had rent. Wife hit up food banks so that we have enough for the kids.

    -I owe my mom money now. For the rent I didn't have.

    -I still can't find my wallet so I have to get new everything. You know with my no money.

    -Creditors are assholes and they won't stop calling.

    -My back is still really bad to the point that I should have it looked it but NO MONEY. So, thats that.

    -We're now super behind on bills and I have another two weeks off with no pay.

    -We need to find childcare for the kids so that the wife can go back to work.

    -Husband, of course, is being borderline useless.

    *bangs head repeatedly into wall*
  14. Blogging makes people into attention whores.
    I am one of those people.
    This is why I blog better than I journal, I think.
    Although its the same thing as a journal to me. Y'alls all up in my bizness, don't take it personal.

    So, I made poor financial choices that led to me not having money for rent...which led to me almost having a panic attack on my way to work.

    I drive a work van for a special needs school so I kinda gotta be on point about my driving. I am a **** driver, sad but true. So Raziel decides to jump into my body. Not the first time this has happened but it was a good idea. I actually find it calming to have someone else in my head, the closeness of it is so intense. I could feel Raz holding onto me tightly as he fronted, which also helped me calm. When he fronted, I could "see" his hands over my own and could "feel" his facial structure on my own face. This is how I feel when anyone fronts, although I feel as if I have no control over what the body actually does- I am still present.

    I could go inward and dissociate totally but its hard when I'm at work so I usually don't. Raz fronted for most of the day while I co-fronted at times. It wears him out though. He's not used to a body and being that close to Me, he can only tolerate it so long. Laz can only front for a few hours at best.

    Huh, I guess this makes me a gateway system of sorts? I don't know, y'all use lots of fancy terms that mean little to me. But thats a different rant.

    Toodle~oo
  15. I went a little HAM on my face and there is so much blood on my nails right now.

    Eesh.

    I dissociate a lot. During these times, I generally find that I have been physically obessings over my body. By physical I mean like, touching one spot over and over or relentless picking at my acne or cuticles. My fingers looks terrible right now but I can't stop.

    I'm stressed. I hadn't realized how much until just now. I feel so tired all of the time which is odd because the babies are sleeping better at night.
    Its also a big deal that all of us share a bedroom now. My wife's OCD is now in all of our home spaces. Not that I mind because it can be terribly practical but it often comes with such rage.

    #whydoeseverythinghurt #hashtagbecauseiduckingcan