Separate names with a comma.
Just a list of music that I feel represents the relationship between me and my Guardian, or that brings us closer. I'll probably be talking about my Guardian quite a bit over the next little while. Our connection has been my lifeline lately.
Lifehouse - Exhale
Lifehouse - Storm
Lifehouse - You Are Not Alone
If you couldn't tell by the lyrics, my Guardian is a major source of guidance, comfort, and companionship. Each of these songs brings about the same warmth I feel when my Guardian is close (which could still be the actual warmth of my Guardian themselves).
To my Guardian:
It's been awhile. I apologize for not explicitly writing you lately.
First of all, I want to thank you for what you've been doing for me lately, particularly over the past week. I don't think I need to tell you how my life has been...or how much I've been struggling with it.
I know it was you. I don't know how you did it, but I've no doubt that you were the one behind that coincidence the other day. He was stabbing me with his tongue, slurring insults that made me out to be some kind of lazy, ungrateful, uncaring person simply because I didn't want to bake a cake with spoiled dairy. I was hiding under a blanket, crying, begging for the abuse to stop; then the power went out. The power went out right as he was about to slam the oven door on that disgusting cake, and he had to eat his words and drop that petty ****ing argument.
I don't have the words to describe the awe and gratitude I feel toward you right now. All I can say is thank you in the most sincere tone I can muster, as I cried the rest of my thankful tears the other day. <3
However, I must ask: why? Why is this happening to me? Is this your doing?
Please understand that I'm not blaming you for anything, and I would never hold this against you. It's just that...well, if this is a test--which I feel this may very well be--then I fear I'm failing. The weight on my shoulders is just too much. I'm tired. I'm suffocating. At this point, I'm just waiting for the next stage of my life to carry me away from this mess. I feel like helping from a distance would be easier, but I also feel like I shouldn't. I'm stuck in the middle of a game of Tug-'o'-War, paralyzed by my own exhaustion, threatened by a sense of fatalism that I desperately don't want to adopt. I know this isn't how it is or how it has to be. I'm better than that...
...but I don't know how much I have left in me. I don't know if I can pull myself out of this hole alone. I know that this will eventually be my profession, and I embrace everything that's happened to me as valuable experience to be referenced in the future, but this....I don't know.
Your warmth tells me that you understand where I'm coming from. Thank you for that. Again, I don't know whether or not this is your influence, and I don't blame you if it is. I just need some strength right now. I'm fresh out of my own.
To my Guardian--whomever and wherever you may be:
Despite the thoughts that have crossed my mind, the tears of gratitude that have traced my cheeks, and the numerous times I've uttered "thank you" under my sobbing breath, I feel I've never properly thanked you for your presence or anything you've done for me. We may sense each other, but mutual understanding is nothing compared to when one approaches another and spills his heart on his own accord. Words have always been my specialty, and words I believe are the only way I can convey just how strong my feelings are.
I was young, naïve, but you made the best of my innocence. You graced me with a friend that the rest of the world felt I didn't deserve, a boy who protected me until I found my own strength, who opened his ears to my woes and his shoulders to my tearful face. I have a brother (whom I love), but you gave me a brother with whom I can bond, something I could never achieve with the former. You gave me a way to stay standing, despite everything that was being thrown at me, so I could continue down that treacherous path toward enlightenment that you so desperately urged me to follow. Then, when things became complicated, you helped me maintain that brother- and sisterhood.
At least, I think you're the reason behind my best friend. I suppose no one will know for sure. None of us--not he, not I, neither of our families--recall the origin of our friendship. I can only assume it involved your influence.
As I grew older and a little more aware, you slowly made yourself more and more apparent to me. I began to sense your presence and your influence, your feelings about the choices I made. (I like to think I never made terrible choices, but I also know that children don't have filters. Oh, well. I'll take a clumsy mouth over drugs and alcohol any day.) The bullies went away and were replaced by a rainbow of different personalities. I went from knowing no one to everyone: people of different genders, sexualities, belief systems...some to which I could relate and some that needed thought to grasp. However, the lessons you taught me in my early youth put knowledge under my belt that many of my peers seemed to lack in adolescence, and I knew to accept them regardless of their identities and of how they received mine.
You've given and taught me so much more that I can't detail, but these are the big things.
So, here I say thank you: for your patience, for your wisdom, for your generosity and compassion. Thank you for all the gifts you've given me and all the lessons you've taught me. Thank you for every part of my life, whether good or bad, that's been touched by your influence. It's because of you that I open my arms to struggle and hardship and embrace everything as either a blessing to be cherished or a lesson to be learned. I look forward to what you have in store for me in the years to come.
It's been waiting for this, but I haven't had the chance to write/post anything till now. I've only mentioned it to one close friend (and you know who you are).
So, please bear with me. I very rarely speak of it, so I can't speak eloquently about it, but I want to do my best since this is the first place I've found that will happily let me say anything at all (and that it feels somewhat comfortable with).
For all my life (or, at least, for as long as I can remember), I've been followed by this very protective, sort of mentor-like entity. I call it my guardian because I simply don't know what else to call it; that's exactly what it's done for me, so I found it fitting (not to mention my guardian likes it). I've never seen it, never met it directly, but I feel it on a deep level, kind of like a conscience...except it's definitely not. It has its own personality, a different thought process from my own, and I still have my own gut feelings whether my guardian seems close to or distant from me at any given moment. And no, it is not a tulpa.
When I say I feel it, I mean that we communicate using a combination of energy, emotion, and something similar to karma. I think of it fondly as our own little language, but I feel like this is partly why I haven't yet been able to see it. I feel like we're a little too comfortable interacting this way. It's quiet, private, and very refined--perfect for communicating among ourselves but very difficult to translate into words for others to understand. (Maybe it's meant to be that way? I don't entirely know, not yet.)
I don't really know where else to go from there. This was meant to be an introduction, I guess. There's just so much to say about it, about us, but I have to be careful not to overstep my boundaries for my guardian's sake. It wants me to get the details right. There will definitely be more over the next few days/weeks, though. c:
(Oh, look! I finally found the blog feature!)
I think I might be a polymorph.
I've been mulling it over in my head for about a week-and-a-half, but all I can do right now is think logically about it. My current living situation doesn't allow me to meditate due to the noise and lack of personal privacy.
So, until move-out day in a month or so, I'm going to continue to examine it from all other possible angles.
Here's said logic behind my little hunch:
I experience involuntary "cameo shifts" extremely often and, most of the time, as vividly as I would my lioness. With this knowledge, I've started playing around with the idea of voluntary shifts. So far, voluntary shifts are possible but feel notably weaker compared to my involuntary shifts. I also have to allow a few minutes to pass between each change of form, as shifting too quickly makes my mind feel scrambled. Involuntary shifts happen when I'm in the vicinity of another animal, even while watching documentaries. (A "survival" strategy, perhaps?)
Going off that, I'm beginning to wonder if my lioness is actually a -type, or if she just represents my comfort zone? I'm a Leo and wear my sign proudly. Part of me is convinced that I'm a lion given past experience, but another part of me thinks I'm clinging to my Zodiac. As a child, I lived life as a wide variety of animals, but in high school I met and befriended a girl who's super into astrology and piqued my interest. I feel as if, since then, I've been too "in tune" with my lioness, if that's possible.
Every now and again, I feel like I'm not...really...anything? It's hard to explain, but basically, when I don't feel like any one (nonhuman) animal, I feel like an entity floating through space rather than a human body--like my human body is partially numb to itself, if that makes sense. I referenced the Library for this bit and came across the term "energy being" to describe polymorphs. I suppose this is what I mean.
I've mentioned this elsewhere within the forum, but I feel like my animal magnetism is...uncanny. I don't mean this in a conceited way. When I observe or interact with another animal, I feel as if my understanding of it is merely another set of instincts kicking in. I've considered attributing this to my study of zoology, but this has happened with species I've never (or very rarely) studied and with individual animals with social problems. I don't know about this one. I think this one could very possibly mean nothing.
Whatever I might be, I know I'm not human. I've felt this way ever since I could walk, talk, and otherwise consciously interact with the world. With where I am now, it's simply a matter of, "Well, if I'm not human, then what the hell am I?"
To my audience, however large or small, do what you will with this information. I'm not fishing for opinions. I'm simply trying to put my experience into words. My mind doesn't know how to handle this information on its own.