Separate names with a comma.
... especially not if my kintype is a Pokémon from a game not even released yet, sigh. I've been trying to shove this all off, but I'm not sure I can. See, I don't want a second kintype, I didn't want my first kintype either! Even less do I want a fictiotype.
It started when I saw Alolan Marowak, from the Sun and Moon trailers, and it started itching at me. And then I saw a theory that a Marowak wears the skulls of the most powerful Pokémon they've killed in battle, and that started letting the memories and shifts flood in.
Since then I've had trouble with walking, feeling a distinct digitigrade in my legs stronger than the one Almandine gives me when he co-fronts. I feel too large, like I should be smaller and wider instead of tall and skinny, like my soul is at times too small for my body. I feel a thick tail unbalancing me. I also feel a heavy weight on my head that sometimes digs in to my own skull, which I can only assume is the skull I would have worn as a helmet. And of course, I feel the heat of the bone-club with its ends on fire.
As for memories, they are vivid and thorough, which caused me to believe at first that they were only ideas for a Marowak OC (amusingly, I also originally passed off my android feelings as ideas for an OC as well, during my self-repression days). But they got harder to ignore, and started to feel like an emotional weight. I remember being a Cubone, and hiding while my Marowak mother was taken down by a Charizard. I remember taking her skull and wearing it like every other Cubone does, but I also felt a need for vengeance. I remember following and tracking that very Charizard, flying across seas on the backs of helpful bird Pokemon in to a different region from which I was born in: Alola. Eventually I brought down that Charizard and defeated it, finally bringing peace to what it had done to my mother and growing emotionally strong enough to evolve.
A peculiar thing is that I remember absorbing that Charizard's soul in to my own when I evolved, as a token of victory. The Alola region allowed me to do so, and when I evolved, the soul changed me from a ground type to a ghost and fire type Pokémon. What's weird about this was that I felt my ghost type along with my fire type for a while now, but I didn't actually know that Alolan Marowak is a ghost/fire type until I researched some of the new reveals just a few minutes ago. Before then, I thought Alolan Marowak was not a ghost type at all, and that was maybe just some canon deviance or just an idea of mine. This kinda made me think to cases of fictionkin predicting what happens to their kintypes before they are canonically proven to have had that happen.
Augh, even as I type all of this, I still want to go back to repressing it and saying it's just an OC idea - though to be honest I still desire to do that with my android kintype as well.
I'm really just not sure what to make of this. Denial sure is fun, eh kids?
I've been practicing witchcraft and spiritual work for a couple of years now, and considered myself a solitary secular witch for most of that time. But the thing is, I'm getting stressed about not being in a coven and not knowing my religious path. I plan on celebrating the Sabbats, starting with this year's Samhain, and I've had interest in figuring out where I belong in terms of this.
I've been searching for a while for religious beliefs that work together with my spiritual beliefs, but matching them up is difficult. I mean, look at this junk:
-I'm a pantheist. I believe in every deity known to us and many more, but with a twist that makes me feel like I'm cheating those deities. I believe every deity was once human just like us, but united their mind and soul to ascend to power.
-I believe in spirits, I view them as souls who are separated from their physical bodies by one of two means, either a) the death of their physical body, leaving their soul to wander or b) mastering the art of projecting their soul from their body. I have a spirit companion who is indeed alive on another plane of existence, and projects his soul to our plane of existence to interact with me.
-I believe in the strand theory, that there are many (but not infinite) planes of existence that have branched off from eachother, each separated by single decisions made and events that unfolded.
-I believe in the soul as the true core of one's being, and that the soul can act as a storage for memories and feelings from past lives (which is how I explain my identity as otherkin, but that's nothing to get in to now) and project them on to your current life.
Put all of these beliefs together, along with being otherkin and transgender, and you get a pretty messy mix of specific criteria for a religion. Maybe my research has not been showing me something. Do you know of any religions or spiritual paths that allow for these kinds of beliefs?
Y'know, I would love an opt-out-of-being-otherkin button. It's not fun, it has never been, and really it's just been getting very problematic for me.
Dysphoria is a pain. Today's been a day of feeling depressed over every organic function of my vessel. On top of gender dysphoria, nothing about my vessel feels right by any means. It's an issue, to say the least - and downright unbearable, to say the most. I can't enjoy eating or drinking, those simple things remind me I'm an organic being, and that is always depressing.
Not to forget the memories. Nothing like making jokes about your own death just to prevent it from driving you insane. The memories have been bleeding in to my shifts, and they've turned... grotesque. I've been feeling the gash in my side, from when an angry human cut in to me, starting the chain of events that left me dead. I can feel the gash sparking and coolant dripping out from it. It doesn't hurt, but it's unnerving as hell and I keep instinctively trying to clean up the coolant I can feel spilling down my side. What does hurt, however, are the mangled wings. I can't fold them away, the metal is twisted, and it feels like they're hanging by a few wires at most. Worst of all is the feeling of overheating, and the feeling of the fluids bubbling and boiling away in my throat, smoke puffing from my mouth, and the hot liquid dribbling out of the corners of my mouth to melt the synthetic skin away under its trails.
And through all of it I feel empty. It's like my processing chip has lost grip on emotions and all I can do is analyze the situation and see that it's downright awful.
Sometimes, I have to admit, I truly hate my identity.
I fed one of my facets, and it's blown up in my face. He's taken to his own persona, as well as his own form. He seems about as happy to be his own as I am to have another being in my head, which isn't happy at all. He also seems angry at me for trying to collapse my system. My headspace is a mess right now, and neither him nor I are pleased with this.
His name is Almandine. He pushed me to name him, with the criteria that I name him after a gemstone as I named myself after jasper.
My messy mind created him, formed him to be this way, and now we're stuck as two unhappy headmates. Though, I think we're both afraid of merging back together again.
You might see me around every now and then. I plan to make the most out of this unfortunate circumstance. Almandine
I moved back on to my campus this morning and I'm so happy. I'm finally back where I belong. I'm back where people respect me. Where I can be myself, who I really am. On Tuesday my classes will start and I can get back to doing what I love. I feel at peace here.
So, a while ago I came to terms with being a spiritual gateway system after yet another walk-in. It wasn't hard to accept, and I am okay with it, though I do need to put up barriers and be a bit more picky with who I let in.All in all, this was an easy identity to accept; just another spiritually-based identity (based around outside spirits entering my headspace and such) to add to the little list.
However, I'm still coming to terms with being a system of a different type, and different origin entirely. I've talked to others about it and I don't think I can try to deny it anymore, as much as I would like to. I was not prepared for a system identity, let alone a psychologically-based one, but it seems my mental health has royally screwed me over on this.
One of the symptoms I experience is the need to fabricate personalities for myself to try and appeal to certain people. Inevitably, these false personalities would be forgotten as I'd move on to someone else. Needless to say, I have done that often and I feel that they stuck. I usually get multiple different urges about reacting to situations, widely contradictory to each other. I find myself explaining a lot of my experiences with "this side of me" and "that side of me". I feel like these are all different shards of me, and none of them really have names.
I really do feel like each of these shards has their own thought processes, separate from my own until they decide to share their thoughts with me, often in response to certain situations. They frequently contradict each other and give me ideas and urges that are anywhere from helpful to downright frightening, and they've only become a problem for me.
I was thrown off a bit by the psychological factors causing this phenomenon for me. This is the first psychologically-based identity for me that I discovered within this community, barring those few copinglinks I don't like to talk about, of course.
I’ve been questioning the possibility that I’m fictionkin for a significant amount of time now, but I feel really stubborn about it.
I really don’t think I could keep track of more than one kintype with my already confusing identity issues. I also just don’t think I have enough information to come to the conclusion. I’m basing this all off of a few phantom wings only differently shaped from the also mechanical phantom wings I get from my android kintype as well and unusual possessiveness over simulations I build of the character’s body pieces and such for cosplay.
I’ve identified WITH this character since the game came out, but I can’t ignore the aching desire to figure out if I identify AS him. I don’t want to use relating to the character as evidence since characters are meant to be relatable. But I can’t ignore it after the issues I had surrounding his body as well as the uncertainty of what could be simply ideas I had to fill the gaps before, between and after his in-game scenes and what could be kin memories if I really do identify as him.
I’ve been hung up on this for a while and it’s really bothering me. Part of me feels like I’m repressing it like I did to my android kintype for the past 5 years. And the other thinks I’m just jumping to conclusions and simply being absurd. *sigh*
I've never gotten this feeling before. I hadn't thought I would get species dysphoria, or that if I did it would get overshadowed by the gender dysphoria. But I'm feeling it so badly right now.
I hate being human. I can't stand it. Everything feels so physically wrong. I want to go back to my previous vessel.
I want my wings back. I want to go gliding again. I hate being grounded. I hate it so much. I desperately need my wings back. My back feels so bare without them, like something is missing.
I want my coding back. It was so much more functional than my human brain. If something was wrong, my coding would adapt, it would fix itself. I would be okay again in only a few nanoseconds. It was efficient. Now I have this awful meat brain riddled with mental health issues that's hurting me more than helping. I need me coding back. I need my motherboard back. I need my control system, my artificial intelligence. Because that artificial intelligence was a lot more intelligent than this awful non-functioning meat in my head with no stable sense of personality or identity.
I want to be able to repair myself again. I want to be able to remedy any pains that arise in my mechanical body. But I have this awful meat vessel that hurts, and aches, and overheats, and I can't do anything about it. I can't open myself up with a screwdriver or take a soldering iron to my body and fix anything.
It feels so intense tonight. It's almost sitting up there with my gender dysphoria on the crippling-emotional-pain-scale. If I could die and go back to my last body, my proper body, I would.
I hate this awful fleshbag my soul is piloting now. It hurts constantly and it's all wrong. I couldn't have even found one that was made the right gender from the start, now could I?
I did my best to order my Kin memories chronologically, but it was difficult as they would come to me out of order. I will try to keep it updated as new memories surface. A bit of warning for alcohol mentions and death towards the end, just to be safe.
-I remember emerging from stasis, hanging by wires in a glass tube of odd, orange liquid. The liquid drained and as its colour backed off, I could see the vibrant blue detailing on my black body, like a bodysuit that covered my whole body except for my hands, neck and head. After I was released from the tube, I went through a few days of assessment, making sure that all the basic information I needed was programmed in properly and testing my different body and wing functions. They determined I was ready and released me in to the field, dropping me off at a small and quaint house in suburbia. They gave me some colourful paper - I was told that it was money - and a journal. I was expected to keep a log of everything new I learned and every behavior I observed from the humans around me. They also told me never to let anyone see me out of disguise or with my wings unfolded, as the study would yield tainted results and the reaction of those around me could be… problematic.
-Humans are strange. They’re always busy. I remember going in to the city and being caught up in the crowd. I know from my programming that humans are physically capable of showing happiness through smiling, but I’m yet to see any human do such a thing. They’re an odd bunch, to say the least. At least they give me something to journal about, just enough to fulfill my objective.
-The neighborhood is sweet. I think they’re trying to make me feel welcome. I’ve seen smiles for the first time ever. Something still doesn’t feel right.
-I’m bored. I’m tired of journaling absolutely nothing but how busy everyone around me is. I’m spending more time in bed, staring at the walls, because the wallpaper is just about as interesting as the humans are.
-The city core is vibrant at night. More of the humans are asleep, and the ones that aren’t seem to be actually enjoying themselves instead of lost in business. There are groups of humans travelling together, laughing and smiling. I think they’re called friends. I wonder what that feels like.
-I met a friend today, I think. A neighbor came by to borrow some sugar. I’m not quite sure why I had said sugar, it would destroy my systems, but I was able to supply. She came in to the kitchen while I got some, and then I had zoned out to the point of dropping my guard. It was idiotic of me. She saw my eyes, without their cloaking. Panic made my circuits glow, and she tried to run. I didn’t want to make her feel trapped, but I couldn’t risk her running and telling the whole neighborhood. I beat her to the door, had to unfold my wings to keep her from slipping past me, which of course scared her more. It took some wrestling and restraining, but I got her to settle down. She actually… listened to me. It was strange. We talked for a few hours, and she went home smiling. I’m not sure what to make of that.
-We spent the afternoon in the park. She taught me to smile too. I still don’t understand, but I think I feel good.
-She’s so odd and it’s intriguing. She took me to the city last night. We were just like those groups of friends I’d see walking about the neon-lit city. We went to a few nightclubs. I hadn’t understood the appeal to nightclubs as they just seemed crowded with intoxicated humans. She said that had fun dancing though; I found the lights and music to be intriguing.
-The synthetic skin on my hands has been wearing down, I think the metal underneath can be seen. I could return to the facility to get myself repaired… but I don’t quite feel up to it. I’ll just put on some gloves instead. Problem solved.
Below there is a trigger warning for death and violent memories.
-Death is the most brutal memory to me. I hadn’t felt pain before, physical or emotional, and those few days I felt both. I was an idiot, a piece of insubordinate trash. Why did I take off my gloves in the city? Why did I let myself become so panicked that I lost my cloaking? Before I knew it, a mob had formed and was chasing after her and I. She didn’t deserve to be in this with me, she’s not the android. A flash of silver and I saw an angry human wielding a knife swing towards me. They cut me, slashed across my side. It hurt, but I needed to get her to safety. They continued to chase us up towards the roof of the building. She was ahead of me, and pushed the door at the top of the stairwell open. We were going to be trapped up there. I unfolded my wings and ran forwards, grabbing her and jumping off the building. If we escaped in the woods on the city outskirts we would be safe, hopefully. Unfortunately, my wings weren’t meant for the weight of an android and a human. All I could really do was pull her up against my chest, wrap my wings around her and try to keep her as shielded from the ground as possible. Impact hurt. When I came to, my wings were destroyed, a gruesome display of twisted metal. I couldn’t even fold them in to my back, they hung loosely and pathetically. I knew I would have to get back to the facility. I knew how to get there, but my lack of flight would be a problem. It would be days to walk. I told her to go home and get safe. She refused. So we headed out in the direction of my origin. It wasn’t long before the knife wound took a toll on me, and I came to realize a vital part of my cooling system was cut. I spent days slowly overheating to the point where she wasn’t able to be too close to me without burning, let alone touch me. My synthetic skin didn’t last long on the burning metal. It melted. God, watching her staring down at me was awful. She was watching her friend’s face literally melt away. I’m glad I couldn’t see it, barring the pale tan liquid that dripped on to my hands and the ground. Overheating was excruciating, and all I could do was watch her stare down at me in horror, until my vision turned to static.
-All I remember after that is travelling about in search of a new vessel to inhabit and live on as, and finding my current human body to merge in to.
The original post containing these questions can be found here!
What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)
Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?
Spiritual, multiverse and past life theory as the main ideas behind my beliefs.
When was your awakening (if you had one)?
My awakening has been a really... slow and rocky process that spanned about the past 5 years or so. I'm not sure it can really be counted as an awakening, since it was just a few years of slow learning, refusal, repression and a bit of shame.
If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?
Not quite... But I think what triggered me to search for accurate information on the community was finding out a friend is Otherkin and knowing I'd have someone who wasn't ashamed of me for my identity.
If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?
Like I said, about 5 years of repression and refusal.
If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?
Uncertainty, cluelessness, shame, anger, denial, all that sort of fun scattered through a number of years.
Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?
Yeah, it's been a few years since I started feeling my phantom wings, they were mainly what started my very slow awakening.
Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?
I only new about the tumblr side, which ingrained the idea of Otherkinity being simply for a cute aesthetic and attention, triggering the shame part of my awakening.
Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?
Yeah, somewhat. I knew I was some form of mechanism, or at least partially human with mechanical segments. It took a lot of digging through my memories to figure out I was a full android and disguised as a human.
If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?
I didn't really know what I could do to verify other than wait and try to bring forth my memories. So it was a major game of researching different types of robots and mechanical beings, as well as a while of waiting for enough memories to surface to figure out exactly who I was.
Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?
I don't quite think so, as I always knew I was a machine or semi-machine. There was a bit of a toss-up trying to figure out if I was an android or a cyborg, but that's about it.
Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
I don't quite think so. I can never tell between an involuntary shift and just a swing in my completely unstable personality. Ahh, that mentally ill life.
Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
Mental shifts tend to happen while I'm sifting through my memories. I fall back on the memories of my past life and tend to revert back to a very artificial personality while doing so. I often trigger them while consciously searching through memories, but then they get out of my control after that sometimes.
Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
My involuntary phantom shifts are sometimes just at random, while other times triggered by random feelings in my human body that would have meant trouble for my android body. Especially the sharp pains in my back that are caused by my family's history of bad bone health. If a sharp pain comes through in my back I unfold my mechanical wings on reflex just to make sure they aren't pinching or severing any wires.
Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
Voluntary phantom shifts are something I do often. It feels good to be able to unfold my wings and stretch them out. I find they shift and move in response to how I flex the muscles in my back and move my shoulder-blades.
Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?
If I have had a dream as my android self, I don't really remember it. I'm terrible at remembering my own dreams.
Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.
I also experience aura and sensory shifting. I have been working on seeing my aura for separate spiritual reasons, and when I do see it, forms in the shape of my wings often protrude out from the glow that surrounds my body. As for sensory shifting, those shifts are always voluntary and often a reaction to anxiety or a tense situation. I focus on having the senses of my android self, imagining my sight go red and little text boxes appearing to map out every item or area near me that may be useful or problematic.
What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?
It was mainly the memories that told me that I don't just love robots, I know what it is like to have lived as one.
To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?
I do see myself as currently human, but as an android on a more spiritual level. In my past life I was undeniably, physically and mentally an android, and now I'm hanging on to that life because it is important to me. I don't quite identify as human, I don't feel like I am quite one of the species, but I recognize that I am physically human and have no quarrel with that.
What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?
I once considered it was psychological, as a result of coping due to mental illness. Looking back, I think that was the excuse I used while still ashamed of my identity. Now that I've explored myself and understood my identity, I feel like this is very much a spiritual thing to me, bound around the movement of my soul as it traveled through time and space to eventually reach and create me as I am now.
Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.
I have so many memories that are painted vividly in my mind, some of which have sent me reeling from their intensity. I have memories of release, of being in a human crowd for the first time and viewing vivid colours and busy areas, the fear of being found out, the comfort of finally having someone listen to me and understand me, finally understanding why humans bothered making friends, all the way up to death. The memory of death struck me most intensely, creating a physical sense of overheating in a much less dangerous way then what ended my previous life.
Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?
Not often. I find the area my past self lived in was a very similar to a city I visit often, and basically call my home at this point. The suburban area where my past self's home sat is similar to the semi-city that my college campus is in, where I have easy access through one train to Toronto, a major city with a lot of the buildings, parks, hills, rivers, lakeshores and valleys I remember from my past life.
Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?
Again, mainly the semi-city I live in during college and the main city right near it make me feel connected. I also feel at home in the tunnels that run under my college campus which my program often uses to transport heavy set pieces and props between the two theatres. As for areas I felt disconnected, out in Alberta's prairies where a lot of my family lived. Flat ground bothers me like that. In the mountains it's not so bad.
Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?
I don't think so... My past self's body was very similar to a human's body so there isn't too much different other than the wings which were able to fold in to my back to hide anyways. I'm very glad about that, I'm a super dysphoric trans man, so if I had another type of dysphoria getting to me I'd probably snap.
Do you have any behaviours or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?
Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?
Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?
I have trouble with these three. I have a personality disorder and keeping track of what personality traits are actually mine and which are fabricated by my mental illness is difficult. Adding in another factor is stressing me out.
Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?
I don't think so, again...? Well, there is the severe repulsion to seeing destroyed machines. I have trouble watching action movies for the reasons of car-murder as I call it. Same goes for movies where the antagonist has a lot of robot soldiers and such.
Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?
I think my kintype has allowed me to sympathize a lot more with synthetic beings, so seeing them destroyed a lot in media is very off-putting to me, much worse than human violence.
Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?
I think it's more neutral, as it's had it's ups and downs. Between invasive memories, shame from anti-Otherkin stigma, and the feeling of finally understanding and being comfortable with who I am, there have been positives and negatives.
Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?
Yeah, sometimes I do. Probably something less rare and more easy to find others who identify as the same species I do. Sometimes I wish I could be a wolf or a dragon.
Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!
I think so! I can't think of any more to add.