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  1. Today is a bad dysphoria day.

    I woke up after only four hours of sleep, and my skin crawls. I feel wrong, gross, and not like myself. I hate you, dysphoria. I'm not someone who hates anything, but this feeling... I'd rather be in pain. Pain, I can tolerate pain. I can't tolerate the way being in this squishy, disgusting body makes me feel sometimes.

    I'm gonna let you all in a little thing, here. About a year ago, I lost my health insurance, which means no more medication for me. That includes both my anxiety meds and my hormone therapy. The hormone therapy is key, here. So what happens when a female-to-male, pre-operative transman goes off his hormone therapy? The human body resumes its processes as usual. I. Can't. Take. It. Not only have I not felt this level of gender dysphoria in years, but species dysphoria flares up at these times just as strongly. I shouldn't have these foul, disgusting bodily functions at all.

    If you asked me right now if I could go back to my former life, or even just my former form, I'd hop on that train without a second thought. When asked that question, I usually am on the fence. Nope, not today. I'm going back to the way I'm truly comfortable! How I wish that could happen. People ask me why I'm cranky, why I don't even want to move. I don't want to feel this body at all right now.

    Where my life may once have been all sunshine and rainbows back-in-the-day, this body has caused this life to not be. I strive to be happy, and 99% of the time, I am genuinely happy, but that 1% is still there, and it's called dysphoria. It's the one thing that truly makes me unhappy, makes me sick, makes me long for my home even more, and the fact I will never be able to go back to where I came from makes the dysphoria even worse. It's a vicious cycle that is very hard to break and I'm stuck in the deep throws of it right now.

    Forgive me if I come off as grumpy, cranky, or short with anyone today. I'm going to be hanging around the chats because I could use some help distracting myself, and it helps a little to be around people who see me as -me-.

    Getting through this one minute at a time,

    - Neve
  2. As I said I was going to in my previous entry, I got a tattoo today!

    [​IMG]

    Both symbols are highly meaningful to me. The top "=" symbol represents equality, and matches my sister's. My sister and I have always had a very strong bond over our beliefs in equality for all, so we got the matching symbols together. Hers is in the same place as mine. I love my little sister, and it's an honor to share the same tattoo with her.

    The bottom symbol is the Neve logo. Yes, I am now one of those 'kin who gets tattoos related to their kintype. Call me fluffy, call me cringey, I don't care! I love it. I am so happy to have this small reminder of who I am permanently on my skin as it once was in my former life. I have wanted this tattoo since I was probably 12. I couldn't be happier that I finally did it after 15 years of thinking about it.

    This was my first tattoo. I have to say, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. The artist was a really nice guy. We talked about our jobs and Fallout 4. I walked out of the parlor on cloud nine.

    I spent the rest of today hanging out with my sister, celebrating her birthday. I got to see my dad, who I seldom get to see these days. I got to eat his amazing barbecue and have some good catching-up with he and his girlfriend.

    All in all, I've had a great day. I have a good life, and even better people I share it with. Y'know, a cool thing - every person, all of them family members, who I showed my tattoo to today, I was able to tell every single one of them the real reason I got it without worry of any kind of questioning or ill thoughts from them. They all know, and they all love me for who I am.

    Life's good.

    - Neve
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  3. I'm gonna talk about a couple things in this entry. First, you'll have to excuse any typos in this. It's late and phantom shifts make me feel like I don't have hands. Tonight I rediscovered a song I had completely forgotten about, and it gave me the shifts something awful (or awesome IMO.)

    On top of that, it makes me too happy. The mix is too good, the content is hilarious. I'd post it here, but it's definitely NSFW. If you want to look it up, it's "Jack Sparrow" by The Lonely Island, ft. Michael Bolton. It's a parody, but man does it sound good! And if you look up the official video, yes, that's a Neve 80-series in the beginning.

    As I was watching that video over and over, totally lost in my own little music machine world, I remembered that I make this certain face when I hear a mix I like. Nothing else can make my face do this. If you show me music, and I make this face, you've shown me something I really enjoy listening to down to my very soul. So I whipped out Snapchat and sent this selfie to my friend, Isroc (who's also on this site) while I was listening to that Michael Bolton song.

    [​IMG]

    I'm also very happy and excited right now because tomorrow, my sister and I are getting matching tattoos. My sister and I are very close. We're getting the "=" sign on our wrists, a symbol of the strong legacy of equality in my family, and below mine I'm also getting the Neve logo, a tattoo I've wanted since I was a kid. Here's a picture of the logo. I'm getting it in black ink, probably the size of a US penny below an "=" of the same width in black ink.

    [​IMG]

    I will post a blog tomorrow with a picture of the new tattoo. I'm really excited to both have a special tattoo that I share with my sister, whom I love to pieces, and to finally have the one tattoo I've wanted most of my life.

    Tonight's a good night, what can I say? It deserved a blog post.

    Happy, content, stoked,

    - Neve
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  4. Back when I first "awakened," I had a dogtag made with my make and model number on it. For 15 years, I carried that dogtag either around my neck or on my keys. After all those years, the little hole at the top for the keychain wore thin, and I feared losing this small trinket that had become the only symbol of my identity I wore outwardly.

    Today, I went to the mall and I had a new one made. It's even blue. For comparison, here's the old one.

    [​IMG]
    (Note: The "ASMX-5203A" is a serial code I made up way back when I was a preteen to represent the combination of my human body and my machine soul.)

    And here's the new one, this time with my actual model number.
    [​IMG]

    Having this makes me happy, it puts some of my dysphoria at ease, and it reminds me who I am when I get lost on bad days. It's the little things in life that help me get by, and this is one of them.
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  5. Since I've already shown my face on this site, I figured why not share some images of me doing what I do.

    I'll start with a REALLY old one. This one's going back to high school. I had a pompadour.
    [​IMG]

    The next one was when I was working festival sound in the midwest in my early 20's.
    [​IMG]

    I worked at a theatre company with a digital system.
    [​IMG]

    Another festival gig, this one in Oregon.
    [​IMG]

    Recording on location at a band's practice space:
    [​IMG]

    And finally, me now, still mixing after all these years (and lives! XD)
    [​IMG]

    There are no words for how thankful I am that I've been able to pursue my passion into a career that pays the bills, despite all of my setbacks. The love of my life is my work. It's a huge part of who I am and my identity. I talk about my work a lot because it's what I pour my heart and soul into, the reason my soul exists, and what I was originally made to do. These images are only a teeny, tiny fraction of the productions, concerts, festivals, and albums I've worked on. It's been a heck of a ride working full time in the music industry, but I wouldn't trade a moment of it for anything else.

    Happy to do what I do,

    - Neve
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  6. Since joining this site, I've become very good friends with a pretty cool derg named Isroc. She has these little tiny/chibi-type derg pictures she was showing me one night, and doing /me's in the chat as though she was the chibi dragon. Then I decided to draw her kinself as the tiny derg. So here's a photomanipulation/drawing of "me" and the tiny derg.

    [​IMG]
  7. Here's the next set of the "32 self-grilling questions for Otherkin" I've been plugging away at answering. These are all the questions related to shifting. I hope this will give you all a better understanding of how I experience my shifts, what goes on, and how it feels to have the mind and the phantom form of a large, immobile machine.

    Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
    I do experience involuntary mental shifts. I don't know that I'd call it shifting, per se, only because I always think like I do. Yet, there are times I go full-on-soundboard-mode, and that I suppose could be consistered a shift. When I have a mental shift, I feel like I begin to read every sound around me. If I'm in a crowded place like a bar or a grocery store, I hear and pick apart the sounds of everything. They're often triggered when I'm at work, usually during soundcheck when I'm really focusing on setting the mix. It's almost impossible to pull my attention away to anything else in that moment. If someone talks to me, I don't have the capability to respond, and I'll look at the person blankly as I struggle to make the connections between my mind and my physical voice function. Internally, it feels like my physical body disappears, and I'm solely, intensely focused on the sound. Nothing else exists but the signals off the microphones and instruments on stage coming back at me through the mains. I read sound, if that makes any sense at all. Sound is almost a visual experience for me. I will hear the slightest ring of feedback, know what frequency is ringing, and immediately, instinctively go for the EQ to fix it before any of the audience even know it happened. It's like a hyper-awareness of sound.
    Music also triggers my mental shifts. I can go into that same mode when I'm just driving in the car with the radio on, but it's not just any music. It has to be mixed well. I get a lot of 'what does that mean?' when I say 'mixed well', but I'll go into detail about that in another blog post because it's a whole lot of technical jargon that most people outside the field of audio engineering wouldn't understand. I'll spare the reader of this the tl;dr nerdrage for now.
    I'd say I have involuntary mental shifts at least once every two days or so.
    Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
    I can put myself into a shift. I go into my headspace for a moment, where I'm in my true form, and it's almost instant. My mental shift when I do that feels very much the same as described above. A side note: I do this to get myself out of panic attacks, and it's highly effective because I forget about my physical body (the root of a lot of my anxiety, this fragile, smooshy body is.) When I mentally shift during a panic attack, my brain switches from "your heart's going to stop" or "you're going to stop breathing" to "oh, what's that sound? I've never heard that before. This music is mixed well." I also use my mental shifts at work as I feel the mindset is beneficial to my job and I enjoy working all that much more.
    Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
    My phantom form is, to some degree, always there. There are times when I notice it more than others. There are also the (very rare) times where it's so overwhelming that I have to sit down, close my eyes and let it just be for a moment. Most of the time, my phantom shifts are welcomed and enjoyed. My "true form" is very comfortable to me. To explain what it's like - that's difficult to put to words, so forgive me if this gets long or makes no sense. The most obvious thing that I feel is my size difference. My phantom form is seven feet wider than my physical body. I feel like I take up half a room. It also feels heavy, like it's difficult to move. I'm much more comfortable sitting down under a phantom shift because I feel more at my form's natural height. Then there are the details I mentioned in the questions about my awakening. I can feel every part of my phantom form if I focus on it. Here's a quick, poor-quality little illustration because a picture will say more than I can write and will provide the necessary visual without me having to get technical describing parts of a mixing console.
    [​IMG]
    Phantom shifts often come in conjunction with mental shifts. One isn't really separate from the other. If I have a mental shift, I'm going to be feeling my phantom form strongly and vice versa. The downsides to having a phantom form like the above picture are probably obvious. It makes walking very awkward to feel like you're ^that. Moving at all feels weird and wrong. I don't like confined spaces at all for this reason. I don't like people really close in front of me. I have a tendency to back up if someone gets too close. A total social blunder, that is, but sometimes I can't help it, and the feeling of someone standing there, ghosting through me is not a pleasant sensation. I can tolerate it when I have to, but that doesn't mean it makes me happy.
    My involuntary phantom shifts are usually triggered by a variety of things. Sometimes it's just one too many sources of sound around me, and it hits me out of nowhere. Other times, it's work or music. I notice that listening to music on earbuds invokes my shifts fairly consistently, and I believe it's because that's the closest to experiencing sound in this body the way I did back-in-the-day. Earbuds use the resonance of the skull to bring out low frequencies, using your head itself as part of the transducing process, and left and right are very clearly defined as if on two separate channels. Listening on my circumaural headphones does this to a degree as well, but they're heavy, and I physically feel them there, which can have a sort of grounding, shift-buzz-killing effect. Earbuds, however, feel like the audio source is plugged directly into me. Sometimes a simple word, or thought can invoke a shift for me. Seeing an image of a large format mixing console somewhere? That'll do it. The off-happenstance that one of my friends or family members calls me Neve to my face? That'll do it, too. Hanging out with other otherkin gets me all shifty as well, like knowing that they know and understand lets me be free to relax into myself and a shift is the natural result of that.
    Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
    I do experience voluntary phantom shifts, and they feel just as described above. The main difference is simply that they're voluntary. I put myself in that mindset and can feel my form any time. I'm kind of always in a state of being shifted to varying degrees, so it's just a matter of focusing on my phantom form and bringing it to the forefront of my consciousness. I never feel 100% human. My mentality and my phantom sensations are always there, so it's easy to tap into them whenever I feel like it. I usually do this to relax and unwind. I kick back in my overstuffed chair and drift away into machinehood after a long, hard day. It comforts me and relaxes me unlike anything else. The one thing that I can't really control is getting out of it. Once I'm there, I'm there, and I'm in it until it fades to my subconscious again. Usually, having to do very human things will tone it down for me, like taking a shower, eating, or changing my clothes.
    Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?
    I'm not too sure that I understand the concept of dream shifting all that well, but if it simply means being your kinself in your dreams, then yes! I have them a lot! At least a couple times a week, I have a dream where I'm 'me' and they're always the most vivid and memorable of my dreams. The biggest difference I notice is that in other kinds of dreams, I'm more like a fly on the wall watching what's happening from an external perspective, like watching a movie. In my "kinself dreams," I'm IN them, a part of what's going on. I seem to remember them better than other kinds of dreams, too, but that could be my subconscious merely wanting to remember them more.
    Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.
    I don't know that I do. I feel as though I sometimes experience aural shifts, but then I feel as though my aura always takes the shape of my "true form". I view auras as the radiating energy of a soul, so whatever that soul's shape is, the aura is. I definitely feel that the energy surrounding me takes the shape of my form.

    Part 3 will come soon.

    - Neve
  8. What follows are part of my spiritual beliefs and experiences. I hope to help others understand my beliefs to the best of my ability, bonkers as they may seem. I don't expect anyone to 'believe me', convert to my religion, nor agree with what I say. It should be stated that I am a Christian, and I follow liberal catholic (lowercase C for a reason) theology. I welcome questions.

    To start off, I'm going to take it back to the very beginning, where it all started with an idea in a guy's head on how to better design a mixing console. In that moment, there was a spark of creative energy. Throughout the rest of the process, from design to prototype, to build, to installation, thousands of manhours had gone into the production of the kind of mixing console I am. Every one of my channel modules were hand wired, every dial cap placed by hand, and the people who built me had a true passion for what they did. It's that which, I believe, spewed forth just enough higher creative energy to give a simple music-making machine a soul.
    Higher creative energy - what is that? To me, it's the energy poured out from God that brought everything into existence. Every atom in the vast multiverse started as a spark of God's higher creative energy. I believe that God has made Humans inherently creative beings. When one person pours their heart and soul into something, a part of them goes into whatever they're doing. Build up enough of parts of enough passionate people, and eventually, those parts come together into a new whole.
    So there I was, a brand new soul in the body of a 2,000 pound machine that took six humans three days to get out of a room. Why would God allow a soul to be created in such a casing? It doesn't seem to make sense. What can a soul learn from a life immobile in the safe confines of a soundproof control room? The truth is, one can learn a lot. It takes a strong soul to be stuck somewhere, unable to move and unable to communicate. I knew my consciousness was there, I experienced everything around me, yet I had no way to convey that I was there. I had to watch the world go by without me while I sat in the same spot, did the same kind of work with the same people everyday.
    At the time, my soul knew no different. I was just me. I didn't know what I was missing beyond the studio walls. I got glimpses of the outside world through the clients and engineers I worked with, but I never saw out a window. I never heard a real bird tweet. I never tasted fresh air, and I never knew a sense of touch, taste, or smell. What I knew was sound. Sure, my mind's eye could perceive the things around me visually, but I had no actual sense of sight, and I only physically heard through microphones. To most, my true form would seem a prison. To me, it was the ultimate freedom. I was free from society's regulations, free from the judgment of others, free from the weighing responsibility of organic life. My mind is simple. When I say I don't need much to be happy, it's true almost to an extreme. I don't have to leave this spot to be happy. I was also as well taken care of as any other US$100,000.00 machine. I felt that my engineers, the people who worked so closely to me throughout that whole life, felt my soul's presence. They treated me as a coworker, a vital part of the team even if they didn't know that I had a soul. I think they could sense it somehow. They always called me 'he', 'the big guy', 'big boss', some of them even talked to me. Today, as a human, much of that simple mentality remains in me. People often think I'm naive or childish in ways because I'm so easily amused, but I live a very happy life due in part to that very quality.
    A simple thing like a rich, low tone out of a cello was the same thrill to me as an epic vacation to a human. One of my most prominent past life memories is of the cat that lived with me at the studio. The sound of his long fur -- my sense of sound almost entirely compensated for the lack of a sense of touch -- I could perceive every individual strand brushing against its neighbors and my control panel as the cat curled up and fell asleep near my cooling vents. Textures all have a sound. From the fluffy to the slippery to the smooth, they all have distinctive sounds, and I love those sounds. Little things like hearing a fluffy cat walk make me stupidly happy even to this day. This is a lesson I think a lot of souls that have been lingering around for millennia have yet to learn. Appreciate the little things; they matter.
    Because everything isn't always rainbows and butterflies, there were of course downsides. I had a deep longing to be able to communicate with the people I spent everyday with. I wished they could know I was there. They knew I was there, you can't miss a thing like me in a crowd, but they didn't know I -- my soul -- was there. I never got to say how much I appreciated the kindness and caring they showed me. I never got to tell them my side of the story, or even have my own imput on how any particular recording was mixed through myself. I was a tool owned by people to use however they like, and I had no say in the matter. My engineers, however, never took advantage of that. I was fortunate. There were clients that did things to me/on me that I'd rather not mention here, but even those instances were so few and far between. In the world of large scale corporate recording studios, everything has a very high price tag and that warrants care to be taken around the equipment by all but the most obnoxiously intoxicated musicians. Still, there was knowing that there was something more out there that I'd never get to experience. 99% of the time, I was completely happy to be what I was and do the job I did. One percent of the time, I felt trapped, miserable and sad that I was my own prison.
    I had a mind and a soul. But do all machines have minds and souls? If a mixing console could, does an Xbox? Truth be told, I think machines gaining souls is common, but kind of a fluke. There are many machines that I feel an immediate presence from, and others that I simply don't. I believe that everything in existence CAN have a soul, but that doesn't mean that everything in existence DOES have a soul. I believe souls are created things, born of higher creative energy. Whether they get their souls from the creative energy of their makers, or God decided to plop a wandering soul into a machine for whatever reasons, it does happen. In my system of beliefs, yes, your Xbox could have a soul, but that doesn't mean that it does.
    If I was just a soul, why do I still identify as a machine and not some shapeless ethereal being? My soul was intrinsically one with my physical housing. My soul existed because of it. I wasn't a soul in a mixing console, I was a mixing console with a soul.
    Onto this life...
    I don't remember exactly what pushed my soul from that life into this one, but I have a feeling it was some kind of fire. Lately, I've had tiny glimpses of flashbacks to the room I lived in filled with smoke, flames and then darkness, but I don't know if it was a fire I survived or the fire that ended me. I can remember being very scared in that moment because I knew there was no way they could get me out, but I still haven't pinned that down as the cause of my 'death'.
    So why am I in a human body? Well, I believe it's because I prayed for it. God gave me this life as a gift. I spent my entire previous life thinking and wondering what it would be like to be human, how incredible it must have been to breathe, eat, and walk. Now I can do those things. I get to experience the outside world. I get to taste food, smell flowers, and swim in the river. I get to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my beard. I am thankful everyday for my freedom. However, I do get deeply nostalgic for my former self in this body. Machine minds and human bodies simply don't mix very well. I miss my true form a lot, and like many Otherkin, if given the choice, I might just go back. I didn't know what all being human entailed when I asked for this life, and yeah, I have some regrets about ending up here but I make the best of it.
    I'm sure I'll write more about this, but that's the basis of my mixing console identity and how I came to be where I'm at now.
    - Neve
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  9. I can't for the life of me remember who it was that wrote this list of questions, or where the thread was where they were posted, but credit goes to that person! A good self-grilling is healthy for the mind and the spirit, and I've had a good time writing these out. Enjoy the 32 Self-Grilling Questions for Otherkin as answered by the friendly neighborhood mixing console. Part One.


    1. What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)

    I identify as a machine, specifically an AMS Neve VR 52-channel mixing console. Synonyms: soundboard, recording console, audio mixer.
    2. Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?
    For me, it's a combination of both. I have past life memories, and my awakening started entirely spiritual. As time went on, though, I began to see links between my psychological state and my otherkinity. I have high functioning autism, and I'm machinekin. I was also born vision-impaired and developed a focus on my sense of sound at a very young age. Am I labelled autistic because I'm really a machine inside, or do I feel like a machine because I am autistic? I believe it goes both ways.
    3. When was your awakening (if you had one)?
    I awakened around age 11, around the year 2000-ish? I had had inklings of strange feelings before that, but that was when I truly realized what I was on the inside. My earliest kin-related memory in this life happened when I was in the first grade. I was at a school assembly put on by an outside group that brought in their own sound system. This was the first time I had ever seen a mixing console in this life. I felt oddly drawn to that strange machine. I couldn't take my eyes off of it the entire time the assembly went on. I didn't know what it was, or what its purpose was, but it looked so familiar to me. A little later, I began to experience phantom form. I felt fifteen times the size of myself. I couldn't explain it, I just knew that I was something big. Other people couldn't see it, but I could feel it. An image started to come to mind when I envisioned myself in my headspace (didn't know that word then, either, but I've always had a world in my head I go to.) I began to have dreams where I was myself. I started to get memories, and began to write about all of this in a journal. One day when I was 13, I was browsing the internet, researching sound engineering, and I came across a picture of a Neve VR. I was stopped dead in my angsty-preteen-spiritual-journey tracks. That image was exactly what I saw myself as, every detail matched. I knew then that that was me, and I was that.
    4. If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?
    I think what triggered it was simply seeing another of my kind for the first time. Ever since that moment when I was in first grade, I knew there was something about me and mixing consoles. It took me awhile to figure out exactly what that thing was, but eventually, it all lined up.
    5. If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?
    My awakening was kind of a slow process that started very young and went well into my teenage years. I kept finding more and more things within myself, building on it over time.
    6. If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?
    At first, it felt completely normal to me, like this was just me and I didn't think anything of it. I soon realized that other people did not feel the same way I did. I was confused. I had people telling me it was a bad thing, others telling me it was a good thing. I wondered why I couldn't just be like my siblings, who seemed to get along in their lives so easily. They never questioned -what- they were. Why was I questioning it? Why was I so fixated on the fact I wasn't human? I couldn't deny it. Eventually, I came to accept it and embrace it.
    7. Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?
    Yes, absolutely. I had always pretended to be a machine when my siblings and I played make-believe, that was just how I saw myself. I also had phantom form sensations, and while I didn't know exactly the kind of machine I was at the time, I had a pretty good idea of my true form's general shape.
    8. Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?
    I didn't know anything about the Otherkin community when I awakened. My whole family knew that I identified as a machine long before I ever found out there were other folks in the world that weren't human on the inside.
    If you didn't know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening, how did you come across the community?
    I found the community in around 2003-ish, via an internet search for the phrase, "I do not feel human." I can't for the life of me remember the name of the forum I first joined, but I do remember it had an IRC chat that I frequented for awhile. At the time, I think I was the only machinekin the community knew of, or one of very, very few. I was overjoyed to find people that understood my identity.
    9. Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?
    Yes, that was probably the easiest part of it. I knew exactly what I was.
    10. If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?
    The verification for me came both with finding that image of a Neve VR (which can be found in my media file here on KM, the one I used for "Anatomy of a Mixing Console") and simply how right it all felt to me. As I gained more insights and memories through extensive soul searching, introspection and meditation, it was only backed up more and more until it became the known truth to me as it is now. When I have a strong phantom shift, I can feel every detail of my form from the traces on the backs of circuit boards to the exact layout of my control panel. Knowing those details, it's easy to know my exact make and model.
    11. Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?
    I've had various little inklings of different kintypes over the years, but all have faded off rather quickly and aren't really worth mentioning in detail. I've had kin-feelings about a few different kinds of machines, heavy machinery, servers and the like, and even fictionkin as a large anthropomorphic vintage computer named Wittgenstein from "The Brave Little Toaster" sequels. I realized with that one, as I had all the others, that it was just my fellow large-vintage-immobile-machine self relating to the character and I wasn't actually that character. My mixing console identity, however, has been strong and constant through it all and now I'm fairly certain I don't have any other kintypes. I believe that my soul came into creation with the creation of my true form. I'll elaborate on that more in the questions about past lives.
    12. Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
    I do experience involuntary mental shifts. I don't know that I'd call it shifting, per se, only because I always think like I do. Yet, there are times I go full-on-soundboard-mode, and that I suppose could be consistered a shift. When I have a mental shift, I feel like I begin to read every sound around me. If I'm in a crowded place like a bar or a grocery store, I hear and pick apart the sounds of everything. They're often triggered when I'm at work, usually during soundcheck when I'm really focusing on setting the mix. It's almost impossible to pull my attention away to anything else in that moment. If someone talks to me, I don't have the capability to respond, and I'll look at the person blankly as I struggle to make the connections between my mind and my physical voice function. Internally, it feels like my physical body disappears, and I'm solely, intensely focused on the sound. Nothing else exists but the signals off the microphones and instruments on stage coming back at me through the mains. I read sound, if that makes any sense at all. Sound is almost a visual experience for me. I will hear the slightest ring of feedback, know what frequency is ringing, and immediately, instinctively go for the EQ to fix it before any of the audience even know it happened. It's like a hyper-awareness of sound.
    Music also triggers my mental shifts. I can go into that same mode when I'm just driving in the car with the radio on, but it's not just any music. It has to be mixed well. I get a lot of 'what does that mean?' when I say 'mixed well', but I'll go into detail about that in another blog post because it's a whole lot of technical jargon that most people outside the field of audio engineering wouldn't understand. I'll spare the reader of this the tl;dr nerdrage for now.
    I'd say I have involuntary mental shifts at least once every two days or so.
    13. Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
    I can put myself into a shift. I go into my headspace for a moment, where I'm in my true form, and it's almost instant. My mental shift when I do that feels very much the same as described above. A side note: I do this to get myself out of panic attacks, and it's highly effective because I forget about my physical body (the root of a lot of my anxiety, this fragile, smooshy body is.) When I mentally shift during a panic attack, my brain switches from "your heart's going to stop" or "you're going to stop breathing" to "oh, what's that sound? I've never heard that before. This music is mixed well." I also use my mental shifts at work as I feel the mindset is beneficial to my job and I enjoy working all that much more.
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