Separate names with a comma.
My identity right now?
Right now my identity would mostly fall under bigenital androgyne, strange? Most definately. As I have found its also has very little presence, there are few things about them, but I hope that is changing since word is slowly spreading about it.
Why it took me so long?
I have always had the personality and mindset to do everything in my power to be the least problem, make the least hassle, cause the least stress, etc. So when it seemed like questioning more controversial parts of my identity it was met with a very blown out of proportion reaction from my parents that had me tossing the questioning aside and just be female, like I'm 'supposed' to be, so I don't cause more trouble for my family. I never really thought about it after that, but I sure wasn't happy about how I looked; I saw too many male characteristics in my face to feel a pretty female and it made me depressed to some degree. I took up shadow working about a year or so ago, and it focuses on working out issues you have stemming from your past, yourself, and etc so that you can accept things and be happier. It eventually worked its way to that point where I shut and locked the door on discovering that part of myself, and forgot about it. Coming to realize this was something I needed to explore and let happen both for my mental and emotional health, but physical health as well; I've started taking how I think of myself mentally and making efforts bring it out into the physical world, and its been a great experience!
What is my identity?
Bigenital is feeling like you should have both male and female genitalia, the feeling that you should've been born intersex, but even if you go through surgery to obtain both genitalia it doesn't make you intersex.
Androgyne is much like the word its derived from (androgyny/androgynous) its feeling like you have a much of feminine and masculine characteristics; its possible to be more feminine, masculine, balanced, or even neither. Something that many get confused is you don't have to be androgynous to be androgyne, androgyny is not needed.
This has been yet another piece of who I am falling into place, and while my non-human identity isn't broadcasted to everyone all the time, it still is very tangled in every other aspect of my identity. Being this type merfolk fae IS me; it wasn't just a past life, its more like I was plucked from that life and put here. I believe that I will go back to that life, not in the sense of reliving it but as going back to that place, and that I need to quit looking for a reason why I'm here and just live this life with the intent of enjoying what I can since I'm starting to let myself. Nyht
Note: I do not support the trend of eating stuff like stones, gems, crystals, etc. unless you truly know what you are doing (a.k.a. A professional)
A while back there was a debate about the fad of gem eating dragons, and one of the biggest counter arguments was 'there is no living thing that can eat rocks', but what if there is? Sea urchins, that's right, the little balls of needles that are dangerous to step on can and do eat rock; there are several species that eat rock.
How do they manage to chew through rock? Scientists have found their teeth are made of mineral crystals held together by calcium! Not only does it give them teeth hard enough to bite through rock, but the calcium also gives the teeth natural weak points to break across so that they always have sharp edges as they constantly grow! A key thing to remember is they don't get any nutritional value from the rock they eat, some of the minerals no doubt go to making their teeth, but they do so to make homes. Now what does this have to do with the gem eating dragons? Well, I had tried to put forth a potential explanation for this, but not being a dragon I wasn't taken seriously; my explanation was that dragons that ate gems, rocks, crystals, and etc. to create armor-like scales in the same way the sea urchins use mineral crystals to make their teeth.
The Sea Animal So Tough It Eats Rocks For Breakfast | Saltwater Science | Learn Science at Scitable
Rock-Chewing Sea Urchins Have Self-Sharpening Teeth Nyht
Note: I have included fewer sources then I'd normally use, but the more I read the less I grasped and the more head head pounded. This isn't going to be a simple problem, and will take a lot of time.
There has been a lot of head way for the lbgtqa community, for recognizing that the world isn't dry cut male and female; rights for gays, lesbians, and trans have been huge leaps! Something I've started seeing and thinking about is people rallying against the feminists and SJWs, which have been growing, all say there are 2 genders, and it seems they are pushing against the sheer amount of extremely out there and confusing gender claims at the expense of serious gender claims. Its hard enough for the average person to understand and accept gender identities that fall outside of the conventional male and female when there is 15 identities that describe identities that are so similar its near impossible to figure which is which, but add in people that tag on identity labels to seem the most oppressed and victimized that don't even truly identify with half of the labels they claim and you end up with the growing population against them turning away everything they use to cry out 'victim' at the expense of the serious people within that label. On one side I see people talk about the differences in the terms of sex and gender and gender identity, and on the other I see people that are so tired of hearing the professional victims whine and complain about oppression and unfairness they write off the labels without looking for serious people in that label. I'm questioning an identity that doesn't have a lot of presence its considered a non-binary identity, and while I'm not offended or upset about this I am worried that the backlash from the overly aggressive and vocal feminists and SJWs will erase the headway made on getting people to accept gender identity.
What is the difference between sex and gender? Well this article ( Sex And Gender: What Is The Difference? ) says that the words were interchangeable in the past and that the separation of the words are a recent development, and that sex refers to the physical genitalia of the person , gender is a social construct that encompasses gender roles and identities, and gender identity is a person's internal sense being male or female. This article ( Sex Difference vs. Gender Difference? Oh, I'm So Confused! ) states that sex and gender is a lot more complicated to separate, and that some things we think is gender (or cultural) differences is actually linked to sexual (or genetic) differences in the future. This one ( What is the difference between sex and gender? ) again says sex is the physical traits of the body where as gender is the cultural/social structure. This piece ( https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/sexuality-definitions.pdf ) also says gender is social/cultural based, gender identity is how one feels about their self, and sex is based on the physical characteristics; this one says the same with other controversial topics ( WHO | What do we mean by "sex" and "gender"? ). Then you have this ( Feminist Perspectives on Sex and Gender (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy) ) which talks about this stemming from psychologists in the 60s when studying transsexuality and feminists grabbed it and ran with it, but that it doesn't make sense to separate gender and sex (or at least that's what I got from it). I'm really unsure of what to think on the subject, if its as simple as coming up with another term to take the place of gender then I would be ok with that, but if its stating that both genetic and mental differences between males and females are a complicated mix of physical and social constructs that is being over simplified then I don't really know where to begin my continued examination of myself. Nyht
I've made an entry about spiritual multiple systems, or spirit houses, that explained the possibility of why some systems would have spiritual sources (its not up to par to how I used to make such informative entries but it is difficult to find only sources for more obscure topics), but not about my own. I come to realize that I could fall under the definition of being multiple some time ago while on here, and at that time it was just me and Flatline. Currently the headspace is up to four with myself and Flatline included, there is Mistress who is a sex demon/sanguine vampire hybrid, and a possible fictive; though it seems like it will only be Flatline and I taking part on here. We have been working with trust building so that its easier for me to give up front and left someone else have control, and its been a great experience for the most part with only one negative experience where we accidentally scared a friend.
If the either two show any interest in taking part on here then I'll add them to the multiple function here, but until then I'm not going to bother with it. Nyht
Even in my absence I've been analyzing my non-human experiences and looking for things that better encompass what I am, and yet what I was using before going inactive is still the best option. I'm experiencing some new phantom limbs, but everything else has remained stable.
Recap on what I am:
A being that lives in brackish or salty water, sharing many characteristics with the lionfish species and potentially koi, and humanoid from the hips up minus the lack of hair and slightly altered facial structure. I'm currently on the fence of what I looked like, but I can say that I am a somewhere between white and cream with large vertical blue stripes. I have four to six spines on the outside of each forearm that measure several inches when standing, as well as two rows of five or six along either side of my back from shoulders to lower back, and one on each side of my tail close to the tail fin. I have a crest fin on my head in the same fashion of a mohawk, going down the center of my back, two along the top of my hips in a 'skirt' fashion, on my upper arms, and right above the lower spines on the tail, though I am unsure of what they look like as of now. I do not have scales but skin like that of seals, whales, dolphins, ect, with thin line of bioluminescence, and webbing between my fingers. Nyht
I've seen a lot of stuff that talks about multiple systems as a mental thing, not necessarily that its a mental illness or stems from mental illness but that it was of a mental nature, and when someone asks about multiple systems that the headmates were of a spiritual nature the general reply was that such things weren't accepted by the multiple system community in general. They were saying that its perfectly normal for well balanced individuals to become a multiple as much as someone that has a trauma or mental illness that can cause it, but if you and them felt they were spiritual and not mental then it wasn't the same. This got me into looking, if its questionable at best to be a multiple system because of spiritual means then what would that be called and is there historical records of it? I still don't know how common or accepted it is to the bigger community to have spiritual multiples or multiple that have some headmates that are spiritual, but I felt that there was no harm in looking for something that would better fit for this arrangement. That's when I stumbled on a post on tumblr about a artifacts that seem to suggest the belief that the 'shaman' of the civilization had spirits that inhabited their body along with their own soul; they could control part of the body or be in control of the whole body when given permisson of the 'shaman', and were able to be sent out by the shaman to visit illness and tragedy to other people or even entire tribes.
While these artifacts themselves don't have definitive explanations, while some say its a shaman with multiple spirits some also say it could be a deity with either lesser deities or even representations of all humans residing in them. There are some civilizations that believe the 'shaman' can call upon spirits of disease and illness, that 'shaman' can be and are seen as responsible for any bad thing that happens, and they are responsible for keeping these spirits from attacking their tribe. There are some like the Yanomamo that have spirit houses, that believe the 'shaman' houses multiple spirits within the, and that they can commune with these spirits through thought. While I don't advocate taking things from religions that are closed or your not familiar with the teachings and culture of, it can help us understand what we experience and what we could experience in the future; to wrap up, there are historical records of something like multiple systems with a spiritual nature.
Investigating Discarnate Intelligence: Sandy's Mediumship & Spirit Houses...
The shamans' work > Yanomami
‘Host’ figurines Nyht
I've been inactive for several month, and I've missed being here. I've learned a lot more about myself and plan to talk about it here for anyone interested, and if not it can be ignored. I've recently found that I'm allergic to all the common allergens of my area, some foods, and even pets, and I've learned that I am gluten sensitive and can develope full Celiac's Disease if I continue with a gluten containing diet; long story short I am adjusting to a gluten-free, dairy-free diet that has a soft boundary on pork and beef until I know how I'll react. While I'm not severely allergic to anything known I am a new carrier of an Epipen just for the amount of allergens I react to; that's been an interesting development. Any way aside from yapping about the 'fun' health discoveries and how I'm happy to be back here is a list of the stuff I'd like to share:
Spiritual equivalent of multiple systems
Interesting discovery of a sea creature that eats rock
Discovering facets of my identity (gender, sexuality, etc.) and why its taken me so long
Conformation of what I am (kintype)
Talk of Headmates
of or relating to a transitional or initial stage of a process.
occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.
I saw a post talking about someone's strange experience in finding a working, fully stocked, and well kept vending machine in some unlit, nearly forgotten, underground maitainance tunnel once and someone mentioned that if they had gotten a drink from in then they would've been trapped in the otherworld in jest; that humorous conversation sparked a want to write a story. The first thing I need to do is find some urban places that are liminal:
24- hour establishments found on the side of a lone road with nothing else in sight
Truck stops/rest stops
Places were sidewalk segments don't meet up right
Places that are normally busy outside of hours
Airports/bus stations/bus stops/ train stations
Things that double up (e.g. abandon rest stops) especially so.
Note: What I say here paints fae and especially unseelie (to some) as 'demonic' and evil, but I didn't focus on the more positive aspects on them because its already blown way out of proportion and the darker side of their true nature buried way down under the child appropriate image. Maybe I will make a more friendly entry about this in the future.
I've been looking for new music, and I often times check out playlists that people put on the internet (especially tumblr); I learned that if you want some good heavy, gritty, and dark music you normally search demon in terms of kin playlists, fae often get more cutesy, pretty, and melodic, mermaid often gets a lot of instrumental. This gave me an urge to see if I could find any unseelie playlists, just to see what it normally got, and instead come across a blog that has made a few good points that I thought on for a bit (now I'm still trying to determine if said blog is decent enough to respect with the proper salt or if the points made were merely coincidence). The points made were talking about seelie vs. unseelie, their tactics and methods, and such; the best phrase I found to show them as they are is 'would you prefer a poisoned flower or a knife in the dark?' Its asking would you like sweet lies spoken through kind smiles that mask the horrible truth or would you like to know you dance on the knife edge and be seduced by the terrible truth?
When it comes down to it there is very little difference in those seelie and unseelie, both are dangerous and expect something in return for assisting; the biggest difference is that the seelie will danger behind beautiful and sweet deception and the unseelie embrace and taunt you with danger to seduce you into not caring, this is not an every individual kind of statement but an overall one. Most unseelie give off too much air of danger to be able to hide it behind sweet deception, like an alligator's smile while offering you a flower, but they don't get satisfaction from that kind of game. They find it more enjoyable to take what it is you want, give you enough of a taste of it to make you want it badly, then say 'we can help you achieve that, but for a price' where they tell you (maybe in a half lie so that you don't fully understand what it is your being asked to give up), and wait to see if you take it with predatory smiles. Whereas the seelie will emerge you in a beautiful dreamscape that you are drawn in to (like the dance scene from the Labyrinth) you will enjoy it and for a bit forget what it is that you want (possibly completely forget and dance yourself to death without realizing), when you finally remember to ask they will smile kindly and give you what you want (maybe with the line 'don't worry about the payment now, if it is important enough for you then take it now and worry about that later'), and you go back to find that maybe too much time had past and now its too late for what you went to them for or if you make it in time the payment that comes after is too big for you to give.
Yesterday proved how little control humans have on her and how unpredictable she can be; thirteen tornados dropped in western Kentucky and three in my area alone. It was terrifying how little warning we were given and how out of the blue it was, it was a short distance behind my house when I got a call from a friend warning me of it; I'm not going to lie, I was hiding in the hall terrifyed until it past. Once I was sure it was safe I stepped out into the front yard with mom and watched it as it left town and got bigger, and for all the people it could've hit no one was killed and only 10 people with minor injuries were reported; for all the crowded places in its path it jumped over its a miracle. Its strange to be going through town and seeing the damage, my heart goes out to everyone who is having to pick up their life in the aftermath. Nyht
In an ironic twist yesterday was the aniversary of the movie Twister; sadly I missed the excitement since I was out roaming, I would've loved to see it. Flatline
Before I start the posts I just want to get this out of the way, this will be the only time I say this:
I know that I am physically human and have human capabilities
I know that physical transformation is impossible
I am not making grandoise claims, see law of attraction ( Law of attraction (New Thought) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia )
I am misanthropric, that doesn't mean I hate people it just means that I have a more negative look on people
I may talk about religion and witchcraft
It should be common sense, but anything here that isn't sourced is personal belief (because just like people think beliefs constantly need to be captioned with 'its a belief, I think facts should be sourced so that others can readily check the validity)
So we get to start new with the blog here, alright, the only thing I think I will miss is my reference entries, but I don't need them any more. The key to what we are going to put here are simply things that I feel, want to say, and believe regardless on what someone else might say; I'm really struggling with staying on Kinmunity because I feel that the community has started to stagnate and I'm feeling less a part of it. There are many here that I have respect for and would like to keep what little touch I have with them, while there are others that I have no respect for at all the community as a whole has been a positive one in my experience, and I want to remain here and a part of it to see what it might achieve in the future.
This problem came up shortly after the New Year, I lost most of my drive to get on, so I tried to take a leave so that I could deal with the stuff I needed to focus on and hopefully recharge my motivation, but after coming back its still been a fight for me. I can log on, check to see if there is anything that I need to help with, and even look to see what kind of conversations are happening; but sadly I can barely find the motivation to join in even if its something that I'd really like to add my own reply to. I think that this is partly to blame for the fact that I've been becoming more and more aware of how I alter what I want to say for what I think will get the least critical comments, I am feeling more caged by not wanting to face the more vocal nay-sayers and less able to be who I am.
This is a problem I face on other fronts outside of the internet, and my fix for that? To be who I am and say 'screw anyone who wants to look down on me for it', thus I'm going to try it hear and see how it will make me feel in the near future. Nyht