Separate names with a comma.
Well I think it is time to really let it known further.
Alright.. where to begin. Not many known I had past life memories for some time. Altough I disregarded them as some wild imagintation from my own brain I really never bothered to look into it further. I cant really remember when they began but I know it is now going on for almost 2 years now. I still try to understand what is happening but there is more then just memories. For the past months I have an inner turmoil with myself. I honestly didnt know what to identify as but kept it on the prehistoric creatures since some shifts where from them. But then I started to have more what I also disrgarded as cameo shifts or just wild imagination for quite an while now. But all the hiding it led me to uncomfortableness. What I know is it doesnt feel as it must be. But all the hiding really was because of some things.
To understand the shifts and stuff I need to write out my memories to try to put it into the best words I can but I cannot guaranteen I know everything or know how to describe stuff. While it is known I am an spiritual person it never reached the point that I would experience myself some things. I never experienced anything before so I never thought to experience it at one moment. What started of with what seemed to be just imagination of an wild and unknown planet would lead to more then I knew at the time. While I dont remember really detailed what it was I knew it was my home at one point. I still knew memories were not really required for an otherkin identity so I really never mentioned them. Let's see.. what to say next? I keep most really before me due some uncomfortableness. At first it seemed I may had lived many different lives at that planet as creatures that were similiar to some Earth animals we had here in prehistoric times. But still I didnt really see any reason to really use that in my own identity since I felt I was the animals that lived here and two of them ended up in my own identity as kintypes. It seemed as some weird dreams to me so I never really found any good motivation to investigate further.
Anyway I will cut it short. Eventually I decided to really analyze the memories to really try to understand what was going on. They seemed at first just random things that didnt really had any connection to them and so never really bothered at first to keep going there was something in me that was curious. But when I finally managed to at least analyze some I did figure out they were connected to eachother. While the 5 animals seemed different they shared one base with each other what I failed to see in my first few attempts. They all shared traits of the Basilisk. At first I thought I mistook something and kept trying over again and again. But the more I kept investigating it the more it didnt seemed as some mistake I made. Still after this I really putted it aside for an year now what I now regret. The shifts of these animals kept coming back and I still thought most aside the 2 I identify as were cameo. But that is where the inner turmoil started. I started to get more sad. Why? Well I will explain that under.
Eventually when I finally made sense of what was happening I discovered something I am still trying to wrap my head around. That life involved me as an god. Urgh I hate to use that word since I never saw myself as better then the inhabitants I helped in my time there. I still dont like to use that word to describe it. Altough celestial would be an better fit. Anyway continuing despite connecting all the dots I didnt really seemed to really make an move to identify as the creature I was. Not because I was afraid but more of how people will perceive something like that. So that is why I hided it for quite some time now but now I realize that has done me more harm then good. I told other people to not surpress anything and yet I didnt follow because afraid of what would happen if I announced this. I didnt want to come over as fluff, something better or anything. Especially since it also can be perceived the wrong way.
So why do I now identify as the Beast now and not seperate creatures and why? To start off while they are seperated from each other in some ways they eventually fall all back to me in the same way. Sharing only one thing in common. I tried to identify as them seperate including the Basilisk whom they all share some traits but it never really felt like it should be. Why is still something I try to answer as good as I can but right now my answer would be it is for now an better fit then just identifying as the Oxalaia and American Cave Lion. I thought maybe somehow I chose it or was an obsession but knowing myself on that area didnt feel as the answer. Writing this really makes me feel anxious about possible reactions or stuff like that but it is better then keep hiding what would harm me more. I wish I could answer more but with my current knowledge I cant answer much then what I know. Honestly I would not really idendtify as some celestial shapeshifting being but I cant choose how my own identity is. And I guess more is still awaiting in the years to come of my own personal process through this. But I feel like I only can start it good if I dont hide this anymore. It has teared me up but now it feels as some weight of my shoulders has come lose. Yes, I am still anxious really since I never asked for this but more suprises will await me at some points.
At this moment I am reminded of my own words:
''In order to accept yourself you must not be afraid to accept yourself as who or what you are''
And that is what I will work on. I still keep questioning myself about this and will maybe never stop doing that but at least this feel as an good start. Sorry if things sounded vague due my stress I cant really think clear but also I still try to understand more. All I can say is I have looked into alternatives aside this but never reached an conclusion on why I experience this.
As some may be already aware I have an dragon kintype. It is kind of an long story so I keep it short due the amount of time I have now.
Yeah my first gut feeling told me dragon but I didnt really want that. Considering how many dragons there are now and also it is known I like dragons. So I thought for an long time it is just an wishful thinking. While I did have draconic shifts in the past I always shrugged it off as an cameo or just wishful thinking. But it seems I cant deny the dragon any longer. Yes I am an dragon. I did look into dinosaurs but didnt really find an close match that alsp could explain the shifts.
I am an Aztec like dragon. While the body is the same the head is a bit different hence I say Aztec like. It has hair like the Eastern dragon, head that is more a mix between Western and Eastern. Small horns where the ears are located. But the other 2 horns are like the classical dragon horn. Instead of the snake body the Aztec dragons are depicted with while I do have an similiar body I do have 2 arms containing 5 claws on each side. Even the tail has tailons on each side 1. No spikes. If my memories are correct it is brownish color with an white full moon on the head between the eyes and markings on the back that are both white.Eyes are either dark blue or blue grey and the hair that ends near the neck is also white. Beyond that I dont know much else about the dragon.The small earhorns were special but I dont know for what. They are smaller than the main horns and are slightly backwards.
Just some stuff I need to get off my chest. Anyway the last time I dont feel quite happy. I do experience this annoying feeling for a few years now and despite seeking help it just doesnt want to go away. I explain anyway since keeping it to myself will do more harm then good.
It all started some 2 years ago when I was in the community for a while. Everyone knows how I lost my father and aunt at a young age of cancer and had traumatized me in some ways. Anyway when this feeling surfaced I didnt knew what it was. Yet it made me sad and lonely. I talked about it and heck even created some well drama. Anyway I have discovered last year it is actually the fear of being left behind when I am close with people. Since I was close with my father and aunt it is no wonder why I have this fear. At a young age when confronted with the concept of death and pain I never got enough time to process it good. Especially since the disease struck not long after my father caugh it. To this day the fear refuse to go away. People sometimes wonder why I keep pushing people away well the fear of being left behind it the biggest cause of that. Altough a small part of me knows the opposite I still refuse to be close to people. In my mind being a loner without having much close friends will do me less harm when I am left behind. While it is great to see other people having that whole family thing with the community I however feel left out because of this fear. I try to be a part but when people say I am a part of the family that is where I become afraid and start to push people away. Not afraid of being judged but afraifd that what I would consider family will also leave me behind at one point and I am alone again like what happened in the past.
I try to overcome it but no luck. Despite the support of Adela I still cant find myself to get used to the family feeling especially since most part of my life I was alone, played alone and stayed in my room. The only place where I could be free and knew I would never be left behind. But unfortunaly that decision did more harm then good. To this day I try to interact with others but the fear doesnt let me feel that whole family feeling. I have sought help before and also talked about it all but still it is no use. I am not leaving the site or anything dont get me wrong on that.
At this point I dont know how to deal with this and despite Adela's best efforts the fear still is a pain in the neck and makes me feel aiienated from the ommunity. I dont want that but I dont know how to overcome the fear either. I am stuck between 2 different me's. One that wants to interact and be part of the community and one that doesnt and makes me feel alone and stuff. I try to be the first one but no use. I just dont know what to do aymore. At those moments I hate myself for being the latter me. Being a broken mess.
I went trough these for a while now and feel ready to share it. Maybe it is Obvious or maybe it isnt. Either way my shifts of the Lion helped me to paint a picture of a possible build of the lion.
It feels as a fairly well muscled feline. When I got these shifts sometimes it feels as if I have a lot of strenght in the body. Maybe a bit more in the paws and jaw area but just slighty not over the top. Everything seemed to be designed to bring down big prey. Given the type of prey it hunted it needed to have a build that would allow the lion to be mobile and agile while remaining speed and strenght to bring down their prey as it hunted in groups. One lion could cause damage but a whole group of them would bring much more fatal damage. As studies have suggest it has one of the largest brain capacity of felines to exist today or did exist. Combine all that power with good communication during the hunt and you have a hunter that is capable of bringing down big prey and a very succesful hunter.
I did spend time to back up these shifts. As some may have read the prey section in the thread it did hunt big prey. But one prey sticks out: The mammoth. Yes it seems they also hunted these animals as well while I dont know if it would be adults or just the youngsters. But given the size of a mammoth and weight a carnivore that would hunt them need a lot of strength even in a group to bring down a beast of that size and very good communication of a group lions. Studying the prey even further aside the mammoth it seems very likely that the shifts I feel of the Lion are true since some would require a well build hunter to bring them down.
While not as muscular as the Smilodon Populator or the most powerful feline it is still impressive what it was capable of during it's time. It is certainly a hunter to watch out for. Given the information of the internet that was available to me it seems the shifts that vaguely indicate it's build may be very true. A well build feline with enough strength and good communication to bring down big prey even what may be the largest on it's menu: Whooly Mammoths.
My next two blogs will give information about my kintype starting with the dinosaur. I feel if one understands my extinct kintypes they can better talk with me about them if they want. So yeah Oxalaia.
What type of dinosaur is it?
Oxalaia Quilombonesis falls under the spinosaur tree. The same tree as the famous Spinosaur Aegypticus. While the fossils are rare they showed enough signs of elements to place them under the spinosaurs.
A fossil of the Oxalaia
Not much is found of the Oxalaia. While they know it is a spinosaur and lived in what is now Brazil they arent sure how long the dino could get. It is estimated that the Oxalaia could reach a lenght of 12 to 14 meters in lenght and weighed around 5 to 7 tonnes.
If you are aware there is a theory that is pretty recent that Spinosaur Aegypticus may have walked on 4 legs instead of 2 legs. While it is not proven that it is a fact since it is still under debate paleontologists think the Oxalaia also may have walked around on 4 legs. While artist impressions show the dino being bipedal more there are while not artist impressions some pictures that shows it on 4 legs but mostly when it is used as a pic that shows the dino lenght and height in opposite of a normal human being.
Since there is a lack of fossils Spinosaur Aegypticus was used to estimate the lenght for a approximate body double of this dinosaur. This is a rough estimation and as long there isnt more found of the dinosaur that can help to get a better understanding of the lenght it remains uncertain how long the dinosaur really could get.
In what time did the dinosaur live?
Fossils indicate it lived during the late Cretaceous (early Cenomanian stage, about 98 mya) in what is now Bazil.
What was it's diet?
At first it was thought with Spinosaur Aegypticus that it was a meat eater. Recently however studies shown that it was a fish eater when fish was more common during the warm seasons. It however would eat meat when the fish were gone during colder times. Skull analysis showed that it most likely stuck it's snout in the water and when prey swam underneath it would sense that through sensors in the snout and would snap it's jaws shut at the right moment. Basicly it had a similiar hunting style as crocodiles have. It was through the skulls of these reptiles that showed it was a fish eater. So it would be similiar for Oxalaia to hunt like this given it had a similiar build as Spinosaur. This way it didnt need to compete for meat when fish was around and could afford be wasteful.
What did it look like?
Well as it is the case with most dinosaur we can only guess what the color might be. Since we dont have time travel it will remain for now a big guessing game for what it really looked like due the lack of bones. Maybe if there is more found of the Oxalaia we can at least understand the anatomy of the animal better. But given the new things that are discovered with Spinosaur there will always be new things waiting to be discovered.
One of the artist impressions on how the dino may looked like
The next one that is coming up is the American Cave Lion.
Ever reading the copies of the papers that contains my official diagnosis of my PDD-NOS I have feeling down moments. I try to keep it short as possible:
Basicly I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when I was 13. As a 13 year old girl I always played alone outside school and had little friends. I had trouble understanding people emotions and didnt know how to respond to that. I needed structure and no change and I am quickly experience sensory overload when I am in busy areas. Talking about my feelings is also very difficult for me. Heck, I dont even make eye contact with people. I was always viewed as the different one at that time since I behaved not normal.
Reading all this makes me feel like that again. It never got away. Seeing how others can speak with eachother makes me feel more alienated. In order to go through life I needed to put on a mask and pretending I was happy (I dont do that anymore). I still feel alienated in almost every place. My purpose was of joining a community was that I could break free of these feelings and be finaly who I can be online what I cant really do in real life except around my few friends. At first glance it seemed to go well for almost a year but once again it needed to return. I was finaly happy and could be who I was but at last it wasnt meant to last forever. Once again I am that social awkward wallflower that doesnt know what to do in conversations. Once again I push people away who I viewed once as friends and try to be the loner as I was in the past since I dont know how to react to the feeling of being accepted and part of a family. One part knows this but my brain doesnt know that. When it comes in it tries to place it but since it doesnt know how to react to it it quickly disregard it under the assumption people just say it because I want to hear it and nothing more and makes me once again the loner that I thought I finally shedded of me. My brain doesnt make assumption of yes I am accepted here and stuff. It goes as far to let me think I have no friends. One part knows the exact opposite but the majority of me makes me feel otherwise.
I dont know anymore what to think but right now I can say:
I feel alone.
Well it is a while since my last blog entry. I will not do them that much though but figured it is time to write one again. Nothing really spectacular though.
Well as some may have known I did mention the possibility of a second kintype. Judging of all what happened it seems the case that I have do a second kintype but that is less persistent then Oxalaia but when ignored after a while it does resurface to catch my attention. First I thought sure a another cameoshift and that was really the main reason I wrote the possibility off of having a second kintype. Anyway I do not know yet what type of animal it is aside it is a prehistoric animals. Something in me says a extinct feline but I did researched canines too but it seems more fitting with a feline rather then a canine, other dinosaur or birds and stuff from the past. Doesnt mean I can be wrong it is just that. Species? Not really a idea but right now 2 stick more out then the rest: the Giant cheetah and American Lion.
Why extinct species instead of modern day animals? Well as crazy as it sounds when I had my awakening I always had the feeling of I must be extinct and not alive today. I dont really know how to explain it. I am familiar with modern day species and all are good and stuff but I dont feel them as me as for example the Oxalaia does and now with this second kintype. Sometimes I do feel really alienated from this time and feel as this is not natural or my home and instead longing back to something else that I cant really explain. Altough it doesnt happen much when I do I look around me at the world and feel things I cant explain but that arent human too. Honeslty I dont know where these come from but it isnt something I would feel as a human. I dont really create worlds to make it easier. Heck, I look around and feel slight predator like instincts that I cant place under humans altough we do have still have instincts of our ancestors (I am aware of that). I dont really know why these instincts are different from human instinct but they are but really difficult to explain why they are.
People know already my father died from cancer and also my aunt that died from the same disease but Im gonna talk about the time before that all happened. Keep note I dont remember much of my childhood.
When I was born I had for unknown reason black hair. That eventually went away but I still have no idea why I was born with black hair.
When I grew older it became clear there was something wrong. I was three years to late when it came down to speech. Even with help I didn't talk. After all the time of help and no progress they became sure I would never talk. I dont know when I started to talk but it was a huge relieve for my parents. Their fear that I would grow up without the ability to speak went away. But I think it was just in time otherwise I would here am today as a mute or how they call it. I cannot imagine how that must look like but it was almost my future. Maybe I would only communicate through writing and computer. All I know that since it took me so long to talk my future was for the people who helped me certain I would grow up without the ability to speak. Today I cannot imagine how that must felt for my parents but I get a uneasy feeling thinking about it.
That is really how what I can write about.
Well I keep it short since I have enough to do today. So let's begin with just a simple thing shall we?
I'm happy to tell that the kintype is spinosaur Oxalaia. Details of it come soon I promise.
More news well I keep ya posted.