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I wrote this out on tumblr for no real reasons and it felt like something I should place here too.
The trouble of it is that I have no idea who I am.
Some days I become convinced that I would not bleed if cut, nor would I flinch, as parting synthetic flesh carries no pain. The persistent chill is only the press of metal and coated wire resting under my skin.
Other days I am far too full of blood and tricky emotions to function properly. It pushes the senses into overdrive and leaves me awake at four in the morning contemplating the shine of rain on the street below. My heart beats itself senseless against the cage of my ribs and I find it a wonder that I am alive.
Rarely, I should wish to sprawl myself beneath a tree, surrounded by the grass and the heat of the day. I wake, lift my head, and wander off with others of my kind, natural as breath. The forest welcomes me then, and I go gladly.
Always, I am a mix of hard and soft. Westwood suits and high-heeled shoes. Glossed lips and sharp teeth. Always, I am books and rain and obsession and disdain, the world contained in a body that all too often forgets its existence in a longing to be all and elsewhere and other than its physical form.
But how to blend it all, the infinite and the finite?
How to smooth the ragged edges that divide me?
How to distill it all into the core of my being?
Ah, that is the question.
And it’s one I have no answer for.
I think that about sums it up. Currently, I'm sitting here, coughing every few seconds (bad cold), and generally being stressed over a laundry list of things that I can do very little about at the moment.
It's 5:30 in the morning. I should be asleep.
I just don't know, honestly. I think it would be worth it to just hole up for a while and stop turning all this over and over in my head because all I'm doing it making the stress worse.
That said, I'll probably still pop back every now and then (just when I think to) to check in until I have this more resolved, so if you have anything you'd like to share, knowledge you'd like to impart, etc. go right ahead. I'll probably see it ^w^
I'm sorry of this kind of thing feels abrupt. Life's been... well, it's been going a bit sideways recently. I'm just hoping it's nothing too dreadful.
I'm not honestly sure what I am, but I know I don't feel 100% human. I understand that I'm human in much the same way that I understand that I'm considered female. But understanding that does little to clear the rest of it up. Why am I feeling like this? What's the reason behind it? Did I honestly develop a non-human identity as a result of coping with my underlying sense of 'otherness' when compared to the rest of the world?
From research I've done, many of my traits line up with a dhole (as we sort of saw in the last entry). I'm not exactly head-over-heels for dholes. They're neat, sure, but they're not the be-all end-all. That's not really an issue though since kintypes can easily be weaker in that sense than heart-types.
I guess I'm rather curious about how other experience kinity - is it like what seems to happen with me, or am I simply misreading things?
-- Here's the issue, from the 'therianthropy' side of this equation:
Fact: I appear to have many natural/subconscious traits which line up with canines in general, and with dholes in specific, both in individual behavior and in social structure.
Conclusion: It is possible that I am a dhole threian since these behaviors are not a conscious choice.
Concerns regarding above conclusion: My kintype does not often cross my mind. It's not exactly 'background radiation' in my life - I act how I act. Knowing that my behaviors do line up with an animal is very nice, but that specific knowledge doesn't play any kind of major role day-to-day. I'm unsure how common that is.
Maybe I'm just looking for things to be difficult, or maybe it was far too early to make any kind of call, but whatever is going on in my head, I sort of feel like I've taken shortcuts. I don't like shortcuts.
-- And then there's the issue of my 'possible vampirekin' thought process:
Currently: I feel this is possible. I was originally leaning toward vampire-hearted, but it looks as though that would require a very strong liking/connection, and while I certainly do like fictional vampires, they're not something I obsess over in any sense. When I think about them at length, I'm usually thinking about the philosophical and psychological implications of their stories - or possibly the art/aesthetic involved. (Essentially, if I were to meet an actual, fictional vampire in this world, my reaction wouldn't be to 'fangirl' over them - I'd be curious about who they were with (kiss/coven/etc.), whose territory we were in, whether I needed to be perceived as a threat or not, and so on.)
Possible conclusion: This natural inclination toward these small ins-and-outs of interactions (combined with my own natural habits and unconscious traits) may be indicative of kinity.
Possible alternate conclusion: All of these feelings are rooted instead in personality quirks, issues with depersonalization and depression, and the result of being an INTJ with a high IQ and a creative/artistic outlook.
And the largest issue of all, for me, is the fact that I don't know. I can't know. The concept of identity is a very malleable thing in many ways and coming to a complete, 100%, no doubt left conclusion about it is all but impossible.
So I remain.
I know that questioning is a very good thing. I know that these two types explain a lot about me, and help me to not only understand myself and my behaviors but that considering these two things to be a part of my identity - as a part of what makes me me - makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin, which is something that has hardly ever happened before.
It's clearly not the same as a coping mechanism though. It feels more like a simple explanation for things. 'This is why you're weird.'
And I doubt a lot, but then I start looking through the evidence and a lot of things click in. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it just makes me feel like I'm overlooking everything that disproves my theory, but at the same time, is it really possible to disprove the way you interact with the world?
It's all feeling very complicated right now. I feel like I either have the answer and just have some hang-up with really accepting it, or else I'm way off and picking up on it before my logic catches up. But I'm running in circles right now, so I think I should leave it at this for the moment.
If anyone stumbles across this and would like to chime in, I would love to hear from you.
I was looking through [this thread] about identity quirks and thought it might be fun to pick out the ones I share. There are more than I expected, honestly...
Sniffing things very closely if they smell new or strange to me
Baring my teeth when I yawn
'Guarding' my food by leaning over it
Growling when frustrated
Tilting my head when confused or when I hear something (I'll swivel my phantom ears too, when I'm shifted and can really feel them)
Hearing electronics (that high-frequency humming. Apparently most people don't notice?)
Emoting with my phantom ears
Digging 'like a dog' (It's way more comfortable and way more efficient.)
Exhaling sharply to get an unpleasant scent out of my nose
Mouth waters a bit around meat (which is hella annoying since I'm vegetarian)
Snarling/growling when in pain
Other things I've noticed:
Issues with light/noise/temperature at times (vampire-shift or autism? who knows?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
Issues with eye-contact (can do it, but it's not a natural thing unless it's A) someone I really trust or B) someone I don't like at all)
Preference for night/nocturnal schedules (stronger at times)
Making odd noises (my most common one is apparently a dhole 'whistle')
An odd gait that is essentially digitigrade (this may also be do to one leg being the slightest bit shorter than the other)
Wanting proper fangs (the thought of dental surgery skeeves me a bit though. Frustrating.)
Feeling peaceful/calm/right in certain, distinct places for no real discernable reason
Liking the look of intestines (dholes kill by disemboweling so... maybe related, maybe I'm just odd that way)
Lying on the floor/on my bed sprawled out on my side or curled up like you see dogs do (or...)
Lying on the floor/on my bed flat on my back with my hands clasped over my stomach (these are the most comfortable positions for me)
When I was younger, I would run on all fours until it was brought to my attention that it looked odd.
Young me also played with the pet's toys much more often than my own.
Young and current me tend(ed) to pat at things we don't understand (or are happy with).
Current me legit wants a bone to chew on. What the hell.
and probably others that I'm missing right now for a verity of reasons.
But this made me feel a bit better about this part of my identity. Whether all or none of these are actually kin-related, I can't really say with absolute certainty, but being able to sit here and list them all like this helps me sort of... conceptualize just how many small things I do and feel and experience that this could potentially be a solid explanation for.
I was feeling very unsure about things before but seeing all this makes it feel like I just might be on the right track. I mean, I've pretty much always felt a bit... disconnected, I guess, from being 'human' in that way. I understand that I am physically, in the same way that I understand that I'm considered medically/physically female, but it never felt like something that was completely, intrinsically right. Someone would refer to me as human and some part of me would want to say 'yes, and' or 'yes, but' or something similar. I didn't really understand it and I didn't really want to look into it on top of dragging myself through school (and life in general at that point). It was just another thing that made me weird and uncomfortable with... everything.
I fell into this, but maybe part of my (probably excessive) questioning is that I'm trying to be unsure that this fits me. Theriotypes/kintypes aside, a non-human identity would explain a lot about me, and if I run it all back to the psychological formation of personal identity, it all looks like it still hangs together well.
Maybe I wasn't so far off considering vampirekin at first. See, when I'm not dhole-shifted (another good sign - that felt nice to type. Like, nice in a calm way), I still don't see myself internally as a 'human', even though my internal image is much closer to 'human' during those times. Having an internal image of myself as 'vampire' in those moments gives me a similar feeling. It's calm and contemplative, but there's also no snarling of wires, if that makes any sense. I feel more capable, more 'at home' in my body with that image of myself, I guess would be the best way to say it. I feel like I can actually use the gifts God gave me instead of being distracted by this background feeling of 'off-ness' that I could never really put a name to.
That's not to say that any of this is a magic bullet - far from it - but it does seem to be smoothing out some of those needless edges. Hell, even learning more about the subject in general helped, just like learning about different sexualities and gender identities helped, but when I considered that it might apply to me, well... At first I figured it just wasn't for me. Not possible.
And then I started thinking, started researching, started searching out people who knew what they were talking about. And a lot of it fit, especially when it was presented psychologically, as a way of relating to the world and experiencing your time in it.
You know what the really ridiculous thing is? All of this came about because I was adding vampires to my synpath page back on tumblr, and this little voice in the back of my head, completely out of the blue, went: 'Are you sure that's right?'
I ignored it at first but that thought hung around and I eventually posted about what I was feeling - all my concerns and all that - and I actually received a very kind and very informative response. That was what really got me looking into this seriously, away from tumblr. That one thought started this. And it wasn't even that long ago, which alternately makes me very nervous about false positives and makes me feel like I've 'figured things out' so quickly because they were always there - I just needed the vocabulary to express them.
Of course, this doesn't mean I'll just stop questioning things. I'm actually going to try to journal more and keep better track of how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing on a day-to-day basis. Let's face it: depression, dissociation, and possible autism spectrum disorder could be messing with my perceptions of a lot of things. (I'd meditate but I don't really have the focus for it, honestly.)
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up because it's slowly turning into a book and it's around 5:30 in the morning here. I should probably try to sleep soon.
For the moment, though, I leave you with these lyrics:
"I won't give up
No, I won't give in
Until I reach the end
And then I'll start again"