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I might need a break. I feel divided within myself. One half says, "You're a Dragon and you should feel like one," while the other half says "You're stupid for ever thinking that and you should just stop now."
and something is terrified. So, so, scared. Scared of everyone else. The people who could hurt them. They want to find anything and anything they think could be harmful to them and tear them to shreds. It's such a burning, awful hatred. The kind of hatred that would make you do anything just to rip the ones you hate off the face of the planet.
Who exactly is... feeling this? It's not Syret... right? It can't be. I don't think they've ever expressed any kind of hate.
What if it's me? No, there's no way. I... don't hate anyone. I don't hate anyone. I don't hate anyone!
But it's there. Just a burning, awful flame of hatred and fear. It's so horrible. I don't want to give in to it. Please don't give in to it. You can fight it.
I've been in some kind of limbo lately. I'm still in a generally depressed and self-loathing mood, but- I feel fine. I'm okay.
And I feel like I need something. Something important. What is it? Am I wrong to expect anything? Probably. If I feel fine, why do I need anything more? But something still feels wrong about how I am now. It's like a constant weight on my mind that's saying: "Do something! Do something!" And not making it clear what exactly it is. It starts to really stress me out. Like, it starts to feel really awful and then I just want to lay in bed and sleep as long as possible.
And there's no one who can help me. Only I can know what I have to do.
But it's okay. I'll survive. I'll live. I'm going to be alright. I won't let depression kick my ass like it's done before.
I'll walk through life staring it in the eyes.
So Syret has gone totally inwards. They haven't said anything in days, and I can't really... feel them? If that makes any sense. Well, I know they're still there, but they're just kinda... I don't know how to put it. Hibernating? No... On vacation? Uh... Only half there? I don't even know. I'm not totally sure they're alright. I guess they're trying to... figure some things out. They don't know what they are at all. I'm using they because they never had a gender in the first place really. I don't know if there is anything I can do other than being here for them. I just feel really bad. It makes me feel like I should have done something differently, better. Like I could have been a better person to them in general. I probably could have. I wasn't blatantly terrible or anything, it's just... I feel like this is all my fault somehow. Some way. And I want to help them so bad... But I only feel like anything I do will just make things worse. Should I just... Leave them to whatever they need to do? Or should I try to connect with them? Both of those options seem like they'll end badly. Which sucks.
I just want them to be alright. I just want something to end well for once. For once? Has everything really gone that bad? I guess I can't help thinking that way sometimes.
Hell, maybe I'm even worrying too much. I do that sometimes I guess. But this must be serious, right? Syret seems to have lost their sense of self... That must be horrible, right?
Oh god, I feel so bad. What a mess.
Me: How are you?
Syret: I don't know.
Me: What's wrong?
Syret: I don't know what I am supposed to be.
Me: Man, just be whatever you want. Even if it's literally just my kinself.
Syret: But that's you, not me.
Me: Then what are you?
Syret: I don't know.
Why am I distressed? There is nothing blatantly wrong here. But everything feels so bad. I just feel terrible for no reason. There's something I am missing. I feel like I am missing something. But there's nothing wrong. Everything is the same as it always was. So why?
I don't think I know, really. The long list of things I don't know or understand.
Maybe the right thing will come. All I know is that I have to keep going. The fire will guide me.
Crying is something that doesn't normally happen with me. I don't know. I think I've lost the ability to cry (easily, anyways) going through depression. But there are certain moments where it almost happens. For example, this!
This song nails me in the heart, like a stake to a stereotypical vampire. Everything about it speaks to me, spiritually or otherwise. I just really need to get this off my chest. You get to listen to a good song and listen to me whine about my feelings!
"Brought here by courage or delusion, I won't stop but I feel ripping mad."
Sometimes I can't help thinking that I am a delusion. Or am I really just facing what's been hiding all my life? It's hard to know. But I'm not stopping. I've come this far. But it makes me mad. Like I just want to rip everything to pieces. I'm ripping mad! But what am I mad with? Joy, or fear? I honestly think it's a mixture of both.
"So I am crying words that don't make sense to me or them"
This one's a little hard to explain, but I'm trying my best. It has something to do with analysis. Like, trying to understand the things that happen. It seems like the things I experience (or think I do, at least) don't make any sense. I don't even think I understand. Everyone else seems so comfortable and I'm just a complete mess, spewing things that aren't rational. That might be a little exaggerated.
"You find with time you build more than sow,
You build a house,
You build what you know,
I wonder if that's home."
I think what this means to me is that when you're trying to figure out what you are, who you are, you often come up with things you didn't originally discover. Like, you find a few pieces of the puzzle but the rest full themselves in, you know what I mean? And also, maybe home isn't something you build. Maybe I can only be at home If I'm comfortable on the inside, not just on the outside. Like, to be truly in a safe place, I need to find myself, not just a shelter.
"It's time for letting wounds and breaking through these pretty patterned knots I twist around"
I need to untie the knots that are binding me in place with fear and worriedness. I need to let the past be the past and move forward.
I might continue this later, but I'm lazy and I haven't really analyzed the rest of the lyrics too deeply yet.
There's something wrong. Horrible, horrible darkness. Where is it coming from? What is wrong... what do I need? What is going on? Something's not right. Something needs fixing. Urgently. It feels so horrible.
What is best for me and Syret? Is there any possible way to know? Do we stop playing this game and become one? Or do we stay apart and enjoy each other's company? I don't want to make Syret merge. He's become so much. It just wouldn't seem right. Everything is so different now. A year ago, would I ever have guessed how much I have changed? Syret and me are just swirling down this eternal whirlpool, and I can't just get out of it. I can't reverse everything I have seen, everything I have thought about, everyone I talked to, everything I found inside myself. So we're just going to have to keep walking down this path, even if it seems like I would have been better off if I hadn't looked so deep inside myself. If i hadn't found Syret, or all of these other confusing things. What if I had just kept all those things locked in the boxes in the back of my mind, never to open them? Would I be destined to open them eventually? Or would my life had been better off without all of these things I have to think about weighing me down? These heads, these wings, this tail, it all makes me feel heavy. What if ignorance really is bliss? But I want to know. I want to find all of these things waiting for me. However, how can I know that it's not going to just weigh me down further? What if I don't need it?
It is time for me to begin anew, I think. This is all too much right now. I need to just take a step back and... try to figure out what's going on, because I didn't do a very good job of that before. What's happening right now is tearing me apart. So I'm going to start over. I think I will keep Syret around. I created him. I can't just get rid of him. So he's coming along this ride as well, for now. Here we go.
Surr thinks I should write blog entries too. He says it's good to have multiple perspectives, even if I turn out to not be a real person in the end. What does he mean? Of course I'm I real person... right? Surr, you have to stop thinking like that. How is there any doubt I'm real? I'm right here.. in your head.. always. The question isn't if I am, it's about what I am. I've been here all this time, you know. All you had to do was look in the closet I was in, and let me be known. Anything that happens after that is up to us, really. So don't doubt.. just do it.
Syret wants to speak. He wants to speak to people. He wants people to know his name. He wants to be me. It seems wrong not to let him. So what do I do? I should let him, right? But he's so... aggressive. He tried to front this morning. He failed, but he got kinda close. What would have happened if he did? I would love for him to be able to talk to everyone, because I want him to be happy. It's not that I'm afraid of what he will do, but more so the confusion that might ensue. So I don't know. I'll have to see what happens, I suppose.
What am I? Syret has been talking more and more. Normally he has trouble speaking unless I'm meditating, but he's been getting better at it.
Am I lying to myself? I've been getting more and more convinced that I am, and that I'm not really 'kin, but Syret wants to assure me that I'm not. He thinks that he is a manifestation of my kintype. I tell him that I created him. That he didn't have to exist. He says he knows that.
How am I not lying to myself then? I'm just convincing myself of things. He wasn't destined to exist, he wasn't there the whole time, and that makes me think that I'm not kin. I just created him because I wanted him, not because he was meant to be.
I want to feel complete, I want to feel right. This feels right and wrong at the same time.
And I'm such a mess. I feel like this should be who I am, but I don't at the same time.
Even if Syret isn't really a manifestation of my kintype, if I am really not kin at all, he's still here. He's awake. He's real.
Oh, Syret. You are my only solace. Please carry me away from here. Take my hand and tell me that it's going to be okay. That we will find peace. That you have a purpose.
And he does.
I'm insane. I've gone crazy.
When did all of this just pop into my head?
Why am I so attached to it?
I dunno, but this is a memory-maybe-but-probably-not thing that probably didn't happen but I'm sharing it anyways because I feel like if I don't it'll drive me insane.
A solemn figure puts me to my knees. He unsheathes his sword and uses it to cut off both of my wings. It hurts like the worst pain imaginable. Then he kicks me off the platform, sending me through the clouds, then throws my wings down with me. The rushing wind blows the feathers all around me and I'm falling. Falling, falling, falling. Down and down I go. Falling downwards. It seemed like an eternity I was falling. But eventually the ground approaches and I realize I have to think of something. Then I sense something. Then I understand. I will insert myself into his soul and his life. We will merge. I will be preserved. So I just let myself fall. I hit the ground and it's done. But then I feel a sensation. I died, but now I will be reborn. I start going up. Falling upwards. And I keep rising and rising, leaving my body and the wings behind. Then I feel heads, and new wings, and claws, then everything goes white, then red, then black.
And now I'm here. Now he's here. Now we're here. I don't think that necessarily actually happened, or if it even means anything, but there you go. The fallen angel that died and then got reborn as a three headed dragon inside my soul because he/she wanted to preserve themself.
Its probably all nonsense. I think I might need help because I'm going insane. But I felt like I just had to get it out there at least.
Oh my. Some interesting things just happened. I discovered "him". He was born when my awakening began, and he resides within me. But here's the weird part: its not like a system I think. Sure, he's like a separate entity from me, But he isn't At the same time. He is me and I am him. He is independent but he also isn't. I Will try to explain It more in the future, but that's all I really understand about it. He's really primitive. He just stares and makes noises. He is very young after all. I will try to put updates here as he develops more, but right now the most interesting things he does are digging holes and sleeping.