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i really don't have a group of people I feel safe talking to and confiding in. I feel terribly alone and pointless right now. Not sure what the hell is going on. I'm thinking about starting a group for otherkin on feralheart just to have something to do. Worth a shot.
Back on Kinmunity for the first time in a while!
Hello. It has been a few months since I've come on Kinmunity, or really participated in the non-human community as a whole. I tend to go in and out with my involvement with things, though of course I always have been and will continue to be other.
What's been going on. Human stuff.
Graduated high school. It has felt surreal, not going back. Not planning on college in the near future.
Finally started driving and got my first job. It's at a book store, I'm on my third week there and it's still a lot to take in. So far it has both helped and crushed my confidence, as my social skills have been exercised, but I've also learned how slow and terrible I am at counting change.
Mother got in an accident in my car that totaled it. Can't get around on my own any more, for the time being.
Spirituality, and an Update with Astral Projection.
I'm basically going through a dry period with spirituality. For a while I was interested in Druidry, but it kind of fizzled out when I realized I really don't do well with specific regimens or ritual. To be honest I have no idea where the time has gone. I haven't been meditating, not much spiritual reading, no more psychedelics. Still keeping to myself, no pack or group of any kind. But this recent full moon made me feel certain things.
For a while I have been exploring using my kintype in roleplay, which has helped me learn more about my deeper sexuality and has been generally comforting.
But in the past few days it has felt a little strange. When I'm writing the roleplay things I'm remembering I'm writing about myself. I think "would my sacred, gargoyle self be okay with this?" But then I remember there is no separation between me and it-- I am that. The same kind of dissociation accompanied that moment as when I would hear my own voice in conversation some year or so ago and feel skewed away from it. It felt odd, but not as jarring as it felt in the previous cases during conversation before testosterone.
And during the supermoon, on my usual nightly walk, I felt that nostalgic longing to get down on all fours, to feel my paws on the ground. The fluttering, rumbling feeling in my chest, wanting to growl and roar, like a loud lion's yawn, getting to stretch his paws into a new day.
For the longest time I wanted to achieve astral projection so badly, to investigate and prove to myself that my identity is legitimate. Of course now I'm much more confident and comfortable with my identity, but at the same time I realize I could totally give it up if my path required it. I know that even when I'm not actively embracing and feeding the belief in my kintype, it's still there. Even if I gave up every notion of my individuality, I know my spirit will be the same, and I don't fear that idea of letting go. So I don't feel a particular need to prove it either. Obviously if astral projection happened I'd be more than happy to have the experience, and it would certainly be nice to have my awareness in that beast form again. But I can't seem to make it happen, so I'll leave it be.
I don't know if I'll stay back. I more or less wanted to make a little diary entry to put things down from my head and into some kind of order. I don't know if there are people who know or miss me here. I don't know the future of my spiritual path, or of my exploration of my otherkin aspects. I just wanted to write a little something about all this in a place that is at least appropriate, even if it won't be read.
So ah, let's do this! I'm excited to use this blog feature and generally kind of vent things out. It's going to help me process things, even if no one really reads or interacts.
Let's see.... Recently I've had an awakening of sorts. I'm not sure if it's recalling memories or just coming up with some ideas of what my story may include.
About a week back or so, maybe more, I was talking to a few otherkin people on the 3D chat client IMVU and we were all sharing bits about our kintypes, general stories of coming to our kin realizations. I told them about how ever since I was a child, I felt like I was supposed to be a big strong entity with the purpose of protecting something or someone. It's fuzzy how the conversation went exactly, but the feedback that stuck with me was along the lines of "what if you aren't supposed to belong anyone? What if you're supposed to live for yourself?"
That has really changed a lot for me and opened my eyes to some possibilities why I exist in this form at all right now.
This and the combination of watching this video-- "you don't remember how badly you wanted to be here." --turned me around even more. At certain points in that video I could imagine the face of my gargoyle form staring right back at me, perhaps watching.
The thought occurred to me.... Maybe I did belong to someone who summoned or owned me in a past life. But maybe I chose to incarnate as a human to learn how to exist independently. I just wonder what happened to bring an end to my history of belonging to and protecting something else. Did I fail my duty? Did a tragedy occur? My life so far has been full of loneliness, the intense feeling that something large is missing, to the extent that I feel like I'm living on some floating island, totally separate from everyone I meet. Is this the loneliness carrying over from that other dimension, from living without belonging to anyone or anything?
At certain points in my life I felt extremely close to giving in to the loneliness. But with the help of Ryan Cropper's ideas and my own hard labor and thinking... I'm glad I'm alive. I know now that if I would have given in to the sadness those years ago, I probably would have chosen to start all over.
But I'm determined to learn what I came here for. I'm determined to feel at peace with loneliness, to stop looking for some perfect person to belong to who doesn't exist. I will be at peace with myself and this universe, and when it's my time to leave this body I will be ready to continue on to the next step in my spirit's development.
Also I'm pretty excited, last night I started talking to someone on FeralHeart about astral projection, I mentioned how I seemed incapable of doing it. Through maybe two hours of discussion we came to the conclusion that, because of a past mistake of sorts that I mentioned, it's possible that a negative entity has been attached to me for several years now, and is preventing me from separating from the physical. This person seems to be willing to help me detach from said entity and achieve astral projection. I'm very hopeful for this.
Thank you for reading!
I'm sure I'll be venting on my blog a lot.