32 Self-Grilling Questions - Angsty Robot Edition
The original post containing these questions can be found here!
What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)
Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?
Spiritual, multiverse and past life theory as the main ideas behind my beliefs.
When was your awakening (if you had one)?
My awakening has been a really... slow and rocky process that spanned about the past 5 years or so. I'm not sure it can really be counted as an awakening, since it was just a few years of slow learning, refusal, repression and a bit of shame.
If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?
Not quite... But I think what triggered me to search for accurate information on the community was finding out a friend is Otherkin and knowing I'd have someone who wasn't ashamed of me for my identity.
If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?
Like I said, about 5 years of repression and refusal.
If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?
Uncertainty, cluelessness, shame, anger, denial, all that sort of fun scattered through a number of years.
Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?
Yeah, it's been a few years since I started feeling my phantom wings, they were mainly what started my very slow awakening.
Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?
I only new about the tumblr side, which ingrained the idea of Otherkinity being simply for a cute aesthetic and attention, triggering the shame part of my awakening.
Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?
Yeah, somewhat. I knew I was some form of mechanism, or at least partially human with mechanical segments. It took a lot of digging through my memories to figure out I was a full android and disguised as a human.
If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?
I didn't really know what I could do to verify other than wait and try to bring forth my memories. So it was a major game of researching different types of robots and mechanical beings, as well as a while of waiting for enough memories to surface to figure out exactly who I was.
Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?
I don't quite think so, as I always knew I was a machine or semi-machine. There was a bit of a toss-up trying to figure out if I was an android or a cyborg, but that's about it.
Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
I don't quite think so. I can never tell between an involuntary shift and just a swing in my completely unstable personality. Ahh, that mentally ill life.
Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
Mental shifts tend to happen while I'm sifting through my memories. I fall back on the memories of my past life and tend to revert back to a very artificial personality while doing so. I often trigger them while consciously searching through memories, but then they get out of my control after that sometimes.
Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
My involuntary phantom shifts are sometimes just at random, while other times triggered by random feelings in my human body that would have meant trouble for my android body. Especially the sharp pains in my back that are caused by my family's history of bad bone health. If a sharp pain comes through in my back I unfold my mechanical wings on reflex just to make sure they aren't pinching or severing any wires.
Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
Voluntary phantom shifts are something I do often. It feels good to be able to unfold my wings and stretch them out. I find they shift and move in response to how I flex the muscles in my back and move my shoulder-blades.
Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?
If I have had a dream as my android self, I don't really remember it. I'm terrible at remembering my own dreams.
Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.
I also experience aura and sensory shifting. I have been working on seeing my aura for separate spiritual reasons, and when I do see it, forms in the shape of my wings often protrude out from the glow that surrounds my body. As for sensory shifting, those shifts are always voluntary and often a reaction to anxiety or a tense situation. I focus on having the senses of my android self, imagining my sight go red and little text boxes appearing to map out every item or area near me that may be useful or problematic.
What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?
It was mainly the memories that told me that I don't just love robots, I know what it is like to have lived as one.
To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?
I do see myself as currently human, but as an android on a more spiritual level. In my past life I was undeniably, physically and mentally an android, and now I'm hanging on to that life because it is important to me. I don't quite identify as human, I don't feel like I am quite one of the species, but I recognize that I am physically human and have no quarrel with that.
What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?
I once considered it was psychological, as a result of coping due to mental illness. Looking back, I think that was the excuse I used while still ashamed of my identity. Now that I've explored myself and understood my identity, I feel like this is very much a spiritual thing to me, bound around the movement of my soul as it traveled through time and space to eventually reach and create me as I am now.
Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.
I have so many memories that are painted vividly in my mind, some of which have sent me reeling from their intensity. I have memories of release, of being in a human crowd for the first time and viewing vivid colours and busy areas, the fear of being found out, the comfort of finally having someone listen to me and understand me, finally understanding why humans bothered making friends, all the way up to death. The memory of death struck me most intensely, creating a physical sense of overheating in a much less dangerous way then what ended my previous life.
Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?
Not often. I find the area my past self lived in was a very similar to a city I visit often, and basically call my home at this point. The suburban area where my past self's home sat is similar to the semi-city that my college campus is in, where I have easy access through one train to Toronto, a major city with a lot of the buildings, parks, hills, rivers, lakeshores and valleys I remember from my past life.
Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?
Again, mainly the semi-city I live in during college and the main city right near it make me feel connected. I also feel at home in the tunnels that run under my college campus which my program often uses to transport heavy set pieces and props between the two theatres. As for areas I felt disconnected, out in Alberta's prairies where a lot of my family lived. Flat ground bothers me like that. In the mountains it's not so bad.
Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?
I don't think so... My past self's body was very similar to a human's body so there isn't too much different other than the wings which were able to fold in to my back to hide anyways. I'm very glad about that, I'm a super dysphoric trans man, so if I had another type of dysphoria getting to me I'd probably snap.
Do you have any behaviours or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?
Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?
Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?
I have trouble with these three. I have a personality disorder and keeping track of what personality traits are actually mine and which are fabricated by my mental illness is difficult. Adding in another factor is stressing me out.
Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?
I don't think so, again...? Well, there is the severe repulsion to seeing destroyed machines. I have trouble watching action movies for the reasons of car-murder as I call it. Same goes for movies where the antagonist has a lot of robot soldiers and such.
Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?
I think my kintype has allowed me to sympathize a lot more with synthetic beings, so seeing them destroyed a lot in media is very off-putting to me, much worse than human violence.
Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?
I think it's more neutral, as it's had it's ups and downs. Between invasive memories, shame from anti-Otherkin stigma, and the feeling of finally understanding and being comfortable with who I am, there have been positives and negatives.
Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?
Yeah, sometimes I do. Probably something less rare and more easy to find others who identify as the same species I do. Sometimes I wish I could be a wolf or a dragon.
Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!
I think so! I can't think of any more to add.
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