32 Self-grilling questions
(You can find these here: https://www.kinmunity.com/threads/resource-32-self-grilling-questions.2722/ )
What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)
(This is covering all my kintypes for now, I'll do separate later)
Kitsune, Dragon, Demon.
Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?
When was your awakening (if you had one)?
I have always known I was different somehow. I just thought I was an outcast or something along those lines. Around 16 someone told me they thought I was a psychic vampire. This opened a door too a whole new world, however I still felt different. Being a psychic vampire just didn't explain enough. So around 18(?) I asked someone I considered a Sensei why I felt so different. He told me about otherkin and I quickly joined a community. I am just glad that it wasn't a tumblr community. So in terms of realizing I was otherkin I'd say around 18. I honestly believe I had phantom limbs before then but didn't notice them. I don't exactly consider age 18 as my personal awakening. In June this year I have what I refer too as "Cast iron skillet to the face." AKA when everything hits you like a ton of bricks. That all of this is real as the ground we walk on. My bubble popped. I now can not deny this is real.
If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?
I would say my Sensei telling me about otherkin?
If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?
I am not honestly sure. My memory is not great but, I guess I'd say it took a long time? I accepted I was otherkin pretty fast, it felt right. Yet it took a long time to really sink in fully. So honestly I think I consider my awakening to have taken 6 years.
If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?
Due to my issues with astral/phantom shape shifting from another kintype I would say mainly, confusion and frustration.
Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?
Yes I did. I just never knew what they where. I guess they felt natural so I never really questioned them? I also remember that before I knew about otherkin, furry or even pet play I would wear a tail. I preferred a recycled fur tail, my favorite was an arctic fox tail. I would feel naked without one. I also had a cat hat and all sorts of other things.
Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?
If you didn't know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening, how did you come across the community?
My Sensai as mentioned above told me about it.
Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?
NO! I wish.
If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?
It took forever to discover what I was in truth. Dealing with shape shifting from my demonic side just made everything harder. I wouldn't exactly call them cameo shifts because they felt extremely real. Like if what I was feeling was my real kintype. What finally allowed me to discover my kintype was a ton of meditations and sorting through things. Also looking at the "symptoms" I had. It also didn't help that there where barely any demonic kintype resources left.
Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?
A million times, possibly literally. I do not want to list them all because it would be a huge list and take forever. Thankfully I have been able to sort the shape shifting from the actual kintypes which took forever.
Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
I am what the therian considers a contherian. Constant therian. I am always in the animal mindset however sometimes I get spikes where it is more animal then normal. Sometimes I feel myself go full "feral" and I want to get down on all fours and do all sorts of things. I believe that specific increased mental shift is from my kitsune. I've also had ones where I wish to move through solid matter, those ones suck. I believe it is related to my demonkin. I of course also have ones where I wish to fly which I believe is from my dragon kin. As of late the demon mental shifts have been becoming less frequent.
Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
I haven't tried nor am I interested in all honesty.
Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?
I also am a contherian for this. I always have phantom limbs, well more like a phantom body. It just feels like i have a secondary body that is not human.
Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?
Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?
I have not, I'm not even sure what this means exactly. I am always stuck as a human in my dreams (I think they are 1st person) and I hate it.
Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.
I do get sensory shifts from time to time. Like all of a sudden one or more of my senses are heightened. Sometimes to the point of it causing an overload which causes pain mentally. Or with when my hearing goes things can become so loud my ears start to throb. Other then that I don't think so?
What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?
I could go on and on with this one but I think keeping this simple is for the better. The influence is internal on all my kintypes rather then external. I'm sure you can understand what I mean?
To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?
I am stuck in a human body but otherwise I do not believe I am human at all.
What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?
Spiritual. Honestly I have always loved watching ghost hunting and paranormal shows. I also believe that trying to debunk something is necessary. I have experienced many things that can not be explained by any other means then spiritual. I did try to debunk my phantom limbs as being mental in nature for 2 years. I told myself over and over again that they where not real and just a creation of my psyche. Not once did they falter. They where always there. I dealt with feelings like I was being attacked outside of the physical means and debunked that. I've also dealt with sexual encounters. I could go on an on however I'll just say this. I am confident at this point (especially after the cast iron skillet) that this is of a spiritual nature and is not all in my head. I did consider it could possibly be a mental condition but I have been violently jerked from that many times.
Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.
I do have past life memories. They are far and few between, it feels like something is blocking me from all of them. Which I am fine with because my spiritual past I have pieced together does not seem to be a pleasant one. The ones I do have are usually blurry but this one has always stuck out.
I remember being on the roof of what looked to be a Japanese hotel or something close to a large river. I felt myself sitting on all fours with multiple tails gently flipping around behind me. A few ear flicks here and there as well. I was looking down and watching over a festival like a guardian of some sorts. It's really hard to explain but I felt a sense of duty and tranquillity along with happiness. After a certain point I stood up and walked straight off the roof but was still floating in the air, then I started to "swim". No one could see me as I moved through all the people at the festival. I think I stole some food at some point.
The vision was quiet nice and it makes me happy to think back on it.
Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?
No. I think I should but I also think the reason I don't is because I have accepted that this is a new life and it is where I am now.
Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?
I have never really thought hard on this topic. I always feel more at peace when in water, like a bath or swimming pool. I enjoy swimming more however. Next time I go swimming I will pay attention to what I am feeling.
Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?
All the time! I always have found human feet to look insanely weird! I'm not even quiet sure why. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have a pinkie fingers, I'm not sure what kintype is causing this feeling. There have been a few times as a kid where I felt like I should be able to breath under water. I think I tried a few times and I am unsure if I succeeded or was being a delusional kid. I honestly think it was just a delusion. There is also the feeling naked without a tail I mentioned before. There are more but I can't think of them at the moment, of course physical body dysphoria. You can find more information on that in the demonkin group forums.
Do you have any behaviors or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?
I have always been super hyper which I attribute to my kitsune kintype. That tends to fade when I switch into my draconic form spiritually. Switching to demonic doesn't do much of anything for my hyperness. I also love to chase laser pointers and play with many types of cat toys which I also attribute to my kitsune kintype. There are times when I get an extremely relaxed and wise feeling mentally which i attribute to my draconic kintype. I also have horrible organization skills and am very territorial. I attribute that to my demonkin.
However the most predominant one that I experience the most is my fox noises. They come on pure instinct, the squeaking chatter, the yips and yelps. I remember the first time I yipped. My wife scared the crap out of me and it just exploded out of my mouth. Her ears where ringing as she covered them and then pointed saying "your a ******* fox!" I had no idea what she was talking about. I didn't know that was even a sound made by any kind of animal.
Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?
I do not understand this question at all. Does this refer to non-human thought processes? I only have these. I have always known my mental state was different from those around me.
Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?
My humor I'm positive is my kitsune, I can't even explain my humor in words to be honest. However I am sure it is from my kitsune. My chaotic nature is from my demonic side, thankfully that seems to be fading into the background. I don't like being chaotic. My calm demeanor and out of the box mindset for solving problems and looking at situations I believe is my draconic.
Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?
No? I don't believe I do.
Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?
Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?
Positive. I believe it gives me a perspective on humanity that non-otherkin do not have. I honestly feel that non-otherkin tend to be "blind" to the truth around them. Not all are but still.
Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?
I think I'd have to say I like my draconic and kitsune kintypes. I don't want to be demonic anymore. It just causes me problems and just... ugh.
Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!
For now yes. My only suggestion is adding something like "Why do you believe you are this kintype and not something else?"
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