A List and Several Paragraphs
I was looking through [this thread] about identity quirks and thought it might be fun to pick out the ones I share. There are more than I expected, honestly...
Other things I've noticed:
- Sniffing things very closely if they smell new or strange to me
- Baring my teeth when I yawn
- 'Guarding' my food by leaning over it
- Growling when frustrated
- Tilting my head when confused or when I hear something (I'll swivel my phantom ears too, when I'm shifted and can really feel them)
- Hearing electronics (that high-frequency humming. Apparently most people don't notice?)
- Emoting with my phantom ears
- Digging 'like a dog' (It's way more comfortable and way more efficient.)
- Exhaling sharply to get an unpleasant scent out of my nose
- Mouth waters a bit around meat (which is hella annoying since I'm vegetarian)
- Snarling/growling when in pain
and probably others that I'm missing right now for a verity of reasons.
- Issues with light/noise/temperature at times (vampire-shift or autism? who knows?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
- Issues with eye-contact (can do it, but it's not a natural thing unless it's A) someone I really trust or B) someone I don't like at all)
- Preference for night/nocturnal schedules (stronger at times)
- Making odd noises (my most common one is apparently a dhole 'whistle')
- An odd gait that is essentially digitigrade (this may also be do to one leg being the slightest bit shorter than the other)
- Wanting proper fangs (the thought of dental surgery skeeves me a bit though. Frustrating.)
- Feeling peaceful/calm/right in certain, distinct places for no real discernable reason
- Liking the look of intestines (dholes kill by disemboweling so... maybe related, maybe I'm just odd that way)
- Lying on the floor/on my bed sprawled out on my side or curled up like you see dogs do (or...)
- Lying on the floor/on my bed flat on my back with my hands clasped over my stomach (these are the most comfortable positions for me)
- When I was younger, I would run on all fours until it was brought to my attention that it looked odd.
- Young me also played with the pet's toys much more often than my own.
- Young and current me tend(ed) to pat at things we don't understand (or are happy with).
- Current me legit wants a bone to chew on. What the hell.
But this made me feel a bit better about this part of my identity. Whether all or none of these are actually kin-related, I can't really say with absolute certainty, but being able to sit here and list them all like this helps me sort of... conceptualize just how many small things I do and feel and experience that this could potentially be a solid explanation for.
I was feeling very unsure about things before but seeing all this makes it feel like I just might be on the right track. I mean, I've pretty much always felt a bit... disconnected, I guess, from being 'human' in that way. I understand that I am physically, in the same way that I understand that I'm considered medically/physically female, but it never felt like something that was completely, intrinsically right. Someone would refer to me as human and some part of me would want to say 'yes, and' or 'yes, but' or something similar. I didn't really understand it and I didn't really want to look into it on top of dragging myself through school (and life in general at that point). It was just another thing that made me weird and uncomfortable with... everything.
I fell into this, but maybe part of my (probably excessive) questioning is that I'm trying to be unsure that this fits me. Theriotypes/kintypes aside, a non-human identity would explain a lot about me, and if I run it all back to the psychological formation of personal identity, it all looks like it still hangs together well.
Maybe I wasn't so far off considering vampirekin at first. See, when I'm not dhole-shifted (another good sign - that felt nice to type. Like, nice in a calm way), I still don't see myself internally as a 'human', even though my internal image is much closer to 'human' during those times. Having an internal image of myself as 'vampire' in those moments gives me a similar feeling. It's calm and contemplative, but there's also no snarling of wires, if that makes any sense. I feel more capable, more 'at home' in my body with that image of myself, I guess would be the best way to say it. I feel like I can actually use the gifts God gave me instead of being distracted by this background feeling of 'off-ness' that I could never really put a name to.
That's not to say that any of this is a magic bullet - far from it - but it does seem to be smoothing out some of those needless edges. Hell, even learning more about the subject in general helped, just like learning about different sexualities and gender identities helped, but when I considered that it might apply to me, well... At first I figured it just wasn't for me. Not possible.
And then I started thinking, started researching, started searching out people who knew what they were talking about. And a lot of it fit, especially when it was presented psychologically, as a way of relating to the world and experiencing your time in it.
You know what the really ridiculous thing is? All of this came about because I was adding vampires to my synpath page back on tumblr, and this little voice in the back of my head, completely out of the blue, went: 'Are you sure that's right?'
I ignored it at first but that thought hung around and I eventually posted about what I was feeling - all my concerns and all that - and I actually received a very kind and very informative response. That was what really got me looking into this seriously, away from tumblr. That one thought started this. And it wasn't even that long ago, which alternately makes me very nervous about false positives and makes me feel like I've 'figured things out' so quickly because they were always there - I just needed the vocabulary to express them.
Of course, this doesn't mean I'll just stop questioning things. I'm actually going to try to journal more and keep better track of how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing on a day-to-day basis. Let's face it: depression, dissociation, and possible autism spectrum disorder could be messing with my perceptions of a lot of things. (I'd meditate but I don't really have the focus for it, honestly.)
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up because it's slowly turning into a book and it's around 5:30 in the morning here. I should probably try to sleep soon.
For the moment, though, I leave you with these lyrics:
"I won't give up
No, I won't give in
Until I reach the end
And then I'll start again"
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