It's a song lyric and a real question I'm asking myself. And fair warning: I'm going to skip the usual things I do to make my posts less annoying, like pointing out when I'm repeating myself, this time. Just consider this a blanket statement that I'm going to say things you've heard before.
Yesterday's attack was just a preview it seems. I can feel the doubts swarming again, coming just short of a full attack before backing up. It's all the same as before. And last time the swarm did attack in full force, after a long period of TUF, I had a full on nervous breakdown. Hence the song lyrics that's also a question; I need to know if I'm heading in that direction.
We're all so quick to say that being kin isn't something special, that's it's just part of our lives the same way that our humanity is. And if that's true for you, congratulations. It isn't for me. I don't always feel it. I don't even really ever feel it, just side effects of it. And the one side effect that's the strongest happens to be a very negative one. It isn't just another aspect of my identity; it's something that goes to the back of my mind for a while, and then comes out every once in a while to ultimately screw me over. And see, thus is where the doubts begin. Why don't I feel it like others do? Why am I able to forget about it for so long? If I really am kin, why do I feel that part of myself so much less than everyone else?
And it does matter to me, more than I usually make it seem. This has been a constant for more than half of my life, and I'm 27. It's caused me so much pain and annoyance and frustration, and I've put so much time and energy into it. If I'm not kin, all of that was for nothing. Maybe you don't think so, but I do.
And if I'm really putting all of my cards on the table, I want to be what I think I am. It's so taboo to say that I want to be kin, or that being kin is cool and makes my life more interesting. It always has been. We say "it's not anything special, it's just who I am." My guess is that we're worried that if we admit to that, people will think we're faking it, or only using the label to be special. But to me, that's a lie. It is something special.
I know nobody here is going to mock me for feeling this way, but I imagine a few of you are at least rolling your eyes. Maybe you even see these feelings as proof that I'm not kin. If so, you're entitled to your opinion, but as far as I'm concerned you're wrong. Or maybe I don't know you guys as well as I think I do, and someone will call me "coping kin" or something like that. To those people I say: you're not bringing up anything I haven't already thought about.
Now you see why this is such a big deal for me. If I find that I'm not kin, I've wasted 15 years of hard work and bad feelings, and lost a major part of my identity. That's why the doubts scare me so much. That's why I hold them at bay for as long as I do. I try to swat them down because I don't want to face this. If I really let myself accept the doubts, even if I don't follow them, this is what I'm risking.
I need help. The swarm hasn't fully attacked yet, but it's getting there. In other words, I haven't decided that I'm not kin, but the possibility is encroaching more and more on my mind. I always say that I know my kin nature is real because it wouldn't affect me so much if it wasn't. That's why I still believe it is. But that's all I have. And if Iet the doubts attack me again, that might not be enough. I don't want to ignore real possibilities, but I also don't want another nervous breakdown. I don't know what to do at all.
Just remember, if nothing else, that this is important. I myself have told people that it doesn't matter if they aren't kin, and for those people that was true. For me, it isn't. Usually people come to that conclusion pretty quickly, not 15 years later. So it's a bit different.
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