So I’ve talked before about the side effects of being an ACON and having my emotional reactions to things screwed with being enmeshed to a narcissistic parent. This can give great benefits in feeling what others feel.
The downside of this is reflecting back the negative.
In effect the narcissist has created a mirror for emotions that is too scared to ever show anger or hostility to the narcissist. This side doesn’t surface until the narcissist is safely out of view. And when it does emerge the stress, the tension, the anger and frustration is magnified a hundred-fold. The programmed child has no idea how to control this side, and the in-built desire to self-sabotage kicks in to make matters as worse as it possibly can.
I am not always aware of the point the monster wakes, but I always know when it has taken hold.
The monster is clever, smart, quick, it knows how to manipulate other peoples emotions, it seeks out all the right words to say, the right buttons to push, to turn their irritation into anger, their anger into rage, and their rage into violence. It just wants to hurt, it wants to revel in nastiness, it wants to poison and destroy all it touches. It claims to want to be left alone, but it wants people near to strike again and again and again.
I have started to learn the monsters tricks. More and more I sense it coming. More and more I know when it is upon me. I feel its anger in my head, I hear it using my voice. I am learning to stop it. Sometimes dead in it’s tracks. Sometimes only after blood has been shed. It takes such huge strength and determination to stop the monster, but I am learning.
I wish I did not know how to hurt with words, looks, tones of voice. I wish I never turned this anger upon myself to hurt my life, my relationships, my friends, those few I love. I wish I did not know how to destroy.
I guess it has always been easier to destroy than create, but day by day, with the help of those friends and lovers who are either too brave, or too stubborn, to fear the monster, who will ignore it’s rages and fight back against it’s anger, with that help I am learning how to create a better place to be and a better life to live in.
And every day I tell myself over and over again, whether the cold hateful fingers are trying to pull apart my skull or not, I will get better. It can be done. It will be done.
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