NOTICE: This is under HEAVY construction. Much information is not present and some detail has not been given. I am still transcribing my other journals, blogs, diaries, thoughts, etc.
The experiences and situations described below are a cumulative view of my reasoning for identifying myself as otherkin - more specifically, a "western" dragon. While these things independently do not mean much (and pretty much all of them do have alternative reasons that I have considered, much like any other kin's experiences) I believe that together they are sufficient evidence for me to believe what I do in conjunction with how I feel within. This log is meant to be very long and regularly updated. At this time it is by no means complete but serves for personal reference to explain my experiences and periodically re-question myself as I believe this to be important and healthy. There is much to learn about myself yet.
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1. Phantom Shifts
2. Mental Shifts
3. Urges and Behaviors
4. Dreams and Spiritual
1. Phantom Shifts
Phantom shifts are my most vivid experiences. I experience phantom shifts of wings just below the shoulder, formed of flesh but not of feather, uncommon sensations of thick hide and scales layered over and almost "replacing" the sensation of existing flesh unless touched, a tail that is much thicker at the base and tapers to a point made of similar "material", rarely a sensation of "medium sized" horns, frequent claws protruding from my human hands and feet (often matches # of digits - 5 per foot and per hand), and most commonly, a longer "muzzle" of the same type of flesh, with teeth - sharp, decently sized, mostly contained in mouth except for upper canines which sometimes feel exposed. Though rare, full-body or most-of-my-body phantom shifts have occurred. This type of phantom shift usually makes me feel much larger than I am, which at times makes me feel a bit claustrophobic or uncomfortable. Wings feel too large at times to extend and are usually folded. When outdoors, if such a thing occurs or I have the peace to will it, they can feel more extended.
Most phantom shifts only last between a few seconds to a few minutes, and occasionally feel "numb" as though they were asleep, much like when your foot falls asleep. This numb/sometimes tingly sensation has become less common and is now usually indistinguishable from my real body. Shifts are longer and more frequent now than they used to be and can be voluntary or involuntary. The longer the shift, the more controlled the movement of phantom parts feels.
2. Mental Shifts
My understanding of mental shifts is a significant, sometimes complete switch in perception, thinking pattern, etc. This may or may not include prey drive, which for me it regularly does. So far, my mental shifts are not completely bestial. I feel noticeably sentient, even if different from typical human sentience, and maintain some understanding of human language, but cannot often make myself speak and can rarely ever think in words. Instead, mental imagery takes the place of worded thought, often resulting in automatic needs to execute the task I imagined. Hyper-awareness of my surroundings and current situation is almost always a factor. M-shifts can fluctuate in strength, especially when prey drive is a factor.
Prey drive as I understand it is a need to chase and hunt, and is specifically triggered by things I percieve as prey - such as deer. Shifts involving prey drive are certainly more bestial, but never completely and sentience is not typically hindered in a way that is a major danger to me, other creatures, or my ability to function in social settings. Feeding urges, especially those caused by raw meat and similar, are also present and a little difficult to work with when you value table manners as much as I do. Above all else I maintain self-control, but sometimes it's very tempting to let it go out the window.
Mental shifts sometimes come with a feeling of being "larger" than I am. This is separate from a phantom shift in its own, but can sometimes be paired with it. I may perceive myself as larger and more capable of self-defense or intimidation than I am when confronted or in danger, but eventually manage to snap out of this before it causes me much trouble. I don't feel more combative or more inclined to fight, and my anger does not change. It's almost like a Napoleon complex, which is abnormal for me as someone who usually knows full well that they are small and not intimidating. Overall this sensation is infrequent.
M-shifts in general are provoked somewhat frequently, and typically by emotional or environmental stimuli. It is actually very hard for me to induce this type of shift myself as "desired" so I consider it mostly involuntary.
Note: Especially during mental shifts I experience what feels like a strong sensitivity to sound. I am unsure if this is a "sensory shift" or hyperacusis, which can be a symptom of several disorders.
3. Urges and Behaviors
Related to m-shifts are my urges, behaviors and - dare I say it - instincts. Prey drive ties into this as well. Often these behaviors are present in a particularly strong mental shift, but not always. Some of them are low-key but seemingly ever-present, such as urges to resort to four-legged locomotion or urges to vocalize via roars, growls, etc. Others are triggered by environmental or emotional stimuli, much like the m-shifts. Urges to take flight arise regularly, almost like an intrusive thought. But instead of "I should jump off this bridge because I want to fall/die/etc" it is "I should fly off this bridge to get to my house faster." Obviously, I can't do this, and the realization hits me almost immediately. I have a fear of heights but still feel urges to free fall briefly and to spread the wings I don't have.
I am not an adrenaline junkie and don't seek thrills themselves, but rather emulating the feeling of flying. This has driven me to parkour, motorcycles, and some rides like the hang-gliding simulations at Six Flags. My fear of heights is purely based on the awareness that I can't save myself with "my wings" because they don't exist. Most humans are conditioned to be somewhat afraid of heights for a similar reason, evidence of biological success if considered alone but potentially relevant when integrated with my other experiences.
Hoarding behavior (I almost call it a compulsion) is stereotypical but very present. While hoarding involves crystals and coins, it extends to bones, found objects, and gifts from friends. I am very defensive of items I consider part of my personal hoard, and to give something away from it is a sign from me that I trust you implicitly and without doubt. There are three people I feel this way about, and two of them I am dating. I also exhibit a bedding behavior that is a bit of a pain to my boyfriend. I prefer to build a literal nest around me in pillows and blankets and prefer to sleep in the bed backed against the wall facing the door. We set up a makeshift canopy over our bed for a long time to emulate an enclosed "cave" or similar dwelling as well. In youth, I frequently begged for a cave-like bed.
I regularly express and experience disgust, horror, and empathetic fear, pain, etc when dragons in media are maltreated. Normally I'm very chill about animal death, abuse, and similar in media and hardly sensitive to gore. I practice vulture culture and work with animal corpses somewhat often and very intimately - I've been elbow deep in maceration water, even. But dragons specifically being victim of this have almost always felt like personal attacks and I wasn't sure why for the longest time. I now believe this to be pretty relevant. Examples could be the Twilight Citadel area in World of Warcraft, in which drakes are hooked, chained, and hung from limbs or have appendages and tails mutilated. I go out of my way to avoid this area now because it was too much emotion and disgust for me to handle. Writing that left a foul taste in my mouth and image in my brain, if that says much to you.
I have a very severe fear of my own imminent death. I understand a fear of this is normal, but my reasoning is less of what happens after and more that I felt I was living an abnormally short amount of time. The max of 100 years has always seemed wrong, and has felt like it should be much longer, maybe a couple hundred or more. I occasionally experience shooting panic through my body if I ponder the thought for too long, so I will be keeping this short, but I do associate longer lifespans with larger reptiles such as dragons and wonder if this could be a mix of anxiety disorder symptoms and "kin symptoms."
It goes without saying that I experience a sense of familiarity, family, and "home" when immersed in media that involves dragons. To view dragons feels like viewing a family photo, but given the broadness of "Dragon" I haven't yet seen something that looked strikingly like a photograph of myself or something. I will figure out "appearance" based on shifts and any memories I manage to uncover, if I uncover any.
4. Dreams and Spiritual
Yes, I know. "Take dreams with a grain of salt." That's why this is at the end, and not held independently or as a basis, but in conjunction with everything above. I believe dreams can be relevant or simply good motivation to understand oneself better, or spiritually-inclined in some cases. I see no reason to discredit it entirely. It still had a part in my self-discovery being the thing that really got me off my arse.
I was alone in a room in an empty house. There was no furniture in the house, except for a pile of my stuff in the room by the front door as though I had just moved in suddenly and a bed in the bedroom, beside which a cop slept on the floor, in a sleeping bag. The walls of the house were white, the floors were brown wood, and it appeared old and in need of some TLC. A man entered - a very ordinary man in fashion sense, whose face I cannot remember - and handed me a slip of paper that read "Draconis." The cop ran into the room and assaulted the man, then brutally murdered him as my parents, who were outside, rushed me into their car. I woke shortly after.
I took this dream as a symbolic processing of the stress I had been under at the time. I had considered dragon as a kintype and taken an interest in draconic magick for the reasons you see above, but I continued to dismiss it because it sounded absurd to me. Regardless, I never stopped feeling a call to uncover the scaly truth. The dream to me implied that I felt pressured by myself, my family, and the authority figures overall present in my life that inhibited my understanding of my own identity and spirituality. I took it as a dose of motivation and decided to actively start getting some answers. While it was no reveal of a kintype as far as I am concerned, I don't know how far I'd be in finding myself right now if I hadn't had the dream and consumed it as fuel.
I also felt a very urgent need to pursue draconic magick in my witchcraft practice because I was convinced that not only do dragons exist and have access to the arcane and the astral plane, etc, but that perhaps I would get some answers about myself from them. I couldn't explain why, but I felt a dragon would know, and I felt a dragon would be like family with whom I could confide if I befriended one appropriately. I still would like to work with dragons and believe similar (though still different) beliefs. I would like to discuss my potential draconity with dragons through magick if this is in fact possible, but do not wish to base my identity on it. I may try to do this again soon.
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