[Cormo-Rant!] Alone, but not really alone.
I'm alone. As usual. I'm practically synonymous with loneliness. Why, though? I'm surrounded by people. I'm not ALONE. I interact with them. I can talk to them. But why do I still feel so alone?
I've always been this way, though it didn't hit me until a couple of years ago. I could watch people building huge, happy networks all day while I sat in some corner all alone. I watched everyone sit and eat lunch together. I watched everyone pairing up while I continued to just...kind of exist. By myself. That was just the way it was. I never questioned it until recently. Companionship is for other people.
Now, suddenly, it's killing me. I'm still the same lonely observer I always have been, but now I don't want to be. Why? Why must it be this way? Why do I want something that I can't have? I haven't gotten close to having a meaningful connection with anyone in my entire life. What makes me think I can? It would be so much easier if I could just forget about it and move on.
But now I want a meaningful relationship, like I was apparently not meant to have. I don't want to blame fate or other people for it (too much), I know how this goes. "You meet one person with a problem, they've got a problem. You meet hundreds of people with problems, you have the problem." I know the problem is me, I just don't know how to fix it. Or if I even should. I'm hoping it will just go away. It's not going to go away, is it?
So what might be the problem? Why can't I make connections with people? I know I'm a weirdo, but I like to think I'm at least somewhat better at hiding it. Maybe it's politics. But I don't care too much about incompatibility. Those people wouldn't want to connect with me anyway, and neither would I. We've each got our own circles on that one. Is it the way I look? I don't know, I don't look too odd in a plain shirt and some black shorts.
Maybe I should do one of those anonymous polls that lets people say what they think of me without revealing themselves. I did.
They described me as distant, cold, hard to contact, and a whole bunch of other things along those lines. So the problem is that I'm too isolated from people? I could see that, but at the same time I don't think I'm that isolated. It seems the solution is to make myself closer to people. Well GEE I never thought of that! To get closer to someone, I have to get closer to them. Marvelous. Just how am I going to do that, exactly? It feels like I could have done something that simple by now.
Another problem I've heard is that my interests aren't particularly, well, interesting. I'm not the kind of person everyone seems to be looking for, that is, confident and cheerful and always being funny. I'm just not that way. I'm not always sad and stiff either, it's just that I tend to be less...boisterous. I guess this makes me boring.
It seems that my choices, then, are wait for someone who can get past all of that, or wait until I get desperate enough to force myself to be someone I'm absolutely not. I guess I can always keep waiting for someone to just suddenly come across me, and hoping that they'll stay. I've been doing that for as long as I can remember, though, and no one really sticks around. I've made friends, sure, but they're not close. Most of them aren't so much "friends" as they are "political allies," we know each other because we have similar goals. That's about it.
I'd love to have someone I can be comfortable with. I see people taking pictures together and hugging and always sticking together, I wish I could have that. I just can't bring myself to. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I have to be this way. Everyone seems so far away.
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