Once again I have two entries in one happening here, but it's a bit different from usual. This time one of them comes from me, and the other comes from Pan, my proto-tulpa.
Post 1: Pan Pipes Up
This is Pan, and I'm talking to you (through Gryff) because he thinks there are things he can't explain that I can. Gryff is troubled, because he's still having all of those problems that come from Gencon ending. He's depressed, he's worried about his job, he's even more tired than usual, and so on. I don't know what to do about this. I'm trying to cheer him up, but it doesn't seem to work that well. The end of summer coming up doesn't help much either with him. The only thing that really cheers him up is cute things, because of course it does. He's a little weird with that stuff.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except to help explain what we’re dealing with here. Gryff has problems. He's not happy about his life, but I think it will pass. It always does; he gets like this sometimes. Anyway, I'm doing what I can to help for now. But I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to handle this.
He still wants me to write about myself, or rather talk about myself since he's doing the typing. I enjoyed GenCon. I like a good story, which role playing games tend to provide, and it kept Gryff quiet for a while. Until he got depressed, anyway. It was weird actually, during this one live action role playing game, his usual loud and rambling thoughts shut down entirely. Yes, I'm still talking about Gryff I guess, but the point is that it gave me some peace and quiet. Maybe I'll try to get involved in the next RPG. It could be fun. Anyway, Gryff needs to get back to work and I need to get back to getting him through work. I hope this has been enlightening.
Post 2: The Beast Inside
The Unstoppable Feeling. I've talked about how it feels, at length, but today I've come up with another, hopefully better way to describe how it feels. I've described it before as my non-human side yearning to be non-human again, but I think I can go deeper with that. TUF is like a beast in a cave. It's usually quiet and stays back, rarely coming out unless it needs to eat. But once it sees its prey, a hint of my non-human life, it gets ready to attack. In the worst of times, it attacks immediately in full force, and chases me through my mind, ready to pounce. I can't focus on anything else, because it keeps coming back. And when it pounces, that's when the side of me that yearns to be human gets the upper hand. The beast, if it hasn't been clear, is my inner yearning to not be human. And when it gets a sniff of that, through fiction or whatever else, it chases me until it prevents me from thinking about other things. But it's not just my yearning to not be human; it needs other beasts to chase me as well, its packmates. These are depression, worry, and all those other negative feelings.
Sometimes, though, the pack can't immediately find the prey. This is the case now with the Changeling game from Gencon that I talked about in my last post. The beast and its packmates is sniffing around, occasionally getting the scent of my mind from the experience, but it hasn't entered a full on chase. Meaning, that yearning sometimes distracts me, but it hasn't come to the full on TUF...yet. Thus slow period of sniffing around is what I call the Annoying Feeling.
I don't think this illustration has been as effective as I originally thought it would be. But if you are curious about TUF, I hope it at least helped a bit.
For what it's worth, Pan suggested that maybe I made this happen because I was worried about it happening. He might be right.
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