OK, first blog post, and if I end up biting off more than I can chew over forgive me if certain things make no sense and to be clarified in future posts.
So I've already talked in my intro and profile about a deep sense of empathy - I seem to sense the moods of people and animals around me. Especially if I'm in close proximity or touching.
This is kind of complicated by being an ACON, (I'll do that justice in a post of it's own if I can bear to) and a mediator type, so if I pick up that someone is unhappy or angry I instantly feel it's all my fault and must fix the situation right now. Apologies to anyone who may encounter me jumping in with both feet - only to have them land in my mouth!
So I've also talked about these waves of emotion I started getting once I began exercising. I'm also aware I can act very differently when I'm down, moody, or just sulky. Knowing I didn't have a happy/supportive childhood I decided to try some regression deep-meditations to look for childhood memories to help identify what triggers my mood swings and insecurities.
Introduction over, now for the real story:
I've done short mind-calming meditations before, so know I can, and used breathing and stuff like that before, but this time I wanted to go longer, deeper and further back.
So my first attempt at going back was being led into a childhood "happy memory".
After being so deep in meditation I had lost all feeling and contact with my body, and my mind was completely detached from everything.
I had a clear sensation of existing and being at peace. I couldn't see properly, only a sensation of the differences between light and dark, and hearing was weird too. Like I was underwater, or my ears weren't working right.
Anyhow I've reflected on this a lot since and think it must be a sensation I felt when I was so small my eyes and ears hadn't stated working properly yet, so sub 6 months maybe?
I tried this again the next night, and had a similar experience, calm, couldn't see or hear properly, but this felt totally normal. I had a really strong sensation of something warm and fluffy against my face and arm. As an adult I know exactly what the feeling was, I have it quite often, it was a cat smuggling up against me, and I felt the cat's fur against me. The weird thing is my parents never acknowledge having a pet cat. My father once mentioned in passing that they "inherited" a cat at the house they lived at when I was born, but no other mention.
I didn't know I liked cats until much later in my life and have no memory of a cat in my childhood at all, so I'm really glad to have found this memory. Makes me realise I didn't just turn into the make equivalent of a mad cat lady in my thirties, it's been there my whole life.
The third time I tried this was really disturbing, and I think I'm getting somewhere now. This time I was not content, and this was no happy memory.
I was wrapped up, and now I could see. There was fabric round my face, and for me it looked like I was looking up a fabric tunnel to a patch of light. Suddenly a face appeared and it was grotesque and orge-ish, like a leering goblin, and I was sure it meant me harm.
I was certain it was my interpretation of my older brother, who would have been 2 at the time. I've kinda realised recently that he's been a bully in my life for a long time, but was really shocked to realise it went right back to the start! I shouldn't have been surprised really - rejected older child syndrome and all that - but my brother wasn't ignored in favour of me, in fact he was the golden child as I was growing up.
Anyhow, I'm letting that last little lot settle before trying any more. There may be more to come.
I know this isn't terribly kin or other related yet, but we'll see where it goes. Still buzzing over the fact that one of my earliest memories is cat related. And if I can find what triggers my doubts, angers and mad actions, maybe others can learn from my mistakes.
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