This isn't the first time I've realized this, but it is the first time I've really put it together.
It used to be that, for most of the time, I didn't even think about being non-human. If something came up that triggered kin related feelings (including but not limited to TUF), I'd have it in mind for a few months at most, and then it would just sort of float to the back of my head. That's why I usually ended up drifting away from forums so much, and why in a few cases I've worried that I might permanently drift away from this one eventually.
But for whatever reason, things are different now. This has been growing since "The Great TUF of Gencon 2014" as I like to call it, and it's now at the point where I think about being non-human pretty much daily. There are a number of reasons I think this is the case. The biggest and newest reason is "Pan." It's sort of obvious, I guess: I learned about the whole tulpa thing here, and my proto-tulpa takes a form (and name for that matter) reminiscent of my kin type. He's around all day every day, of course, so it's not like I can forget about him. And thinking about him means thinking about the kin community and my own identity therein. So as long as "Pan" is around, my mind will be on my kin nature.
But like I said, this trend predates my proto-tulpa. I'm not 100% sure that The Great TUF of Gencon 2014 is really the start, but I think it played a role. It was about 3 weeks of my thoughts being largely consumed with TUF and my non-human nature in general. I've been dealing with TUF or similar things for my whole life, but this was on another level. I think an event like that is bound to make a permanent impression, and it pushed me to learn more about myself and my kin type. It and other bouts of TUF eventually lead me to the next reason for the change: Kinmunity.
As you likely know if you're the kind of person reading my blog, this isn't my first kin forum, not by a long shot. I think it's number 6; I've lost count. But it's definitely the best. Everyone is understanding and pleasant enough that even though major disagreements have taken place, not even the worst of them were so bad that I left the site. I've thought about it, as my blog archive shows, but I'm still here. And since I feel so comfortable here, I come here a lot. Obviously I'm thinking about being non-human while I'm here, and that's a thought that lasts.
The last thing might be the most important: I'm more comfortable with my knowledge and understanding of my kin type than I've been in a long time. I don't know how conscious the connection has really been for me, but one way or another, people tend to avoid thinking about topics that might make them uncomfortable. So at least partially subconsciously, I didn't want to deal with those questions. The change here really began with the demon theory, as it finally caused me to depart from the centaur label that I hadn't felt was totally accurate for quite a while. It was a best guess. Adding the demon theory to everything else helped me come to I think my best theory yet, and it (and my friends here) helped me realize that maybe there wasn't a word for what I am. So I did something I tend to do a lot: I made up a term of my own. The fauntaur label has its fair share of problems, but I think it's the closest I've come to accurately discovering what I am.
All of these things together mean that the non-human side of my life has a much bigger place in my head. Sometimes that might be a bad thing, like when I have to deal with TUF. But otherwise, I think it's good. It provides a connection back to that part of my identity that I've been lacking. And it's always good to know yourself.
Moon Shadow Rayne likes this.
You need to be logged in to comment