I feel like a hypocrite. Because, whether someone says they're having trouble figuring out whether they're otherkin or not, or finding their kintype, or anything related to being otherkin, I ask them - how do you feel? Because I think feelings are what are important, when it comes to this. It's not about spiritual beliefs or dysphoria or any traits someone happens to have - it's how they feel on the inside.
Yet I never talk about my feelings. Or, well, not properly. Not to their full extent. I always try to play things down, make them seem like less than they are, because deep down I think I'm still horribly insecure about my identity. I don't know why... and here, of all places, I should feel comfortable enough to explore that. But I can't. Because I'd rather pretend I don't have these feelings at all. They still feel like a weakness I don't want anyone to know about, because I'm worried someone will use them against me. Or maybe just that everyone will think I'm crazy or delusional or something.
And whenever I post something that even vaguely touches on my real feelings, my social anxiety kicks in and I start regretting it, and thinking I'm stupid for saying it, or thinking I sound crazy, and then I just want to sink into the ground so I can never say anything to anyone ever again.
I've been told the only way to get over anxiety is to face it... sooner or later, I'm going to have to try and get over it.
It's just so hard.
So maybe I'll try. Maybe I'll start using this blog more often, and maybe I'll try and be a little more open, and a little more honest with myself. This is my blog, after all. That's what it's here for.
Most likely, though, I'll just forget I ever wrote this, and not make any effort to change at all, because anxiety is hard and feelings are hard and dealing with both at once is very, very hard.
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