Feelings, the color blue, and past lives
No, not mixed up all at once. Just a bunch of thoughts that I'm combining into one post. Also, it's raining and I painted my nails traffic cone orange and I'm eating bean sprouts. Just thought you needed that information to continue.
I'm not so sure how I feel about past lives. Do they exist? I kind of hope so because that would mean reincarnation exists and I want it to, sort of. I lean towards the idea that it happens, but I don't trust "past life memories" because the way I think reincarnation happens wouldn't allow memories to be brought over. So I think the "memories" aren't quite right. But I don't have total certainty on what actually happens, so in case past life memories are real, here's one I think is a candidate: this really vague "memory" I have of being in (I think) Japan sometime before the 20th century. I hardly "remember" anything at all, and I didn't understand what the people were saying. I was put into a basket at one point. I was on a boat at another point. It lines up pretty well with the idea of cormorant fishing, which was practiced in Japan around that time. The cormorants were put in baskets, too. I did have this "memory" before I knew about cormorant fishing, so...maybe? Who knows. Not me.
Blue was once my favorite color. I thought it was so gorgeous and vibrant. Now I look at blue and think it's a drab, boring color. I also can't find my former-favorite shade of blue anywhere, either. It was a deep blue-purple-but-more-blue and now it seems to have disappeared from the planet. I even remembered where I had seen it before and looked and no, it's gone. All I see are drab dark blue shades. Could I have lost some of the ability to see the color blue? Or maybe I just remember the color as brighter because I liked it more? Or maybe colors really are disappearing.
And feelings. UGH feelings. Why can't I control my feelings, everything would be so much easier. It seems I've got three main feelings, 1: annoyingly happy, fun, confident, motivated and gonna-go-rule-the-world, 2: neutral robotic but relaxed, 3: sad, can't be motivated, just want to sleep or die preferably die, lonely, oh god kill me now please. Of course there are others, but those are the main ones. Sometimes I get a mix of these three, or it will change during the day, but usually I'm stuck in one of these for a couple of days at a time. It's kind of annoying. 2 is probably the best as far as being acceptable goes, but 1 is more fun. It's the only time I don't give one single damn about what people think of me. If I could just figure out how to get all of the confidence and motivation and fun-to-be-around of 1 with the rationality of 2 and just eliminate 3 entirely, my life would probably be perfect.
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