Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I started logging these things, whether they happen around me or affect my own sense of realness. Maybe there's a pattern.
06/06 - Today I half lost my sense of touch, hearing, movement. I feel like I don't exist, like a ghost in a sense of being here, but not here. I found myself thinking 'would I see someone else in the mirror?' And even then I look up and it feels like relief.
07/06 - I don't think me dissociating is due to stress all the time. In instance I was just happily stood in the shower this morning - hello sudden feeling/thought of 'is this stuff partially going through me?'
09/06 - Saw things today at work, the first one was of like a black-haired child running under my desk to hide, which I only saw the top of their head and a bit of forehead, then the next two were shadows on my desk of no-one behind me.
10/06 - I still feel like a ball of stuff (I know, so technical). I don't know why. Cameo shift of what felt like ears, but more on the top of my head.
16/06 - Left arm feels weird, like its not mine/isn't meant to be there, like a dead weight in a way. It's strange, although the strangest thought that went through my head, was like I was just renting it... Now that was a weird thought. It's so strange though, it's like I don't... Own? It, in a way. It's just there. It's here, I can move it, just at times it doesn't feel like it's my own, attached in that way. At times it does feel like my brain itself is just housed, as in it's like I can feel the space between my brain and my skull (don't ask how), but the arm is just weird.
17/06 - I have this horrible thought in my head that I'm just essentially renting this body... Then I want to write something but it'll sound like a suicide note and I don't want it taken that way even though I have the strange thoughts of that even this time is ending and I don't know what to do...
21/06 - Today, it happened again, I seemed to lose my mental 'connection' to my left arm, which resulted in me freaking out over my left hand for a time 'Why is this here? What's with the design?'. Hours later, still feeling disconnected from my left arm, for a brief moment my right hand started going. I must have looked so strange just flexing everything and trying to make it mine again.
23/06 - Thinking of that, reminds me when I was at work last week, in front of the machines I vaguely felt like I was being watched, so I looked up and saw this human form that looked like it was made out of that heat haze... Stuff. All moving, swirling. Right hand started going again, but not fully.
24/06 - On the drive to work, I've had flash 'visions' involving a shadowy figure with glowing red eyes staring at me. Kinda like my profile picture in a way, but in a humanoid form.
27/06 - I swear I hallucinated at least twice today... First it was a silver/white sedan-like car parked in a spot, when I next looked it wasn't there. Next was when I was looking at a card (chip-side up, nothing reflective) it was like there was a hole straight through the card and I could see my fingers.
28/06 - I think the most frightening one today was me just looking down at a strange feeling and seeing my badge swinging crazily (a lot more force must have been behind it, I barely move it even if I knock it). Sent me into a panic. On peripheral vision, a stack of boxes kept looking like a dark-haired woman in a long dress, and I kept feeling like I was being watched.
29/06 - Distances seeming like paintings - a sense of depth, but looking flat. The piercing sound of crying children... The floor of the bureau seeming to move and swirl, and drag me down. Heard the male voice of 'well why not?!' In an aggravated tone
02/07 - A more crisis of identity this time. It has come to that point in my life where I get infuriated just by the sound of my parents voice, to the point where I think the darkest thoughts. Just came out of nowhere, this feeling of just... Distaste, piercing sound, annoyance and pure infuriation. And it's not even invasion of privacy, no, this is just... Odd. I feel odd, things pulse and ebb and flow inside right now, I seek both isolation and company, both silence and noise. It's just here. Why do I feel like this, or that I'm going to explode with something? It's warm inside, it's nice but it's pressure, somethings going to just go bang. Something makes me feel uneasy, uncertain. I don't know anymore, are these even my thoughts? That ball of stuff still remains in the same place.
Including the thoughts of 'I hate this place' 'this isn't my home'.
The fact I can actually say "I don't know who or what I am" is upsetting.
03/07 - Somehow I don't think I can yell over dinner "will you two shut up? I feel like I have enough voices in my head without yours echoing around in that annoying tone!". This day feels strange, like I half exist, I can feel that ball inside briefly.
Yotefeather likes this.
You need to be logged in to comment