I'm not honestly sure what I am, but I know I don't feel 100% human. I understand that I'm human in much the same way that I understand that I'm considered female. But understanding that does little to clear the rest of it up. Why am I feeling like this? What's the reason behind it? Did I honestly develop a non-human identity as a result of coping with my underlying sense of 'otherness' when compared to the rest of the world?
From research I've done, many of my traits line up with a dhole (as we sort of saw in the last entry). I'm not exactly head-over-heels for dholes. They're neat, sure, but they're not the be-all end-all. That's not really an issue though since kintypes can easily be weaker in that sense than heart-types.
I guess I'm rather curious about how other experience kinity - is it like what seems to happen with me, or am I simply misreading things?
-- Here's the issue, from the 'therianthropy' side of this equation:
Fact: I appear to have many natural/subconscious traits which line up with canines in general, and with dholes in specific, both in individual behavior and in social structure.
Conclusion: It is possible that I am a dhole threian since these behaviors are not a conscious choice.
Concerns regarding above conclusion: My kintype does not often cross my mind. It's not exactly 'background radiation' in my life - I act how I act. Knowing that my behaviors do line up with an animal is very nice, but that specific knowledge doesn't play any kind of major role day-to-day. I'm unsure how common that is.
Maybe I'm just looking for things to be difficult, or maybe it was far too early to make any kind of call, but whatever is going on in my head, I sort of feel like I've taken shortcuts. I don't like shortcuts.
-- And then there's the issue of my 'possible vampirekin' thought process:
Currently: I feel this is possible. I was originally leaning toward vampire-hearted, but it looks as though that would require a very strong liking/connection, and while I certainly do like fictional vampires, they're not something I obsess over in any sense. When I think about them at length, I'm usually thinking about the philosophical and psychological implications of their stories - or possibly the art/aesthetic involved. (Essentially, if I were to meet an actual, fictional vampire in this world, my reaction wouldn't be to 'fangirl' over them - I'd be curious about who they were with (kiss/coven/etc.), whose territory we were in, whether I needed to be perceived as a threat or not, and so on.)
Possible conclusion: This natural inclination toward these small ins-and-outs of interactions (combined with my own natural habits and unconscious traits) may be indicative of kinity.
Possible alternate conclusion: All of these feelings are rooted instead in personality quirks, issues with depersonalization and depression, and the result of being an INTJ with a high IQ and a creative/artistic outlook.
And the largest issue of all, for me, is the fact that I don't know. I can't know. The concept of identity is a very malleable thing in many ways and coming to a complete, 100%, no doubt left conclusion about it is all but impossible.
So I remain.
I know that questioning is a very good thing. I know that these two types explain a lot about me, and help me to not only understand myself and my behaviors but that considering these two things to be a part of my identity - as a part of what makes me me - makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin, which is something that has hardly ever happened before.
It's clearly not the same as a coping mechanism though. It feels more like a simple explanation for things. 'This is why you're weird.'
And I doubt a lot, but then I start looking through the evidence and a lot of things click in. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it just makes me feel like I'm overlooking everything that disproves my theory, but at the same time, is it really possible to disprove the way you interact with the world?
It's all feeling very complicated right now. I feel like I either have the answer and just have some hang-up with really accepting it, or else I'm way off and picking up on it before my logic catches up. But I'm running in circles right now, so I think I should leave it at this for the moment.
If anyone stumbles across this and would like to chime in, I would love to hear from you.
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