Ever reading the copies of the papers that contains my official diagnosis of my PDD-NOS I have feeling down moments. I try to keep it short as possible:
Basicly I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when I was 13. As a 13 year old girl I always played alone outside school and had little friends. I had trouble understanding people emotions and didnt know how to respond to that. I needed structure and no change and I am quickly experience sensory overload when I am in busy areas. Talking about my feelings is also very difficult for me. Heck, I dont even make eye contact with people. I was always viewed as the different one at that time since I behaved not normal.
Reading all this makes me feel like that again. It never got away. Seeing how others can speak with eachother makes me feel more alienated. In order to go through life I needed to put on a mask and pretending I was happy (I dont do that anymore). I still feel alienated in almost every place. My purpose was of joining a community was that I could break free of these feelings and be finaly who I can be online what I cant really do in real life except around my few friends. At first glance it seemed to go well for almost a year but once again it needed to return. I was finaly happy and could be who I was but at last it wasnt meant to last forever. Once again I am that social awkward wallflower that doesnt know what to do in conversations. Once again I push people away who I viewed once as friends and try to be the loner as I was in the past since I dont know how to react to the feeling of being accepted and part of a family. One part knows this but my brain doesnt know that. When it comes in it tries to place it but since it doesnt know how to react to it it quickly disregard it under the assumption people just say it because I want to hear it and nothing more and makes me once again the loner that I thought I finally shedded of me. My brain doesnt make assumption of yes I am accepted here and stuff. It goes as far to let me think I have no friends. One part knows the exact opposite but the majority of me makes me feel otherwise.
I dont know anymore what to think but right now I can say:
I feel alone.
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