I know, I already posted today and it's usually when things are really bad that I post more than once. Kin-wise things are overall ok, but it's other things that have been causing trouble. And since work is (basically) over, I can continue from the stuff I was talking about before. There are three topics I want to cover: issues in my daily life, new thoughts on old theories, and Pan. But I won't necessarily hold myself to specific subjects.
Every time I think things are getting better at work, that ends up being incorrect. I'm still very busy, and I can't concentrate at all. I am on medication for my ADD but lately it hasn't been helping me too much. Similarly, I'm back to my old worrying habits. I spend more time worrying about doing things (like playing video games for example) than actually doing them. I get so worried about what to do when and for how long. Should I play this game or that one? When should I play the other one? When should I call my doctor? And so on and so forth. The stress has me in a bad mood and I have trouble interacting with my friends. Sometimes I feel like I'm always being a jerk to them. I don't mean any of it badly, but it sounds bad. It doesn't seem like they mind too much, but it worries me. It's hard to fix these things.
And yet, for some reason, kin stuff hasn't been bothering me much lately. I'll get the Annoying Feeling once in a while, but that's it. But I have been thinking about it again, like I said earlier. I want to point not just to my "fanciful theories" but also to the story that I wrote about them (and potential flashes of past life memories) a while back. It's called "The Demon's Crown" (though the subject line in the Meadow Theater is "Story Of My Life"). Despite that subject line, it was never meant to tell what I believe to be a true story about myself in a past life. And yet, lately I've been wondering if it's closer to the truth than I originally thought.
Since I'm assuming most of you haven't read the story, here's a recap. Long ago in an Arabian kingdom called Rabiah, there was a young prince named Griff (that's Griff with an "I," not a "Y.") He was power hungry and greedy, and jealous of his cousin, the king. Stealing the king's position would be impossible, so Griff conspired to steal his crown instead. His plot involved destroying a shrine to the kingdom's patron god. The god, angry with Griff, transformed him into a demon (that looks pretty much like my avatar) to let his greed consume him.
Again, I don't think this is a true story of a past life. But the key element of it ties into my fanciful theories: the idea that in a past life I was a human who did something bad and was transformed into a fauntaur. I've dismissed this theory as comically unlikely in the past. But lately, I really can't help but think that it's true to some degree. I know it's pretty ridiculous. One might even call it arrogant, given that it involves a very powerful being caring about me. But honestly, it's still the best theory I have for why FT (forced transformation) affects me so much. And since that is key to TUF, which is the key to my kin nature, it adds up more than I could admit in the past.
Who really knows? Not me. But would it be so crazy if this became my main theory? Would fellow kin who don't know me think I was being ridiculous? Heck, would you guys think I was being ridiculous? And more importantly, could I really accept it? I guess I'll just have to try and find out.
And finally, I want to update you guys on Pan, my proto-Tulpa. His appearance has changed a bit, based on what's easy to keep consistent and what I came up with when I tried to make him as a character in Soul Calibur 5. His personality is finally starting to even out as well; he's agreed to lighten up a bit. That being said, he's still a proto-Tulpa. He's not fully independent yet. But I have gotten better at telling the difference between what he's thinking, what I'm thinking, and what he's saying. So that's good. I've also found that it feels really weird when he's not responding (he tends to "sleep" early in order to give me some alone time before bed.) We've definitely made good progress.
But that's my side of the story; I'm going to let him sort of talk now. As before, it'll be more than he's dictating to me than that he's typing.
"First of all, I don't understand why Gryff wants me to talk. It's not like I'm fully independent, so it doesn't mean a lot. I only started bugging him about getting things done because he needed me to, and he wanted me to. But today I agreed to 'lighten up' so let's see what happens there. It's not that he's not capable of figuring himself out, he just doesn't get it sometimes. But he wants me to talk about me, not him. I...don't have a lot to say. I am becoming more independent, and I like that, but it's not like he's going to go all the way. I'm pretty happy with the appearance I ended up with, even if it was taken from a real person in part. I'm looking forward to when I'll be able to actually talk to you directly, and not through 'dictating' to Gryff. Some day, I hope."
So that's where we are. All I know is that GenCon is next week, and I can't wait for it. Despite the potential issues I noted before, it's always a lot of fun. I'll be sure to report back afterwards!
EDIT: Wow, on the way home from the bus stop just now I realized something. Or it could be that I've already mentioned this and then forgot about it. Anyway, as an extension of my obsession with transformation, I've always (and I mean always) found myself thinking about exactly how I'd determine and word my wishes to a genie. I have to keep reminding myself, even to this day, that genies aren't real. And what region do the kind of genies I know about come from? The same ones that would fit the "Arabian" theme of my potential past life memories. So maybe this lends a bit more credence to my theory.
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