Just some stuff I need to get off my chest. Anyway the last time I dont feel quite happy. I do experience this annoying feeling for a few years now and despite seeking help it just doesnt want to go away. I explain anyway since keeping it to myself will do more harm then good.
It all started some 2 years ago when I was in the community for a while. Everyone knows how I lost my father and aunt at a young age of cancer and had traumatized me in some ways. Anyway when this feeling surfaced I didnt knew what it was. Yet it made me sad and lonely. I talked about it and heck even created some well drama. Anyway I have discovered last year it is actually the fear of being left behind when I am close with people. Since I was close with my father and aunt it is no wonder why I have this fear. At a young age when confronted with the concept of death and pain I never got enough time to process it good. Especially since the disease struck not long after my father caugh it. To this day the fear refuse to go away. People sometimes wonder why I keep pushing people away well the fear of being left behind it the biggest cause of that. Altough a small part of me knows the opposite I still refuse to be close to people. In my mind being a loner without having much close friends will do me less harm when I am left behind. While it is great to see other people having that whole family thing with the community I however feel left out because of this fear. I try to be a part but when people say I am a part of the family that is where I become afraid and start to push people away. Not afraid of being judged but afraifd that what I would consider family will also leave me behind at one point and I am alone again like what happened in the past.
I try to overcome it but no luck. Despite the support of Adela I still cant find myself to get used to the family feeling especially since most part of my life I was alone, played alone and stayed in my room. The only place where I could be free and knew I would never be left behind. But unfortunaly that decision did more harm then good. To this day I try to interact with others but the fear doesnt let me feel that whole family feeling. I have sought help before and also talked about it all but still it is no use. I am not leaving the site or anything dont get me wrong on that.
At this point I dont know how to deal with this and despite Adela's best efforts the fear still is a pain in the neck and makes me feel aiienated from the ommunity. I dont want that but I dont know how to overcome the fear either. I am stuck between 2 different me's. One that wants to interact and be part of the community and one that doesnt and makes me feel alone and stuff. I try to be the first one but no use. I just dont know what to do aymore. At those moments I hate myself for being the latter me. Being a broken mess.
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