I've used lyrics from "Given Up" as post titles a few times, but I don't think I've ever gone with this part.
Remember how I said, in my last entry, that I don't know why I've been posting so much? Well, now I do. It's because if I don't, I'll explode from the pressure. So let me get the disclaimers out of the way right now. First, this particular entry is whiney and full of first world problems, but that doesn't mean it isn't really bad. Second, this post is not kin-related. Third, as always, I might make things sound more dramatic than they really are; it's just how I write.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's almost like I'm subconsciously trying to get myself fired. I don't want to lose my job, but my job has become a living hell. There's always too much to do, so things always fall through the cracks. Every day my boss gets mad at me about something. And after weeks of trying to hold things together as well as I can, and trying to complete everything quickly, and trying to focus with no improvement, I've just lost my motivation. It's not like I'm lazy or not trying. I've fought for a long time to keep things going. I never complained. But after throwing myself at it for so long and seeing it get worse and worse, I just have trouble mustering the motivation and energy to get all of my work done.
Now in addition to all of my normal existing work, I have to train in some new things that I'm going to be transitioning into, and the coworker training me can be a bit if a pain. And again, I'm trying my best, but it's so hard to care.
What I really need is to keep working on finding a new job. But while I'm working full time, especially in such a soul crushing situation, it's hard. By the time I get home from work during the week, I'm far too tired and unhappy to focus my efforts on the job search. And time that I set aside for it on the weekend lately has been interrupted by me dealing with my computer dying and having to replace it, not just in terms of getting a new computer but also in terms of getting that new computer in a state where I can consider it "complete" meaning that everything is installed and backed up and downloaded and ready to go.
I'm going to get back to that, because that leads into another significant big issue. For now, let's consider the job situation. I need to spend more time working on finding a new job, but I keep finding that I just can't get myself to do it after work. It doesnt help that i already feel like I dont have time for other things. Ineed to devote a good chunk of the weekends to it, because I'm desperate now. It's not just that the (ever increasing) time I spend at work is really bad. It's also the money situation. I paid off part of the cost of the new computer by selling a bunch of my Magic cards, but that didn't do that much. I'm now in the worst financial situation I've been in since...ever, actually. Between Thursday or so when my monthly mortgage payment goes out, and the 15th when I get my next paycheck, I'll have less than $100 in my bank account. I thought I was being cautious, I really did. But I'm always wrong when I think that. I need to track it better. There was a time when I didn't have to consider the budget effect of every single purchase, be it important or not. I miss that time. Now every decision has to be super careful, and I have to force myself not to spend money on certain things that I otherwise would. The problem is that it was such a huge drop, relative to the amounts involved, and I've had no time to adjust. Even then, I never imagined during my trip that I would have to get a new computer upon getting back.
I discovered the direness at work today, after which I once again retreated to the bathroom to get through my freakout. I do indeed hyperventilate sometimes. And it's not getting better. It really isn't. I seriously don't know what to do. Mustering the energy to find a new job is so much harder than I thought it would be.
But the worst thing is, I had another worry. There was something else bothering me. It was something pointless, but an instance of a serious issue for me. I had just finished a game I'd been playing on my phone since my trip to Europe. It's called 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors, and it's part of the Zero Escape series. The game's true ending was a bit vague in certain ways. Which for most people would probably be fine. But not me, because I can't let things go. It's a nasty issue that I find flares up sometimes, and it makes things harder for me. In this case, it started with just looking up the ending. But from there I learned that to truly know what happens to the characters, you need to play the sequels. And every game in this series has a large number of endings. And the ending paths are confusing. I read through plot details just enough to know what was going on, but not enough for unnecessary spoilers. When it became clear that the main characters from this game end up worse for wear in the sequels (especially the first sequel), this created a negative mood for me. As I've made clear before, I connect way too much with fictional characters. And I couldn't rest until I (a) knew which endings in which games were the best ones, (b) knew exactly how to get those endings, and (c) had several plans to actually get the second game. All the while I knew it was dumb and I knew I was better off using that mental energy on my job and job search, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't let myself leave the topic without a satisfactory resolution.
My main plan for being able to play the second game, mind you, is to rent it. And this would involve returning Odin Sphere already. After all the concern I had about it, I barely played it, and I never even got to the part with FT. The game just didn't grab me. It's a tough choice. "Pan" suggested that I don't play either and just play a non-emotionally-problematic game like Muramasa, especially since whatever I choose I'll drop in about a month when Pokémon Sun and Moon come out. But the real issue here is my inability to let it go.
It's the same problem with my computer. I could have gotten the new computer, set up the essentials, and installed other things at my leisure. Instead, I wouldn't let my attention drift until I had everything set up to a certain point, wasting time I meant to use for the job search. It's also the same thing with my time management. I spend so much time worrying about whether I have time to do things that I don't give myself enough time to actually do things.
I'm already feeling helpless and hopeless at work, and this just makes it worse. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't focus and I keep driving myself crazy over things that aren't important. And I just can't help it.
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