(I'm proud of that subject line; it works in two ways)
I take things far too personally. I know this, and I've mentioned this. And when that problem intersects with kin issues, which are already very personal, things get difficult. I recently posted a rant on the forum, and the replies were all well intentioned and well thought out, but it seemed to me like some weren't entirely seeing what I was trying to say. That's why I admitted that I took the issue at hand personally, which ultimately led to this post. And before I continue, I want to make clear that I'm only stating how I see things.
The issue at hand was the narrowing of who we allow to call themselves kin. Specifically, what set me off was the idea that having a non-human past life doesn't make someone kin. And that makes sense...if you believe that everyone has multiple past lives. But as I've said before, I'm just starting to consider the idea of past lives, and that they might partially explain my kin nature. My working belief is that non-human past lives, is that they aren't all that common. So put yourself in my shoes, the shoes of someone who has a history of taking things too personally and can't help it. I've been trying to figure myself out for so long, and just when I start exploring a new idea that might help, I notice people saying that idea isn't valid. So yes, I took it personally. I recognize that there is no reason to, but emotional reactions don't always follow logic.
I'll say again what I said before: I firmly believe that at least one person on this site doesn't believe that I'm actually kin. Not that they think I'm lying, just that they think I'm mistaken. Heck, at one point someone more or less admitted to that belief, though given the circumstances of the conversation I'm not sure to what degree they meant it. And it's OK if you don't think I'm really kin; I probably wouldn't believe me either. I don't shift, I've never had any major spiritual experiences, and after 15 years I still don't know what my kin type is. So yeah, I can see why you would doubt me.
I said last time that I'd step away from my attempts to figure things out for a while, and I have been, but that doesn't mean it's off my mind. And even though I decided it was pointless to doubt my nature a long time ago, the doubts still sometimes slip in. And don't worry, I am able to swat them away. And I don't want to turn this into another long rant about how annoying and depressing it is to not be able to figure myself out; you've heard all of that.
I guess if there is a point to this, it's to explain why issues like the one described above bother me so much. I do take them personally. Even though I'm able to swat the doubts away, they continue to swarm like mosquitos. Every time I read something about how “xyz doesn't mean you're really kin” the swarm attacks. I've largely stayed away from Scent Rolling (among other sections) lately to avoid the swarm. I can't avoid the swarm completely unless I stay away from the community, which I don't want to do, so all I can do is stand firm in my beliefs. I know that I'm kin, no matter how often the swarm attacks. The attacks still hurt, though, and a few minor bites here and there can add up. The past lives thing was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Just because my concerns start from a personal place doesn't mean they aren't legitimate concerns, though. What I say on the forum, that's my overall belief. The personal stuff is only me. I'm not asking people to stop asking questions, or to believe anything people say, or change the definition of otherkin. It's because I take them personally that I think about these concerns, but the concerns stand on their own.
So there you have it, another little peek into my messed up head. Now, I want to ask anybody reading this a favor. If you harbor any doubts about me as otherkin, I want you to tell me. I won't be mad, and I won't hold it against you. Heck, one of my best friends doesn't believe in otherkin at all, and I don't hold it against him. I just want to know, both as a matter of interest and as something to explore. I'll end this in the same vein as the title of this post: tell me, even though it hurts.
You need to be logged in to comment