I know what this looks like. Honestly, I do. As I return to the question of whether I should leave this site due to the comments made by some members I used to consider friends, it must look like there's no real bite to that question, that it's an empty threat. You might even think I'm just trying to get attention. I can fully understand any of that. But the truth is, the reason I keep talking about it is that the situation changes every time someone new enters that topic and says they hate humans, let alone advocate killing humans. And once again, some of the absolute worst people doing this are staff members. So it's not just the same thing over and over again; each post makes me feel more and more like I don't want to be here. I said in a comment on a previous entry that it would take something really big for me to actually leave, and this has become big enough that I have to consider it again.
It would be easy for me to stay and move on like nothing happened. I could decide to not take these comments personally; everyone tells me I shouldn't anyway. I could forgive people for the things they've said. I could ignore that thread until everything blows over. Seriously, I could. And I might; I haven't decided yet. This would be the easiest way for me to go; ignore the conflict and wait for it to blow over. But I'm not sure I want to. I always apologize for things that I don't think are my fault, because I hate conflict so much. But letting these things pass seems tantamount to being OK with them, and I am not. This isn't a difference of opinion, it's a matter of principles and facts, and I don't want anyone to think that I support these ideas. Staying would also be like telling the staff members in question that I'm ok with them saying terrible things in that capacity.
To expand upon that, let's say you go into a store and have a conversation with an employee. Let's say during that conversation the employee says “I want to kill you and everyone you care about.” Would you ever shop at that store again? I sure as hell wouldn't. To me, it's the same thing. If the employee was less direct and said “I advocate killing every human” guess what? I still would never shop there again. It's not about hurting the store/site, it's about making sure the people saying these things know that they have lost my support and my friendship. It's about consequences.
And in this case, it's also about comfort. I don't feel comfortable on the forum. When I dared to suggest that maybe saying you want billions of people you've never met to die is a bad thing, people snapped at me. If that's going to get me attacked, how can I feel comfortable talking about anything else? I also feel, to some degree, unwanted. I know there are some people who would tell me that of course I'm welcome here. And as far as they're concerned, that's true. But when people are going through and disliking many of my posts after the fact, even ones in which I don't say anything controversial, I'm not sure how I should feel.
To those people who I still consider friends, you're the reason this is so hard. I've had great discussions with you, and you help me more than I probably deserve when I'm having troubles. I like talking to you guys, and I like listening to you too. It's good to have a place where we can talk about these topics. That's why I'm still here. There's so much to love about this site.
To those of you who have made comments that offend me: I hate that you said the things you did, but I don't hate you. I don't feel comfortable talking to you at the moment and I'm not sure I still consider you friends, but that can change. Maybe your views will change, or maybe mine will. I'm not judging you as a person; I'm sure you have your reasons for saying this stuff. Now, there is one thing that will never change: you are human. You can't decide to not be human. To those people, until you realize that I have no interest in anything you have to say. But to the others, these things can be worked out.
So now, as the title says, I must make a choice. I think if nothing else I'm likely going to stay away from the forum while this particular discussion is taking place; it's not good for anyone if I stick around. But once it blows over, I hope I feel comfortable coming back. And to those I still consider friends, I'll still be in contact while I'm gone. If you want to send me a PM, I can give you my email address or whatever else works.
Nothing is decided yet, though. I'm not good at making decisions, so there's a decent chance I will just stick around. But I don't want to feel so frustrated that I have to write something like this again, so we'll see.
This post's lyrics come from:
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