I should probably stop using this blog for venting, but I honestly don't have anywhere else to do this. I hope nobody minds too much.
I'm feeling down again for no apparent reason. It's so... frustrating. There's things I want to be doing, but I just feel so tired. I just can't motivate myself at all.
I probably shouldn't be on the internet when I feel like this. There's way too much anger and hate, and it really messes with me. It makes me feel so alienated from everyone. I just genuinely don't understand it. How can people be so angry, about such silly things? I mean, I understand anger very well, but anger at such petty stuff... it just doesn't make sense.
Having family problems too... none of them actually want me around anymore. But my plans to move out into my own place have all fell through, so I suppose they're stuck with me for now. Seems like they think its my fault that it didn't work out. I can't figure out whether they don't realise, or they just don't care, that I'm actually far more upset about that whole thing than they are. For them it's a minor inconvenience, for me its a central part of my life plan for the next five or so years completely derailed.
The last few days I've been feeling kinda lonely, if I'm honest. That's not something I'm used to feeling. I'm usually okay with being alone, but I usually have my family there for me, and now I don't. And I haven't had any friends since I was 12.
I miss having a pack. I don't even know if there's anything like that in human society. I mean, at our core, all humans are self-centred - but a pack can't work like that. In a pack, the pack has to come first, or everyone dies. There has to be absolute trust and understanding between every member of the pack, or the pack can't function. That's what a pack is. But I've never in my life felt any real level of trust or understanding towards any human. Towards my dogs, sure. But not with my family. Not with my friends, either. I like people, but there's no part of me that trusts them.
Mmh. I don't think I'm very good at being a human.
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