Every time I think I have something resembling an answer, something makes me reconsider. On the morning of May 2nd I saw something that brought me back to the beginning of this current search, to a question I've avoided for fear of it being an easy out. And that question is: what if I was right all along and I'm just a centaur? Maybe I'm looking for more proof than is reasonable, so I'm leading myself in circles looking for what isn't there. I can't ignore all of the evidence that leads me away from this idea, but maybe I can reinterpret it. Maybe it was easier to imagine myself as a faun or whatever in a past life because the body shape is closer to my physical one. Maybe stories about fauns cause more resonance for me because the situations they describe hit closer to home. In other words, maybe I'm focusing on the wrong thing.
On the flip side, though, it would just be too easy. And even if I could accept it, I'd still have all these nagging doubts. I don't want to fall into a trap that will just bring me back to where I started. So maybe I should stop thinking in terms of evidence and start going by how I feel right now. And right now I feel like I'm a centaur. But there are problems with this approach too. For one, how I feel right now isn't necessarily how I'll feel in, say, a week. I'm indecisive. For another, I don't know how much of it is inertia. I've called myself a centaur for many years, and if you tell yourself anything that much, it will inevitably feel right.
For what it’s worth, one part of my identity has somewhat solidified. I think we were spot on with the thought that a fauntaur isn't a demon per se, just that it was often called one. I just don't have that much resonance with demons, even goat-legged ones. It's the label that resonates. So at least this I have somewhat down.
There is another thought of course, one that I tend to avoid: what if I'm completely wrong, and my kin type isn't like anything I've explored before? Obviously that doesn't make a lot of sense; I'm exploring these things for a reason. But I can't forget that for many years I was sure I was a griffin, which shares nothing with my current theories except that it's half one thing and half another thing. In fact, at one point long ago I was in a very similar point to where I am now. I was stuck between griffin and centaur, and considering the possibility of some combination of the two.
I also can't forget that one of the reasons I invented a name for my kin type is that I might be something that doesn't have a name. And given how important it is to me to have a solid answer, that would suck. I would just keep looking forever. And it's funny, you'd think I'd like being one of a kind. I'm not shy about my human nature, and people like to be unique. But with all of the other confusion I'm dealing with, it would be nice if my identity was clear.
Consider this a “state of the fauntaur” post. This is where things are. What's the next step? Still figuring out the number of legs. It's key to getting a good mental image. And despite all of the evidence I listed before, now I'm leaning back to four legs. Or maybe both? I've discussed the ways that that could be, but none of them seem quite right. It's gotta be one or the other at least by default. I was so sure it was two, and now I don't know. One step forward, two steps back. Story of my life.
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