(This is a repost since the site went down, some things may be outdated)
My last blog entry was a rather jumbled confused mess about 'hearing voices', as I so crudely put it, but now I'm back to the topic quite a bit more understanding of myself, and would like to go into it a bit to write it all down. (And to save the poor chatroom from me rather dominating the chat, heh.)
So, last time I figured out that the voices I'd been hearing were both myself and not myself. Aka, being a median system. For people who aren't systems, this is likely terribly confusing to hear, and I honestly don't blame you. This is confusing, very confusing; hence my rather panicked state before. To start with, I'll go a little into what being a median system means to me, and then further detail what the members are of my median system and their relations to myself.
Bit of History
To me, being a median system is the result of myself 'fracturing' at likely a point of trauma in my life. This would also place me under the classification of a 'trauma based system', as I was not born with these voices. (For the most part, but I'll get to that in a bit.) On the whole they spiked after a long period of termoil in my life, and finally triggered by an event of physical abuse within my family towards me. I won't get into detail about such, as I consider these events rather personal, but I'm almost certain around this time was when it really started to become noticeable. It was also after these events I became a gateway system, but that's for another blog entry.
For a long time people have said to me "You seem like two different people." Now, this isn't an uncommon saying, and I'm not placing that much weight on it, as I certainly didn't think much of it at the time. For the most part, they were talking about the fact that when I'm comfortable around people I'm very loud, confident, casual and fun, and when I'm not comfortable I'm very anxious, quiet, shy and formal. However, it wasn't just in response to these situations.
My partner, whom is very close to me, and has been for just over 5 years has watched my personality very closely, and can tell often quite quickly when I'm not myself. She was with me before the final trigger for my fragmentation, and experienced first hand the result of it afterwards. She was very confused, and often noticed before even I did how I sometimes acted differently on occasion; not in response to any situation or emotion, just me being 'different' on occasion.
Completely unrelated to her noticing this, as I never said anything to her till a while after she'd already noticed it a few times, I started to realise on my own. Some things I was doing was not like me at all, and I didn't understand why. I'd talk differently, I'd present myself differently. If a month was 100%, then I'd happen maybe 10-20% of the time during a month. It wasn't that common, and some months it wouldn't even happen at all. Sometimes it'd be very subtle, and other times it'd be very noticeable.
Along side this, I'd been having the occasional gateway walk-in, which was far more noticeable, and what I'd been holding most of my attention on. Thus when I joined this site I thought for the most part I was just a gatway system.
Understanding my Median System
However, fast forward to present day. I've now managed to acctualy figure out these incredibly fluid parts of myself that I'll call fragments rather than facets, as I was using the word fragment way way before I knew that was acctualy a word that systems use. A median system, in my exsperiance is having one's self split into parts. These parts all act like seperate people, they can talk independantly, think and react in different ways to yourself and have free will. The only thing making them not a multiple system's headmates is the fact that;
1. They're not separate 'people'. They have no visual image of themselves, they have no memories, they have no name. Names and images must be given.
2. They are very fluid. They can change their voice, their behaviour and their actions to things that can be out of character for them. If you give them an image, they might end up changing it.
3. They have an attachment to the 'core', or the 'original' that is much stronger and closer than that of headmates as they 'are' the core as well. If you insult one of them, you're not just insulting them, you're insulting all of them.
I don't know if it's like this for all median systems, but that's what they're like for me. Often times I thought there were more than two because they would change very often. They'd wear different clothes, different masks. They can be distorted or confused, they can behave in strange ways that my walk-ins wouldn't ever. It'd be like trying to talk to a shapeshifter while on LCD sometimes, while other times they can be solid and not change at all.
But the one thing that's important to remember is that they are 'me'.
For people who haven't thought about what makes your sense of self real, these thoughts can be rather confusing and even scary to think about. Because a brain is a very complex organ, and it's perfectly capable of processing what every system experiences. One's brain is not limited to just having one voice. The brain is an organ, a very complex organ that will do anything it can to ensure it's survival. We are bound to the brain's rules, rather than us ruling the brain.
One's product of 'self' can not exceed the tool that forms it. By that definition, your brain will always be more complex than you are. As most people know, we only use a very small portion of our brains, and while I'm not claiming that this is related to that, it's certainly something to keep in mind.
What I'm trying to get at is that I know a lot of people likely can't wrap their minds around what systems are, and might even doubt they're real through disbelief. Though I'd say that's mostly created through misunderstanding, or lack of information. If you doubt a particular system, just ask them a bit about it, and most fakes will end up tripping up somewhere along the lines, but if you want to genuinly understand real ones, it's worth taking your time learning.
Detailing My System
Okay, now the bit I've been waiting to talk about, haha. My median system consists of two fragments, Taru and Sordis.
Taru is what would essentially be a pure version of my godshard self, and if they completely front, it'd be equivalent to a mental shift that otherkin experience. They've actually always been with me, since I was incredibly young, I just didn't realise it.
Sordis is the one created from trauma. They are what we'd call a 'corrupted godshard'. They're the result of what happens when you combine a traumatized human with a godshard. It's as ugly as it sounds. Originally I actually thought I was demonkin because of Sordis.
Taru, as I've now mentioned twice I've actually had since I was born. They've guided me, and told me information that has always been correct whenever I followed it, and whenever I didn't I would end up regretting it. They're the one who actually told me I was a godshard as well. Their personality 'usually' is very formal, polite, informative and quiet. They only speak when they need to, and are reluctant to otherwise. They've ended up forming a visual connection to Kaworu from Evangelion due to the fact they share a lot of similar traits, and Evangelion in general I have a strong connection to, but they can also look like a slender tall glowing white humanoid being with an oval for a face and wearing a very oversized loose jumper. (sweater, for the Americans)
However, they often don't have a form at all, but whatever it is is very 'light' or bright. They've resisted the idea of having angel wings before because they are not an angel and have stated such to me multiple times. Taru has only fronted very rarely, sometimes to take care of me after an emotional break down, but not always.
- Kaworu from Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Sordis came along later on, yet I realised their existence before Taru's. In other words, Sordis was more out there when they manifested so I realised them a lot quicker than Taru who's always been very quiet. Sordis is rather in stark contrast, being quite rude, aggressive, violent, malevolent and manipulative. Sordis was actually the first 'voice' that was ever named, so called the simplistic name of 'Mr Sadistic', which carries a weird form of nostalgia now for some reason. They have caused havoc in my relations with people, often intentionally going out and trying to ruin my ties with friends.
Unlike Taru, Sordis only fronts when I'm at a point of extreme emotional or mental stress as a form of my body trying to protect it's self. If someone is hurting me through an accidental means, I wouldn't respond to them, but Sordis would, likely excessively. I also know this is a common thing for a lot of systems, that other members front to take care of the body when one is hurt too much, but this is still quite rare for me, and when they're fronting I'm usually trying to wrestle control from them or stop them doing anything seriously wrong.
Sordis has no fixed visual as they're very chaotic in comparison to Taru. Their image of themselves changes a lot, as well as their voice. However it is often fairly 'dark' and often similar to demons, despite not being a demon themselves.
Sordis has often fronted in response to certain music as well, which I will link below as I can't provide a visual image of them.
Well that's probably about all I can talk about in this blog post. Hope it wasn't too massive a read (though it probably was, haha) and thank you to anyone who actually managed to get through the whole thing. But a thank you to anyone who just skimmed it as well, anything is appreciated.
Thanks for reading,
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