(This is a repost since the site went down. Some things may be outdated)
The following is disorganised and a bit chaotic as this isn't aimed to be a professional documentation, but a personal vent pad. Please keep this in mind while reading. Thank you.
'Voices'. A rather brash term for what some people call alters, headmates, but if they don't stick around, are they just personalities, or even real at all? This blog entry is going to be around my recent experiences, mostly because I can tend to forget a lot of things I experience, and I'd like to keep a record for myself. However I'll keep it public because it may be of use to someone somewhere.
I do not hear voices regularly, but for this writing I'm going to address them as 'others', since I'm not sure what they are.
Lately, my perception of reality has been rather.. unstable, I suppose would be the best way to describe it. For the reasoning behind this I'll have to go into a bit of history as to why.
I'm very lonely. Chronically lonely.
For years I've been plagued with a lack of social contact. The contacts I always do make tend to fade away after time, intentionally leave me with no regard for my well being, declare they hate me and run away, or any other number of events where I'm left to wonder what on Earth I did wrong. None of these people tell me, they simply run away. Or if they do tell me, it's reasoning I argue against, yet they then can't respond to that. I'm not going to go into detail because the amount of times I've told that story is likely over the hundreds. Point is, people leave me a lot and I'm lonely because of it.
My life is also devoid of contact in general. I rarely leave the house and have nothing to attend out of the house. I can't attend a job or education due to medical reasons, so I am not only lonely, but also alone. Being alone for years on end is not healthy for anyone, and after long periods of isolation it's known people will start to hear voices at some point. I'm very aware of this, and I'm pretty sure this is why I started to.
Originally my experiences with others has been very rare. I'd maybe get a switch once every three months or so, and hear voices even less. Because I'm a sceptical person, despite the fact I'd completely lose control of my body, I could still vaguely remember what happened usually after an other was in control, and this lead me to doubt everything and on occasion, become rather distressed. Was I making it all up? Could I have controlled my body if I tried harder? These questions haunted me, and always over shadowed the events. They were a mystery, an unknown that I didn't know how to deal with.
Later on, after finding the otherkin community here and finding out about multiples, I finally started to relax. It was possible to experience these things and NOT be diagnosed with DID. It was a relief, though having lifted one burden, another came down. I didn't seem to fit into any particular 'system', and have ended up calling myself a mixed system but with being a gateway system the most common.
I ended up going through a whole thought process trying to figure out what these others were. There were so many things they could be. Spirits and demons are what they usually claimed to be, but I haven't seen anyone else who's similar to myself, which causes even more doubt and uncertainty. Alters, headmates, tulpas? My attempts to figure out if, who I now call Taru, but is basically my godkin self, was a tulpa proved unfruitful. Everything I tried on them to see if they were separate or not failed because they ARE a part of me. They aren't a normal headmate, and they aren't a tulpa.
Lately, I've been lacking any form of clear cut between voices that are mine, and someone else's. I'm so desperate for others because I'm lonely, I'm scared I'm making it all up. I know I've been trying to force these events more often. I've been trying to switch, I've been trying to hear others. I'm so desperate for anyone I know I'm trying to force it. Though the other reason I suppose is that I'm trying to see if I really am making it up myself.
Others will almost always have different sounding voices to my own, they'll behave in different ways, but often bounce back my own thoughts. When I'm doing something, a common question would be to ask what I'm doing. I tell them, and they might ask why, or what it is. It's like an echo I'm not in control of. The doubt comes from the fact I can block them out quite often. They can be very quiet or very loud depending on my mental state.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I've just fragmented, a feeling I've had a few years back when hearing different voices all started. Different elements of myself all interacting freely. They're separate yet still.. me. Maybe this is why I'm so confused. Trying to prove them as being separate or myself isn't working because they're neither and both at the same time.
Typing this out helped me organise my thoughts and help me realise what I should have been realising all along. They are me, and I am them. We're all me. Taru isn't a headmate or a tulpa, they're just me. Guess I shouldn't call them a name like that if they're me, but I need some way to organise the me's I suppose.
Trying to fit myself into labels resulted in panicking and distressing me. I don't like the idea of trusting voices, but for now, that seems like the only thing that's going to keep me from being in a state of constant denial and paranoia.
Am I a multiple if I have multiple versions of myself? Median system?
Ah, I really don't know any more, but at least I should have some calm for a little while.
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