Had some things floating around my brain lately, want to get them off my chest. Mostly for my own sake - writing things out usually helps me clear things up, and dwelling on them for the past how-long hasn't really helped.
I'm just gonna say here: the stuff I post on the forums, and even here in my blog is a little... dulled down, I guess. To make it sound less strange. It's something I do out of habit at this point (hence my general feelings of dishonesty). But I'm not going to bother with any of that right now, so if you're not particularly open-minded about this sort of thing, just... idk, you can still read this, but try and reserve judgement? I'm just trying to understand myself.
And yeah, you can stick a good old "I believe" in front of all of this.
I've been thinking a lot about memories lately. Some from this life, some... probably not. They're not things I've recently remembered, just things I've shoved down or ignored to the point that I forgot them.
I feel old. Not physically... not even mentally. It's deeper than that. It's not something I'm aware of most of the time... just when I take a step back from my life, when I'm meditating or deep in thought. It's not age in the same way that humans see it, I suppose. Too much time to even fit within human comprehension (including my own, which is what makes this so hard). It's not that I have a huge amount of memories... I have full recollection of one past life, and some other fragments, but it's not enough to account for how old I feel. It's just a sense, I suppose. Feels like I've seen a lot, even though I can't remember most of it. Feels like I've been around for a long, long time.
Fits in with the memories I have though. Those odd fragments. They're so strange... it's strange remembering being something so vastly different to what I am now. It was odd enough remembering being a wolf, but once you take away the body and the instincts and hormones and all the other stuff that makes you think and feel - well, then it gets really odd.
Strange thing is that the fragments of memory I've got seem like the earliest. First there was heat... a lot of heat, and noise, and movement, and confusion. I know for a fact no living thing could survive something like that. It was like standing on the sun. Didn't hurt or anything... can't hurt if you don't have a body. I was just aware of it being hot. Didn't "see" it or "hear" it. It was like all of that was some temporary part of myself. But I suppose that's what it's like to be a thing made of energy. It's not like there's any clear borders between what's you and what's everything else.
Next thing I remember is being alone. For a long time. Everything felt sort of grey and hazy. I remember roaming for a long time, searching for something, but I don't think I knew what I was looking for. I don't think I was lonely... or, at least, not by the normal definition of the word. It's hard to be lonely when you've always been alone. It's not like you'd know any different.
And I remember the pure joy I felt at seeing something living for the first time. I think that's probably the strongest memory I have. It wasn't relief or anything like that... I was just amazed by this tiny little thing I'd come across. It wasn't even anything noticeable by normal human standards. Some algae-like plant, I think. But it was amazing, and beautiful. The most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
I call myself something like a nature spirit, but I don't think I started off that way... I think I chose that. I'd been alone for so long, then suddenly there was life, and I was enchanted by it. I remember watching my home change from a desolate wasteland into something filled with life, watching that life change and learn and adapt. Watching it die, and seeing new things take its place.
I still feel an echo of that - whenever a bug lands on my hand, or I hear a bird singing, or a flower manages to grow between the cracks in the pavement. It's so beautiful.
So, yes, basically I'm an odd person that will happily stare at a fly on their hand for ten minutes while remembering something from distant prehistory that may or may not have actually happened.
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