I haven't updated my blog in awhile, so I wanted to pop in with an update. First, my period of not constantly worrying about my kin type has been going well, though I do think about it at times. The only way to even try to prevent that would be to cut ties with the kin community (at least for a while) like I have in the past, but I don't want to do that. As such, the other problem has decided to rear its head. TUF is composed of many things, but the two core reasons for it are not knowing my kin type and not being able to connect with it. Now that I’ve been able to hold off one of them, I have to deal with the other. And unfortunately, it’s more nebulous. Around a year ago I was hit hard by this desire to “connect” to my kin type, which is actually not just one of but is the number 1 factor of TUF. Much like TUF stands for “the unstoppable feeling,” I have a name for this too: “the unsolvable problem.” It’s unsolvable because the only way to solve it would be to attain the final part of this trifecta, “the impossible goal.” And that, of course, is physically shifting. So last summer, when confronting the unsolvable problem, I tried to find ways to come as close as I could to the impossible goal. Some of you might remember this, because I brought up some possible methods. We talked about hoof-like shoes, galloping, binaural guided meditations, writing stories, lucid dreaming, etc. I tried a whole bunch of things, and none of them really worked. And the worst part is that it wasn’t the first time; I had tried many of those things on previous attacks of TUF to little avail.
I want to give a little bit of context for those who haven’t seen my posts about these topics before. I don’t really shift at all, nor do I have much luck with meditation or dreams that cast me as my kin type. I don’t have anything like that. I know a lot of us have these kinds of feelings and desires, but I’d wager it’s worse for me and people like me. So now I’m face to face with the unsolvable problem again, and much like when I was trying to figure out my kin type before, I’m trying to be smart about it. I want to focus on what helped and ignore what didn’t. So many of the things I thought would help didn’t. Nothing came anywhere close to solving the problem. For some methods it was because I had trouble doing them regularly, and others I did perfectly well. Things like normal meditation and galloping helped a little bit, but the rest didn’t. Trying to get myself to do things that I know I won’t be able to get myself to do regularly, like “training” for lucid dreaming, is more time and stress than it’s worth. As before, I want to focus this time. The difference is that with figuring out my kin type, there was theoretically a real goal in mind. Here, the answer is what I call an impossible goal for a reason, so it’s more fluid. Success is harder to define. And in the end, it doesn’t even matter; there’s nothing I personally can do to get the kind of feeling I’m looking for. I’ve been trying for a very long time. But I can at least do things to ease the situation until it goes away.
I suppose I should also explain the catalyst for this feeling. Some of you might recall that a while back I was researching tulpas, and mentioned that I already had situations every once in awhile where I “talked” to “characters” in my head to go through a hypothetical situation. Most recently, it was a depiction of the god Pan. I did a little bit of the research on tulpas, and all of it said not to jump in. But like the irresponsible scientists in so many stories, I said to hell with it and started experimenting, seeing if I could get that Pan-based character to evolve. Not into a tulpa, mind you; I’m at least smart enough not to go that far without more research and discussion. But just to see if that character could become more than just a vessel for hypothetical conversations where I was really talking for both sides. And he did evolve. He’s now not so much a vessel for hypothetical responses as he is an “imaginary friend” of sorts. I really wish I could come up with a better term than that, but I can’t. I know, you think I’m a “forever alone” crazy person, but I swear I’m not. I have plenty of friends and am close with my family. In any case, I’m pretty happy with where I am with Pan (as I still call him). But here’s the problem: the whole reason I became interested in the god Pan in the first place was that he is the “predecessor” (so to speak) of fauns/satyrs, and looks like one. So I’ve spent the last couple of weeks or so talking to someone who is more or less what I’m supposed to be. I should have seen this issue coming. I’ve already retooled him to be human (for some reason he looks like Grant Gustin from The Flash). In any case, don’t worry; I’m not getting depressed or anything. I’m not in a particularly bad emotional state at the moment. I’m just dealing with things.
And hey, while I’m figuring all of this stuff out, my normal everyday life is getting mixed up too. As I’ve said before, my workload at the office has doubled recently, and yesterday I was told I won’t likely get a raise until February or so. I am not getting paid enough for what I do, so the question is, hold on, or find another job? Either way is not easy. Beyond that, the guy I’ve been dating and I kissed on Sunday, and I’m still not totally sure how to feel about that. It’s all complicated stuff that this blog isn’t really supposed to be about, so I’ll save the details for another time. Suffice to say, I have a lot going on right now.
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