Questioning again... | Kinmunity: Otherkin Community

Questioning again...

Published by Charias in the blog Charias's blog. Views: 43

Haha, it never ends, right? Just when you think you've got everything figured out, you go and realise: nope, you overlooked something significant, or something new pops up, or whatever.

I'll try and not go on some immensely long ramble here... so, let's see. Hmm.

Okay, point 1 is: I'm 90% sure most of the things I listed when I was writing down my heart-types were actually either cameo identities, or things I identify with but not to the extent that I'd say I'm hearted with them. In fact, out of everything I'd listed, I'd say only one is really a heart-type, and even that one I got kinda wrong.

I'm arthropod-hearted. I thought it was just scorpions for a while, then I thought it was just arachnids, but no. It's arthropods as a whole. There's some exclusions... I don't feel any connection with the immobile ones like barnacles, or the parasitic ones like ticks and lice. But everything else is included. So that's insects, arachnids, crustaceans, etc.

It's hard to explain the connection I have with them. It's not that I relate to them in a human way... it's a little hard to see yourself in a housefly or a spider. It's more a feeling of... familiarity. Like... there's something almost comforting about being around them. That probably sounds really weird.

I've got some idea why I feel that connection with them, but it'd take a while to explain, so maybe I'll do that some other time.

Point 2 is... I think I might actually be a dragon? Still? Yeah, I'm gonna hate myself for going back down this road.

Context: I identified fully and wholeheartedly as a dragon for about a year and a half. For about a year of that, I thought it was the same as my demon side, and that I was a kind of energy being that took a draconic form. Then, after a little introspection, came to the conclusion those two things were separate, then a little later that I wasn't a dragon at all. I told myself it was just a really long cameo, or maybe even a coping-link, I don't know.

But... I was just thinking about it today, just briefly, and... I realised it still feels right to call myself a dragon. In the same way it feels right to call myself a wolf - it just feels like it's me. And it's not in the hearted kind of way like I thought for a while. I don't really identify with dragons.

I don't even know how that could work, though. Definitely don't think it was a past life, considering I'm bound to Earth and I don't believe there was ever dragons here. It's not a soul thing - my soul's an old, grumpy demonic entity, nothing else. It wouldn't make sense to be psychological either: my theriotype is the one that was a response to my broken brain and isolation - if I already had that, why would I form another nonhuman identity on top of it?

But even with all the logic issues, it feels right. Feels like a relief, actually. Maybe I subconsciously pushed it away because I couldn't find an explanation for it? It was always my "weakest" nonhuman identity, the one I felt least connected to. Always overshadowed by my suntherianthropy or immensely strong demon shifts. I didn't like the thought of being three different things either.

So, yes. Identity confusion. Questioning things. Dragons. The usual.

And this ended up being a really long post anyway.
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