Just something that's been on my mind lately. I identified as a shapeshifter for a little while, more as a "trial run" than anything else; and though I used the label for quite a while it never felt entirely "right", so I ditched it in the end. I've never felt any kinship with shapeshifting creatures or the concept of it at all.
But I've been thinking over my shifts again and I can't help but notice how I tend to "mimic" things. Sometimes I do it intentionally, but I tend to disregard those experiences because of the amount of control I have over my ph-shifts, which is something I've learnt rather than a natural thing. But it's also something that happens naturally - when I'm reading about someone's phantom shifts I'll sometimes have them appear, and when I see an interesting animal I sometimes "try on" certain body parts just out of vague curiosity - without the level of concentration it takes for me to force phantom shifts.
I'll also go through bouts of identifying as something I'm not. It doesn't just feel like a cameo shift - it feels like I actually am that thing. But the feeling usually passes within a few days, so that I can remember what it felt like to be that thing, but I'm also 100% sure that I'm not one anymore. If that makes sense at all?
There's other things too, but honestly I don't know if they're relevant or not.
I tend to pick up on the moods and attitudes of other people very easily, an automatically mimic them - so when everyone is happy, I feel happy; when everyone is sad, I feel sad; and if someone around me is very angry, then I'll feel angry too, even if I have nothing to be angry about. If I leave the room and go sit on my own, my mood changed back to what I was feeling before. I think that's one of the reasons I find social situations so exhausting. I end up so caught up in how everyone else is feeling that it's impossible for me to focus on myself and how I'm feeling. I tend to copy other peoples' habits and speech patterns as well, if I'm around them for a while.
Even when it comes to how I see myself, it's fluid. My kintypes are the only bit that's consistent. When it comes to how I see myself as a human, my self image is always changing (if I have one at all). My gender is a huge, inconsistent mess. And I sometimes like to delete my accounts on online communities just so I can make a new one and have a fresh start (though that could also be because of my social anxiety). I don't like being bound to a single identity, or known as a single name and a single person. I think that's the reason I like having a mixture of pronouns, too.
It's most obvious when I dream. I'm never the same person twice; I always look and act completely different. Sometimes I'm an outsourced fictional character, sometimes I'm an OC, sometimes I'm just some random person with no source I can recognise (never real people though, that would be weird). Even my personality is pretty fluid. It's consistent when it comes to real life, physical "me", but I find it very easy to switch to other personality modes when I'm playing RPGs or writing in first person - even when those other personalities are completely different to my own. I just find it very natural to "be" someone or something other than what I typically think of as "myself", just temporarily.
So, I guess I'm either a polymorph or I have some serious identity issues. Or maybe both. Who knows.
You need to be logged in to comment