So ah, let's do this! I'm excited to use this blog feature and generally kind of vent things out. It's going to help me process things, even if no one really reads or interacts.Let's see.... Recently I've had an awakening of sorts. I'm not sure if it's recalling memories or just coming up with some ideas of what my story may include.
About a week back or so, maybe more, I was talking to a few otherkin people on the 3D chat client IMVU and we were all sharing bits about our kintypes, general stories of coming to our kin realizations. I told them about how ever since I was a child, I felt like I was supposed to be a big strong entity with the purpose of protecting something or someone. It's fuzzy how the conversation went exactly, but the feedback that stuck with me was along the lines of "what if you aren't supposed to belong anyone? What if you're supposed to live for yourself?"
That has really changed a lot for me and opened my eyes to some possibilities why I exist in this form at all right now.
This and the combination of watching this video-- "you don't remember how badly you wanted to be here." --turned me around even more. At certain points in that video I could imagine the face of my gargoyle form staring right back at me, perhaps watching.
The thought occurred to me.... Maybe I did belong to someone who summoned or owned me in a past life. But maybe I chose to incarnate as a human to learn how to exist independently. I just wonder what happened to bring an end to my history of belonging to and protecting something else. Did I fail my duty? Did a tragedy occur? My life so far has been full of loneliness, the intense feeling that something large is missing, to the extent that I feel like I'm living on some floating island, totally separate from everyone I meet. Is this the loneliness carrying over from that other dimension, from living without belonging to anyone or anything?
At certain points in my life I felt extremely close to giving in to the loneliness. But with the help of Ryan Cropper's ideas and my own hard labor and thinking... I'm glad I'm alive. I know now that if I would have given in to the sadness those years ago, I probably would have chosen to start all over.
But I'm determined to learn what I came here for. I'm determined to feel at peace with loneliness, to stop looking for some perfect person to belong to who doesn't exist. I will be at peace with myself and this universe, and when it's my time to leave this body I will be ready to continue on to the next step in my spirit's development.
Also I'm pretty excited, last night I started talking to someone on FeralHeart about astral projection, I mentioned how I seemed incapable of doing it. Through maybe two hours of discussion we came to the conclusion that, because of a past mistake of sorts that I mentioned, it's possible that a negative entity has been attached to me for several years now, and is preventing me from separating from the physical. This person seems to be willing to help me detach from said entity and achieve astral projection. I'm very hopeful for this.Thank you for reading!
I'm sure I'll be venting on my blog a lot.
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