Mmh. Life's been hell lately. All the plans I thought I'd made for my life, all the good stuff I'd planned that had finally managed to pull me out of months of depression... that's all gone. And now I'm falling back into that hole and I don't have anything to pull me out of it, because someone went and cut the rope I was hanging on to. And I'm so scared.
I don't know how to do this... how to live like this. I don't belong here. And I can't even tell anybody why or how. They wouldn't understand even if I did.
Some otherkin say we're all human, others say we're not. I know fully well that I'm physically human. And I know how to act human and speak human, even think human... I'm not great at it, but I get by. But none of that feels right to me. None of this feel natural for me - there's not one iota of my being that feels like it belongs here, and is comfortable here. And isn't that what makes us one species or another, really? Isn't that why I'm a wolf therian? Because I feel so deeply that I belong there and not here? Because that's what I feel like I'm made for?
So how am I human? When everything to do with this species feels so wrong? When I don't understand the most basic of human concepts, when I have none of those human instincts, when I feel alienated from the entire species? When everything I do to communicate with people feels unnatural? When there's no facet of myself that feels like the way I act, the way I think and talk and behave, is the real me?
There's no part of me that belongs here. Just because I put on a pretty good show of being human doesn't make me one. And it wrecks me that I have to wear that mask all the time... it kills me to know that I will never be able to just be myself. That I will always have to wear this mask. Even my own family don't really know who I am.
Even I don't. Not really. I know who I was... but right now, I don't know what's really me, and what's just part of that mask. I don't know who I am. All I know is that I don't feel right being here, doing this, acting like I do.
It's not that I don't like humans. Humans are great. I've said that before. But I think lots of animals are great, and it doesn't make me one of them.
It's not that I don't want to live here, or live like this anymore... even if it doesn't feel like home. I love my family. Even my life as a whole isn't bad, I just have a lot of anxiety issues that make normal things seem horrible. I want to live here, but I don't want to have to pretend to be something else. I just want to be me.
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