I noticed something last night.
I think that, in some ways, the otherkin community is bad for me. Not because I don't like being here, not because of anything to do with anyone in the community. It's just that it changes the way I look at things. It shifts my focus onto the nonhuman aspects of myself, and in a way, I think that... distances me from them.
Say I have a shift. Normally, that's just a thing that happens to me. I don't even acknowledge it. Sometimes it feels like I lose some of the connection with the nonhuman parts of myself when I'm not actively in the community and talking about it... but I don't think that's true. I've just gotten so used to it that it doesn't register as being anything other than me. So I spend a few days identifying as some character from some media. So I randomly and inexplicably have my feet replaced with those of an ostrich (that actually happened to me today... ostrich feet are weird). So I have a day where my brain's in wolf mode and it takes me a few seconds just to figure out what words mean. That's just me. That's who I am. Weird, but I'm used to it.
Being in the otherkin community makes me focus more on that sort of thing. I get so caught up in analysing it and trying to fit it into how I've labelled myself and how I've described my experiences, and even if it does align with that, it still takes some of the meaning out of it. It makes it into something... clinical.
I don't like it. But, at the same time, that's just part of me being here. In writing about my own experiences, I'm trying to force some strange, nebulous feelings into words that are never actually quite right. There's no words for what I'm actually trying to describe. Why would the human language have words to describe what it is like to be a wolf? Or some nonphysical entity that operates on a whole different level than we do?
And we say that kind of thing is important. We have to analyse, we have to question, we have to doubt ourselves because that's how we learn.
But last night I was lying in bed, it was two in the morning and I couldn't sleep, and I had to ask myself... why? Why is it so damn important that we know what we are? Why do we question so much? Why do I suddenly feel like I need to quantify and explain, to break down and analyse until there's nothing left? What is my goal here?
When it comes down to it, I know exactly what I am. What I don't know is how to describe it, and that's what bothers me. So maybe I just shouldn't try. Maybe I should just accept it, and move on.
Kind of on that subject - I am a dragon. I don't know whether this is permanent, or whether I'm just temporarily a dragon again for whatever reason. I don't think I actually care which it is. All I know is that right now, I feel like I am a dragon. Far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters.
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