Hey folks. A little while ago I told you about Pan, my "proto-tulpa" (I like that phrase better that what I called him before.) I figured it was time for me to talk a bit more about him, and even sort of give him a chance to speak.
To start with, his appearance. It's taken me a long time to settle on this, and we've gone through multiple versions, but we're both pretty happy with how he looks now. He is a faun, with brown fur on his legs and brown hair on his head. His hair is slicked up in the front, and he has horns coming out of the side of his head, which come put straight and then turn up at nearly a right angle. He wears a white...well, a skirt, I guess is what you'd call it. He's also, for some reason, very muscular; that wasn't how he looked when I first envisioned him. It came out of nowhere later on.
Personality-wise, he's actually kind of obnoxious. He's sarcastic and likes to give me grief about all sorts of things. But he's also sometimes nice, and helpful too. He can be a bit lazy but he'll listen if I need to talk to him.
I've been fighting with myself on the idea of letting him say something. Since he's only a proto-tulpa, I still don't know if he is actually capable of speaking for himself, or it it's still just me. So consider this an experiment. To be clear, this is me writing what he dictates, within the likely illusion of him speaking separately from me:
"Ok, I'm Pan. Umm, that's it. I don't have much to say. Gryff is...hard to live with, but we have some good times I guess. I've not been around for very long yet, but I'm trying to make sure Gryff gets me right before we go any further. I feel like I have an obligation to help him, but I push him to do things that make me happy too. Either because he isn't creative or because it's just how I am, I'm a typical satyr. I like fruit and music, especially music with a fast beat. I also like to get a good amount of sleep. I wouldn't call myself lazy, I just don't have work or anything to go to in the morning. Both of us want this to end now, so that's it."
That didn't go quite how I expected; it was sort of like me helping him write a letter more than him just saying what he wanted to say. I guess he and I aren't separated enough at this point, but we're getting there. I don't want to get too far, especially not too fast.
By this point you might be thinking a few different things. You might think I don't understand how tulpas work, and you're probably right. You might think I don't understand how tulpas work but understand what I'm sort of getting at here, which I appreciate. You might think I'm just an idiot talking to myself, which is a totally valid belief. Or, like Pan, maybe you think I shouldn't try to anticipate what people will think so much.
Anyway, I'll report if things do go further with Pan.
This post's lyrics are from "Lost Boy" by Ruth B. Blame my sister.
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