Update: also just had a feeling that I only now realized could be connected to pointy ears. I think I have experienced this before, as a sort of pulled back/tensed/pointed feeling somewhere from the corners of my eyes to the back of my head, but never thought much of it. I don’t know how frequent it is because I only now became aware of it.
I was outside today, standing on the patio looking at the trees. There was wind. I felt a longing, a power, a nostalgia, but I’m not sure what I was longing for. I feel a connection to the forests, as though they are home, but not now, not anymore. I like inside and electronics and temperature controlled climates. But the forests feel like home, and the wind feels like home, and I can feel my posture change as though to spread wings I do not have. My posture straightens.
Phantom limbs confuse me, and I do not know if I experience them. I feel something where wings could be below my shoulders (not quite at my shoulders, which is odd because aren’t those the muscles used for wings?) but I can’t move them (possibly because of not having those muscles?) and I can’t see them or even tell what type of wing they are. It changes – sometimes I’ll think they’re bird wings. Sometimes I’ll think they’re something else. Mostly I can’t tell at all. I just get the impression that they’re there, or that they should be there, or are there on some other level. But I can’t do anything with them or really know anything about them. I would dismiss it as meaningless except that I remember similar experiences from years ago also. I remember as a child wanting wings, and telling myself that if I did this or that I would get wings and/or could fly. I remember later (as a teen) feeling like I had wings sort of like I do now. It isn’t all the time though, just sometimes. Sometimes it doesn’t happen for months, so it’s not frequent or even really strong, but it’s been happening off and on for a while now.
I also occasionally feel antenna? Not very often, maybe only once or twice. A few other times just something around my head, nonspecific. I don’t know where that’s coming from. Today they felt purple. They’re smooth and curl in on themselves at the tips like ferns before they unfurl.
I feel an energy, within me. It’s from my core, my solar plexus, and it feels like the wind and the forest and magic and power. It feels like it’s stretching, reaching out around me to the wind and the trees. I don’t know what it means but it makes me happy. It feels like freedom and something sharp and clean and pure.
I don’t know if any of this means anything. I feel like nothing I experience is as legitimate as what other people experience, but it’s still something I experience. Sometimes I feel like this and my mind goes to the fae, and sometimes I feel like this and my mind goes to energy beings (those times, I perhaps do not experience the wings, or the antenna, and I feel more liminal, as though my body is wrong for taking up any space at all. I have difficulty separating this feeling from issues I have had in the past, however). Sometimes I feel none of this and feel as though I am probably only human after all.
And I know I am not supposed to feel like it is “only” human. It isn’t supposed to matter.
I feel like if I could know that I could at least call it a –hearted feeling, I would feel better. I want to be able to put it in words, and to have some way to describe it. But I don’t know what the difference is between being nonkin and nonhearted and being nonkin and otherhearted. And I do feel like this is more of a kin feeling than a hearted feeling, but then other times I feel like it is nothing at all. I have felt like this about many other things though, some of which are obviously real. I am good at invalidating myself, and also afraid of being wrong and having other people judge me for it. I am also afraid of never finding an answer, and though I know it would be better to just leave this be and move on, I do not know if I can, or if I want to. I could ignore it for now, but I feel like I would come back, over time.
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