I've reached a point where I've stopped questioning things.
It's not that I have all the answers. I just have the answers that I need. And for anything that I can't prove to myself, I have developed the answers that I want.
It appears my other entries here were lost, but basically they were evidence that I've shown an interest in sticking with the community even without much of a direct reason. Just to be around, to see what's up, and to be available and aware.
The other aspects of my life continues: work, college, and other personal projects. But my psychological (spiritual?) journey has reached a stasis: I don't know what's next.
So maybe it's why many have simply faded from the community: they get to a certain point and don't wish to continue mulling around in something that they've gotten far enough in. You come for support, you get that support, and then you reach a point where you honestly don't really need that type of support. I don't know this, of course, but it's a practical guess, no?
Things have changed in the communities since 2008. I don't think I fit in too well anymore. I guess it's not really about "fitting in". It's purpose. It's having a reason to be here. It's having some sort of goal. Do I have one? I think so, but I can't materialize it. It's abstract. It doesn't really equate to anything on its own. I don't even know if it could make sense, let alone be viable. I won't attempt to explain it because there isn't a qualifiable idea to explain. It's just…an urge? A need? A hunch? The nag that something has to fill that hole, but what?
So I lurk (sorry). I'm always around, listening and understanding, but I never wish to say anything unless I'm called out specifically. Waiting for an opportunity, I guess. But I could just as well move on and leave at any point.
I will say this: I feel like half of the reason that I don't fit in is because I'm not struggling with much of anything right now. Many in these communities are looking for others to relate to for comfort, and they struggle with a lot of things that I've either gotten out of or just simply never went through. People qualify others with their experience, so in that regard I don't have many qualifications. But I'm intelligent. Reasonable. Logical. Honest. Patient. Tactful. But what are these qualities to one experiences pain everyday? I know there's more to it all than that, but from a shallow, bandwagon perspective it's what you get: I end up feeling like I don't belong. I don't believe that, but the "feels" are there. And there is still some truth in what I feel.
I guess for me there's no such thing as a short blog entry (or short anything!). I thought about making this a forum post to garner responses, but I don't need them. This is indeed a more-or-less personal dump, but feel free to comment if there's something you think I should hear from you.
As I said, I'm always listening.
In the most non-creepy way possible (I swear).
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