For a little while, I've been kind of on-and-off thinking about the hows and whys of my identity. That's one of the things that's caused me the most problems in the past - having to change and adapt my beliefs and worldview to my own experiences, figuring out how it works and trying to make sense of it.
Took a while, but I eventually settled on the classic reincarnation explanation for my theriotype, because I do, after all, have some pretty intense past life memories.
But after a little thinking, I realised that didn't really cut it. Just because I had a past life as a wolf, doesn't mean I had any reason to hold onto that identity into this life.
Thinking about my theriotype and my childhood... I was always isolated as a kid. I could never really pin down why, I just felt different for some reason I couldn't quite grasp. Newly-awakened me latched onto the theory that this was because of my theriotype, and I never really got around to questioning that until recently.
In hindsight, I think I got it the wrong way around. I felt isolated because I'm shy, heavily introverted, don't fit on either side of the gender binary, and seem to have had attachment issues even when I was young. As I got a little older, my asexuality and aromantic-ness started to play into it too. Add that to trauma, constantly moving around, some very complicated family issues, and the fact that for a defining part of my childhood the only friend I had was my dog... yeah, no wonder I was (and am) so messed up.
That, honestly, would be grounds enough for me to identify as a wolf on a solely psychological level. And I have considered that. It used to scare me a little, how much sense that made, because I was scared that what I felt was made up or something. Doesn't bother me so much now. I am what I am.
Still, my spiritual experiences have been too intense and, honestly, life-changing for me to ignore them. Remembering my past life messed me up in a way that some made-up fantasy never could - and none of those memories helped me, or made me feel more secure in my identity. Actually, they pretty much did the opposite... threw me into a very drawn out existential/identity crisis. It wouldn't make sense for it to be some artificial thing I'd made up, for many reasons.
So I have the psychological explanation, which makes more logical sense, and the spiritual explanation, which feels right. Pretty easy to figure it out from there. It's both.
I'm a wolf now because I'm not very good at being a human. I've felt isolated all my life, never really understood the status quo or knew where I was supposed to fit into things. Had trouble bonding with people, even though I understood them fine. Felt so distant from everyone else, for no reason I could understand. Then, during one of the hardest periods of my life, I start having odd dreams, and get the urge to run off into the forest, or hunt, or howl at night. I don't think much of it, because those feelings are far more familiar and comfortable to me than anything I ever had as a human. Those feelings get gradually stronger over a couple of years, until one day I realise I'm not human.
I don't think it was, or is, a coping mechanism. I think it was some subconscious conclusion I came to. I'm not like other humans, and I find this life confusing and lonely. Some deeply buried part of myself remembered being a wolf, and understood how that life worked, and missed it.
I have to wonder, if things had gone differently, if I'd identify as a wolf at all. Could have been that, if things had gone differently, I never would have remembered that past life or had any reason to identify as who I had been then.
You need to be logged in to comment