I wrote this out on tumblr for no real reasons and it felt like something I should place here too.
The trouble of it is that I have no idea who I am.
Some days I become convinced that I would not bleed if cut, nor would I flinch, as parting synthetic flesh carries no pain. The persistent chill is only the press of metal and coated wire resting under my skin.
Other days I am far too full of blood and tricky emotions to function properly. It pushes the senses into overdrive and leaves me awake at four in the morning contemplating the shine of rain on the street below. My heart beats itself senseless against the cage of my ribs and I find it a wonder that I am alive.
Rarely, I should wish to sprawl myself beneath a tree, surrounded by the grass and the heat of the day. I wake, lift my head, and wander off with others of my kind, natural as breath. The forest welcomes me then, and I go gladly.
Always, I am a mix of hard and soft. Westwood suits and high-heeled shoes. Glossed lips and sharp teeth. Always, I am books and rain and obsession and disdain, the world contained in a body that all too often forgets its existence in a longing to be all and elsewhere and other than its physical form.
But how to blend it all, the infinite and the finite?
How to smooth the ragged edges that divide me?
How to distill it all into the core of my being?
Ah, that is the question.
And it’s one I have no answer for.
I think that about sums it up. Currently, I'm sitting here, coughing every few seconds (bad cold), and generally being stressed over a laundry list of things that I can do very little about at the moment.
It's 5:30 in the morning. I should be asleep.
I just don't know, honestly. I think it would be worth it to just hole up for a while and stop turning all this over and over in my head because all I'm doing it making the stress worse.
That said, I'll probably still pop back every now and then (just when I think to) to check in until I have this more resolved, so if you have anything you'd like to share, knowledge you'd like to impart, etc. go right ahead. I'll probably see it ^w^
I'm sorry of this kind of thing feels abrupt. Life's been... well, it's been going a bit sideways recently. I'm just hoping it's nothing too dreadful.
Cedrotea likes this.
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